What would you do? Trigger- csa and some details

I haven't read all the replies, but I was in a similar situation last spring when I witnessed sexual activity between two 8 year olds...and my daughter knew about it afterwards.

My T practically demanded that I call DYFS.....It was totally anonymous....I also talked to my daughter's therapist, and she provided me with a list of books to read with my 8 year old daughter. I'll post the names a little later cuz I'm short on time.

Unfortunately, the event triggered such panic in me that I spiraled downward extremely fast....ended up SI'ing for the first time since I was a teen....and that's when I revealed much of my trauma to T in therapy (which was when I was a fairly new client of T's)....Bad, bad, bad time for me....

So, please be kind to yourself...You will get through this. Not knowing what to do, and wanting to be safe, and keeping kids safe.....tough stuff....

blue, since your friend really can't tell you whether or not cps was called then i'd definitely go ahead and call them. better safe than sorry. i think you'll really regret it if you don't call and later find out they weren't notified promptly. i do think it's best to not wait and call now while this is currently being dealt with so you are sure it will all be handled appropriately. this needs to be dealt with by professionals trained in these things. i'm guessing timing is important too so if there is adult-child abuse going on people don't have time to craft cover-up stories. i don't know how much good a school can really do if everyone is just in denial and says nothing is going on. they might be likely to drop the matter. i know this is difficult but the safety of these children is at stake and you need to make sure they are being protected.

(Blue)
Teachers are mandated to report to CPS. They are also bound by the FERPA, the Family rights to privacy act. So, your friend is forbidden by law to discuss the case with you. Having said that, I do think you would feel better if you call yourself because then you will know for sure that the right action has been taken and you won't have to worry.

Take care.

OK- I will call. Is the number Solar posted for NYState as well? Or is there another State number?

Something like this came up where we used to live (a neighbor's child was molested in school) and NYCity handled it instead of the State. But we live in a different part of the state now.

New York State

Suspect Abuse or Maltreatment? Report it Now!
Call our Statewide Toll Free Telephone Number: 1-800-342-3720
from here

Thanks. I read what was there at the site. I will call this eve. I only wish someone had called for me when I was a child. But maybe I wouldnt have wanted that. Maybe that is why I am having some reservations and want to be sure I am doing the right thing.

Thanks for the amazing support everyone, what would I do without you?

(((((((((((Blue)))))))))))))

I TOTALLY get this, but think how different so many of our lives would be if someone had seen, and cared, and called?

I'm glad you're calling.

while i advocate 100% calling CPS....

...don't necessarily think everyone that your lives would have been much better if CPS intervened..

the outcomes of kids raised in foster care are sad and the statistics are grim.

if perhaps CPS intervened and your families were worked with so that reunification could happen and you could be safe as a child or if you could have been adopted into a safe family, then lives would be better..... but being removed by CPS does not guarentee that at all.

times have changed with the passages of many foster care laws in the 1990s, but they have not changed that much. almost anyone can become a foster parent and the training requirements are a joke. within 2 months you can have kids in your home and paid for it. 2 MONTHS to care for kids that have already been traumatized.

services for kids are poor. i barely saw a therapist even though i had been really hurt by my bioparents. i left foster care after 12 years with an eating disorder, SI, PTSD and other problems.

workers are supposed to check on kids every month. but they are so overloaded with cases, that it could be months before they check in on a foster kid in a placement. mostly you see them when something is going wrong from the foster parents perspective or you are being moved.

in some places, i was treated as bad as i was with my bioparents.

group homes are no better.

and foster children are 4-6 times more likely to be abused in foster care than other children.....because they have no-one to rely on and because they are generally victims to begin with.
foster children have 4 times higher rates of PTSD compared to veterans (who are already higher than the general population).
everytime a foster kid is moved, they lose 3-6 months of schooling

at age 18, kids are kicked out of the system with NOTHING. i didnt even have a highschool dipolma and certainly no place to go.
there are some ILP (independent living programs) but not enough.

over 50% of foster kids that age-out are homeless within the first year. less than 2% graduate college. many become addicted to drugs or wind up in prison.

foster care is no place for a child... i know because i grew up in it and i just got out 2 years ago (so it is recent)

....and yes, it saved me from my bioparents but introduced me to a whole nother side of evil....

