Discussing mortal fear in therapy.....

Hi everyone,

Note: please use self-care when reading this, dear ones it is a bit of a nasty.

Just a short lead up to the topic......

I was dx with Aspergers about 2 months ago after 2 years of tough therapy with my new T. In my last session, she admitted something to me after she felt that she had made gross errors in judgement. It is a long story so I shall keep it short.

She made this comment that was some insight into the way a friend has been behaving. I was struggling to understand why my friend was behaving this way, I was frightened by her change in behaviour. What my T said was very profound and I said "That is exactly why she is behaving this way," and my T said " But I thought that is what you were saying all along while we were talking about it. That you had come to that understanding all by yourself. How many times have you nodded at me in understanding, but not really understood?"

And I said "I have not mislead you intentionally. Everything you say makes sense intellectually, but when I go away and try and practice it, I hit that brick wall of feeling. I cognitively get you, but cognition can only get me so far. It is understanding the feeling that stumps me."

She looked at me.......we looked at each other over the small distance between us, She took a deep breath, leaned back in her chair and sighed. She said "Michah, I am so sorry. I feel a pressure in my chest. I am a deeply empathic therapist, and a professional. I do not know if the pressure in my chest is from guilt from not seeing this earlier, or from the intense insight into just how difficult things must be for you."

And the first thing I said to her was "My goodness, are you going to have a panic attack? (Equating pressure in the chest to anxiety)".

"No" she smiled "But I am feeling a little out of sorts. We shall teach each other and I will be vigilant in remembering the way you think."

Anyways, weird but excellent moment in therapy

Well she finished off the session, and this is the point of my post, with "Next week we are going to discuss "mortal fear" and your fear of general anesthetic. Michah, you mention mortal fear alot in therapy."

Just curious how many of you have discussed mortal fear in therapy and how did you go with it? Tough one......

Thanks,

Michah

Haven't discussed it, as far as I remember. Have had it, though, and did not do well coping.

That is a really interesting session. It seems so nice that you have such a wonderful t.

I haven't ever talked about mortal fear, really with anyone. Though I do have it. And even typing this kind of makes my stomach all twirly and burny. I don't know what to say. I just wanted you to know I read your message.

Sorry to sound stupid, but, what is mortal fear, fear of death? Or is it something else?

Thanks everyone...... For your brave replies. And thanks for taking the time to read my post

***This response could be very triggering****

Googley, mortal fear, for me anyway, is the fear of death that is out of my control. That my environment is so unpredicatble, that I have great fear that I cannot manage it and will somehow die in the process.

I am not necessarily afraid of death, but am deeply afraid of being killed, and not being able to protect my family. Due to my inability to always be able to process my environment, I can feel very vulnerable. I am on alert for danger all the time. It is hyper-vigilance, born of a mixture of having a mother who told me she was going to end my life constantly, and the neurological inablity to process emotion. In other words, I cannot tell if a threat is real or perceived......

It is very tiring to be this way all the time......and due to my intense fear of being touched, especially by strangers, I hate the idea of being anesthetised and not being aware/in control of my surroundings.

Does that make sense? I am still trying to understand it myself.....

Thanks for asking,

Michah

Wow, Michah, that sounds incredibly stressful and intense....I'm sorry that you've been feeling this way, and I hope that you are able to work through this with your T so you can get some much needed relief from this agony....