Stopping the Emails

Hi Sannah,

My t has indicated this also. Maybe i just haven't been able to accept it.

Farmergirl,

Thanks for the encouragement. I'll try to be strong!

Peaches, I think you're making assumptions about whether your Mom knows or not, how she would react, whether she would be hurt, whether it would damage your relationship, etc. There's a lot of "I think she" and "it seems like she would feel" language that are your assumptions. I think if she is "totally unaware", then you and she both deserve that she be told. If a person doesn't know, there is no chance they are going to do anything differently. Perhaps it's unlikely, but you could see big gains in your relationship by being honest with her about how you have felt when she ignores you, etc. If you think she would feel bad if she knew how you were feeling, then that is a very good sign! That could help motivate her for change. Giving her specific behavioral suggestions, at some point, might be helpful too. For example, "when we see each other, you could ask how I am doing" or "after we talk about your latest project, then you could ask me what I have been up to" or "when I mention a health challenge I am dealing with, such as my depression, you could ask how I am doing with that and express concern for my health."

Peaches, I'm seeing some similarity in your story with me and my mother (although a lot of differences too). Once, probably as a teen, I told her I would like her to just treat me civilly, as she might an acquaintance--that's all I asked. I wasn't asking for a lovey dovey or close relationship, just civility. She had many friends and was very nice to them--they all thought she was great! But she treated her family very poorly. (She too was active in charity work.) I saw this as evidence that she could be nice so I knew she had it in her. She thought that was laughable, like no way did she have to treat her family nice. There was no behavioral change (because I had no power in the relationship). As an adult, even after I moved out and was independent, she continued to treat me poorly on occasion, sometimes flying into rages over minor things and continuing the yelling and screaming at me and in general rude behavior (at least not so much hitting, when I was an adult). Then the next day, she might be fine, and act "normal" again. Finally, when I was about 30, I had had enough. I told her that I was no longer going to put up with her behavior. She had to get it under control and act civilly or I wouldn't have further contact with her and she wouldn't be allowed contact with my daughter either, a baby at the time. Again, I told her I didn't expect us to be close or friendly, I just expected civility: no yelling, no screaming, no temper tantrums, no insults, no hanging up on me on the phone in a rage, etc. Wonder of wonders, she shaped up! She no longer did those things to me! She needed someone to lay down the law for her and be very firm in their expectations (instead of just wishing inside that they would change), and she needed strong consequences if she messed up. Things have been much better between us since that turning point, almost 2 decades ago.

I have talked to my T about this, and he said he had a very similar turning point in his relationship with his mother, when he was about the same age as I was. He really laid down the law for her, and she was able to change.

I am not good at boundary-setting, but in this case I was able to set the boundary and its consequences. Peaches, it sounds like my mother had different problems than yours, but I did learn from this that she could change her behaviors. I have expressed some anger over this to my T, both about my and his mother. The whole time they were treating us poorly, they had it in themselves all along to not act that way! We can excuse them by saying they have personality disorders, or had horrible childhoods themselves, or whatever, but they had it in them to shape up and act differently, despite their mental health challenges. I really wish I had been able to "lay down the law" earlier in my life with my mother, but I believed she could never change, that's just who she was, she must be very damaged, etc. (And also I lacked the power in the relationship when I was a child/teen.)

When push comes to shove, a lot of people can change their behaviors. (There have been studies in mental institutions where even those who were severely mentally ill were able to change using behavior modification.)

I think the first step is letting the person know how their actions affect you. Truly, I think some people are so self-centered, that they are unaware, just as you said about your mother. Peaches, I wish you would give yourself the chance for a better relationship with your mother by taking the risk of telling her how you feel. It is probably a very optimistic view, but maybe if she knew, she would indeed try to behave differently, in a less hurtful way. The relationship sounds so very painful now that I don't think it could get worse, but if you don't do something, there is no hope for improvement, because your mother is so clueless about there being a problem, that she would not initiate change on her own. Maybe it would help nothing if you talked with her and established firm expectations for behavior, but there is a chance it might.