[googley]

I feel so angry and confused. T this week was intense even though we didn't go as deep as last week. But I felt like T was badgering me to try and get the right answers out. I don't know why I think the way I do. I just know that I do. I know that I feel awful and ashamed of certain things. I don't know where it came from though. I felt like T just wanted me to spit out the answers and I didn't know what they were. I felt like a failure. The other thing is that T seems to have changed her method of doing T 180' and I don't know what to do with this new style. I want to find out more about why she changed and ask her to go back to the old way. (or at least closer to it.) I know I asked her to talk more in T but it seems like she went off the deep end and now is talking more than I am. And all she is doing is demanding answers. Answers I don't have. It makes me feel like a failure.

I also want to find out if T is getting supervision. If this is why she changed. Did she change because she talked about me with someone else. While I understand the concept of supervision and its importance in the therapeutic process, and that identities are never reveled, it makes me uncomfortable. I've never had a problem with my Ts before getting supervision. And I think it is fine, I guess, if she is getting supervision on my case, I wonder what they say about me. I want to ask her if she is, but I don't know if I can. Maybe in a round about way.

I feel like I'm in a T mess. I want to be able to talk about these things with T, but at the same time I don't want to have to deal with it. Like I want to call and cancel the session this week. I know I wont do that, but I hardly ever feel this way. I'm dreading it and it isn't until Thursday. I feel all mixed up inside. I think next session is going to have to be spent at least partly dealing with the relationship. I don't know that I have ever had this much relationship problems with any of my other Ts. Why so much trouble?

((((((((((((((((((googley))))))))))))))))))))

it sounds like things are so hard right now in T.

Please don't be hurt or insulted by what I'm about to say. It's just an observation to consider. Are you trying to avoid working on your own personal, difficult stuff? You seem to be spending a lot of energy on constant "ruptures" with your t. It makes me wonder if it is a way to avoid the real issues that are bound to be very personal and revealing. I guess, are you avoiding "you" and all that that entails by projecting all these issues onto your t? Because, like you said, you'll end up spending your session working on the problems with your to instead of working on you and your own issues. Just a thought. I could be totally off base here.

[pachyderm]

Originally Posted by googley

I want to be able to talk about these things with T, but at the same time I don't want to have to deal with it.

Avoiding dealing with it is not going to resolve the situation (which you already know). I think trying to find out if the T now has supervision and did not before, and how she perceives the situation -- whether she thinks she has changed -- is part of the information you need to proceed.

[BlueMoon6]

I remember you were just delving into really hard stuff as these ruptures began. Maybe there is som truth to what farmergirl said. I remember Tree talking about doing this her T. Rupturing to avoid difficult issues. Its like fighting with myhisband about the stuidist stuff when I am mad at him for not taking out the garbage etc...

I know its difficult, for whatever reason it is going on. And you are SO brave to be looking at all of this. Maybe you could start with a simple, single question to her- like "did you change the way you act with me?" "The way you act with me feels different than before did you change something?" She will probably ask her questions then and it might give you and "in" to say what you want.

[Sannah]

I would tell her that you felt badgered...........

[jexa]

Ugh sometimes I feel that way in T too.. like, if I knew these answers I wouldn't need therapy, ugh!!

I think farmergirl might be right to an extent, but sometimes dealing with ruptures ARE us dealing with ourselves and our reactions.. which can be hard stuff too. Sometimes ruptures lead us into the difficult territory, or help prepare us for it. You are so committed to your healing googley, that I am sure you are on the right path, even if it is a stumbling and winding and confusing path. Don't be too hard on yourself.. easier said than done, though, I know.

[googley]

Originally Posted by farmergirl

Please don't be hurt or insulted by what I'm about to say. It's just an observation to consider. Are you trying to avoid working on your own personal, difficult stuff? You seem to be spending a lot of energy on constant "ruptures" with your t. It makes me wonder if it is a way to avoid the real issues that are bound to be very personal and revealing. I guess, are you avoiding "you" and all that that entails by projecting all these issues onto your t? Because, like you said, you'll end up spending your session working on the problems with your to instead of working on you and your own issues. Just a thought. I could be totally off base here.

While I'm trying not to feel hurt by what you said, it is hard. I can see where you are coming from, but think you are incorrect and are jumping to assumptions. I spent most of my life not knowing how I felt because it was the only safe way to get through. If I had known how I felt I never would have survived growing up. So everything got pushed down. Especially anger. Anger was dangerous and not tolerated. So being able to even recognize that I am angry is a really big thing. So while it may not be the exact topic we are working on (though there is a lot of anger there too) it is not a total avoidance. I used to never know I was angry and instead either became depressed or have urges to hurt myself. So for me recognizing that I am angry at my T is a big step. Especially since she is someone I want to please and have accept me. One of the people in a position of authority who by that automatically scares me. So it isn't the topic we were discussing, it is painful and distressing. That doesn't make it less important. The last time my T and I had a rupture she said that it was totally understandable because it was easier to push her away and be angry than it was to worry about what she might think about what I shared. I need to go at the pace I need to go at. So please don't judge me.

Originally Posted by Sannah

I would tell her that you felt badgered...........

I will. I think she will be open to finding a happy medium. It was like I was in school and had to have the correct answers and I was just floundering.

Pachy and Blue-
I will try to ask her. I feel like unless I know I can't feel safe. I can't feel like what I've said is safe between us. That unless I do I will feel vulnerable.

Jexa- yes, easier said than done.