[Melbadaze]

I know this sounds weird, but I've recently got back in touch with a friend whom I've known for 44yrs. We fell out 8yrs ago before I entered treatment and started on my new journey.

Anyways perhaps this talking about seeing my wants with T the past couple of weeks has opened up that part of me and I made contact with this friend. We talked on the phone for 2hrs and it was like we'd never been parted. The thing is though, I had this fear that I may stop needing T or forget her??? Crazy I know, or perhaps being in touch with someone from my time before T was bringing up memorys of what it was like to not have had T in my life and how I so dont want to go back to that time, to that person I was and feel a big fragile about being able to manage this friendship without loosing what I've gained.

This friend comes from a very dysfunctional family and has lots of issues but theres always been this core part of her that was kind and loving and she always felt a lot for me so I dont want to muck it up this time round it wouldn't be fair to her, but still, its a challenge and I guess this is what wll show just what I have managed to gain so far from all my yrs in therapy. But I dont want to loose T, though intellectually I know I wont so this must be triggering something else?? perhaps when I lost one mother completely and found myself with another, no experience of having continuation in a relationship when someone else comes into the forefront.

I want this friendship to work this time though, I dont want to keep isloating and living half a life. Perhaps take it a day at a time and dont project a whole load of fears.

[perpetuallysad]

You sound like you have really thought it out and I bet it is just fear. Maybe fear of your new friendship, like maybe you cannot maintain this friendship at the same time as your relationship with T? I think you will be alright though. Talk to T about all this on your next visit and take your renewal of friendship slow so that not only do you not hurt her, but you don't hurt you either.

[Melbadaze]

yes i thiNk its fear...fear of loosing myelf...proberbly my old engulfment/Abandoment fears raising their ugly heads...have to remind myself of myself in those quite times...something I once didnt have the abiLty to do when we were lasT in contact...perhaps its who I am when with T that i class as me now and fear loosing that...but yes its just a very young fear

[Sannah]

Engulfment makes sense here. Your mom wouldn't allow you to be a seperate being from her? So you learned that when you are in a relationship with someone that they engulf you? Now you are engulfed in T and if you become friends with this woman again then you will be engulfed in her? Kind of hard to be engulfed in 2 different people at the same time?

[Melbadaze]

I dont think I'm engulfed (emeshed) with T though. I have been thinking about this this afternoon and realise that with T the relationship is a healthy one, ie she maintains her individuality and respects mine, I think when I was last in touch with this friend I'd never experienced that nor had it modelled to me so felt I was drowing all of the time, but realise now I can take care of myself more. When T said last week about it being the relationship in therapy that matters I couldnt grasp that, but I think I just have. My friend is very full on, and I dont say that to disrespect her, but I think thats where the fear was coming from I was afraid I would loose myself in her again, but can refer back to my relationship with T now and use that to take care of my individuality in this friendship now.

[ECHOES]

I think when we have an "old" life and a "new" life, having contact with people from the "old" life can make us feel too close to that old life. That may not be right for you and your friend, but I have noticed it with me and an old friend.

[Melbadaze]

Echoes, yes thats part of it. I did mention it to T today, about how I fear loosing her. T said it sounds like you've found something else and that growing up that wasn't permittable with your mother, she would destroy anything else you found. One day at a time with this friendship though and that feels safe.

[ECHOES]

Originally Posted by Melbadaze

Echoes, yes thats part of it. I did mention it to T today, about how I fear loosing her. T said it sounds like you've found something else and that growing up that wasn't permittable with your mother, she would destroy anything else you found. One day at a time with this friendship though and that feels safe.

One day at a time sounds good.
So, you don't have to leave T to be you. She will still be T and you are free to be you at the same time. It is okay to wander away a bit, she will be there when you turn to look for her.

[Melbadaze]

Echoes, yes I think its that too. Very scary.