.....

(((((((((((((((((solarwind))))))))))))))))))))

I wish I had the words to tell you how much I wish you didn't go through what you went through.

Lots and lots of safe to you, brave one.

((((((Solarwind))))) I care for you a great deal. And I have told you that you are VERY smart (re-read the post you just wrote) and are more determined than anyone I know to survive and beat those terrible odds. You have an inner strength and resolve that kids without your background wish they had.

You will get your GED, and soon. I know it is so. You are studying so hard. I do hope you can go to college and make a life for yourself as you are doing now. You have an apartment, jobs, some money and doggies to care for. That, to me, is VERY responsible and mature for a 20 year old. I know you came by your maturity in a very very sad way, but I believe you can turn the horrors of your past into something that can give you the courage to move forward and help other people. I know its so. I can see it in you. Keep doing what you are doing, you are AMAZING! A-MAZ-ING!

((((((((((Solarwind)))))))))) It reminds me the fears i had when I reported.... I've been praying every night since for the kids - that they will not be hurt for telling, that they will not be separated if removed.... three years now... and I never get to know how they are - if I helped them like their eyes pleaded for me to do - or if I sent them from bad to worse.

do states differ in their propensity to remove children from abusive homes? i know in california they are very hesitant to remove kids from their natural homes and have even come under much criticism for not doing so in cases that later proved tragic.

(((((((Kiya))))) Is it horrible if I ask what happened? If its too painful, dont answer. That sounds really hard and Im sure you wonder all the time if the child (or children) are okay.

Hugs to you, you did the right thing.........

they were being beaten with a belt. he'd not told me of his beatings, but he came right in and showed me his 18 m. sisters split lip and bruised face. we were alone, the 3 of us, and i'd already earned his trust. He was 5. he pointed to her and said she got the belt. i asked him what that means (we can't put words in kids mouths) and he said "ya know, she was cryin and wouldn't stop, and she got the belt!!" the common use of the language told me he got it too.
breaks my heart.
i reported....

Generally, their goal is to keep families together, but if the kids are in eminant danger in their home environment, they don't have too many options.

In the case of this boy and girl, what will most likely happen is that the boy will be required to go into therapy. They will investigate the causes of the boy's behavior as it in itself is indicative of abuse. The will interview all members of his family, including any siblings to be sure no other kids are being abused.

i think i can answer your question. i dont know what propensity means but from the rest of the question, i think it means something like frequency

so, yes. each state has its own guidelines that are followed regarding both timeliness of investigation and removal policy. it is also subjective because it is based on the workers assessment of harm.

calls that come into CPS are triaged and investigated according to the level of immediate danger that is assessed. you could actually probably find the protocol for your state on-line now.

in addition, california has limited foster homes for the number of kids. for example, there are foster kids living in run-down hotels because there are not enough placements for them. other kids are put into shelters.
this has an impact as well. no placements, what do you do with the kids?

but, also, remember if other options are available, such as removing the offending parent or placing the kid in kinship care, CPS will do that.

statistically, about 50-60% of foster kids taken by CPS are RETURNED to their bioparents.
there are laws about timelines and how quickly parents rights can be terminated and how quickly parents have to work their case plans.
TPR does not happen "overnight", unless there is substantiated specific severe abuse proven or complete abandonment. by law in most states the process of TPR begins after a child is in care for 15 of 22-24 consequective months. (unless there is severe substantiated abuse or abandonment)
during this time, the parents are given multiple opportunities and support to work their case plans.

if parents dont work their plans or make progress or TPR is quick because of the above reasons,
then...
---about 15-20% of kids are adopted by other people.
---about 5-10% are adopted by other family members (grandparents, aunts, etc)
---the rest of the kids are long term foster kids. (a small percentage might have a legal guardian relationship)

((((Kiya)))) That must have been so frightening for you. The kids were really young. I would wonder, too how things turned out.

Solar- it sounds like something of a good plan, but it also sounds like something that doesnt always work and a lot of kids are just lost in the "system" with no one to really care aobut them and anything can happen to them. They have no one on their side and can only rely on themselves and their wits.

It breaks my heart. We adopted a puppy, but it makes me want to foster a child. To have an impact on someone's life. It is a big commitment. Sigh.

I get it why someone who is not nice wants to be a foster parent and have the kids in their house, but who are the nice foster parents? Why do they do it?

the nice foster parents are people who (a) want to help care for a child in need or (b) are looking to adopt and feel the urge to go through the foster care system instead of adopting a healthy white infant or an international child.

literally some people have a calling to be foster parents. and they do it because they are helping a child develop and grow as they are being the "good" parents that the child needs.

they are stepping in for the parents of the child, providing safety, caring, good role modeling, comfort, patience, teaching, love, etc, etc, etc.

and yes, to be a good foster parent is a HUGE commitment because parenting foster kids is not like parenting your "normal/average" kids. most foster kids have behavioral and emotional problems and act-out in ways they were taught or need to to survive. most don't trust and most don't attach.

if you love being a parent, the rewards can be tremendous if you look in the right places. for example, one foster mom told me that even the smallest improvements are rewards to her, after i only crayoned swear words on two walls instead of the whole room when i was upset once as a kid.

or for example: i used to hide food all over my room because i was not used to there being enough food and i was afriad it would go away and i would starve again. my foster mom was so happy when i started bringing perishable items that were going bad to her instead of letting them rot in my room.
big step for a kid like me bringing a rotting banana to my foster mom, but not normal.....

unfortunately there are not enough good foster parents. ask any long term foster kids and they will tell you that most of their experiences were "bad"...

first i documented everthing and told my boss. she made it VERY clear that we would not report.
I hesitated and asked around - everyone said report. I saw the baby next time (not the boy) and the mom said to my boss "go show _____ how you fell down the stairs and hurt your lip!" The baby was pre verbal. my boss believed that the boy always lied and told me he made it up. as it was the first thing he told me after the dad left, and full of anger, i am quite sure he did not (i never believed he was a lier anyway - just always trying to protect himself).

I reported 3 days after the incident and CPS YELLED at me for waiting that long!! Totally balled me out. I called at 10 that night and because of the age of the child, they went there immediately I quit my job the next day (it was a 2nd job). The lady then a week later called my boss at my regular job to tell her what a rotten person she hired in me and that I ruined the lives of the family.

I have a friend who is a nice foster parent. She is single, smart, has a pretty good job that is flexible in hours, owns her own home, and will not have children of her own. She is kindhearted, calm, and steady, has more than enough space in her home, and wants to make a difference in a child's life. Her foster daughter came to live with her at age 11 and is now 16. She is able to be a good role model for the girl, they get along well, and they both get a significant other person in their lives. There have been a lot of challenges, the girl has been in counseling, but it has worked out for them.

Kiya, what lady? The person from CPS who yelled at you? She's saying you ruined the lives of the family because you didn't call CPS soon enough? Don't they have some sort of anonymous way to report so the CPS people can't call others in your life like that and try to wreck your job and so on? That just seems completely out of line, and I would think grounds for being fired. I'm sorry that happened to you. Hopefully, your boss listened to your side of the story and didn't pay any attention to the CPS worker.

oh sorry - i knew i'd not made that clear... no the boss i'd just quit called my regular boss and told her what person she'd hired. she was friends with the mom of the child i'd reported (thus told me we'd not be reporting). but that care giver was terribly mean to the older boy and always accused him of lying and got him in trouble for things he didn't do. that was how i'd earned his trust in the first place.

But i was still pretty upset with CPS yelling at me. At least i was reporting! But she'd said by then the marks could be gone and they'd have no proof. =(

bluey, i hope you're okay. you've been awfully quiet lately. anyone heard from blue?

Hi all. Im dredging up this old thread. I have spoken with a number of people who know how the school would handle this kind of thing, I did it mostly anonymously for the child. One very close friend guessed the child and told me that this isnt the first incident with this child. Another older child in the school had done something weird- she or another 7th grade boy had offered her and another kindergarten girl had offered candy to kiss them on the lips. The parents of the other little girl (who is a friend but I havent had a chance to ask her about the incident yet, but I will) got a lawyer and has begun legal action against the girl and the boy.

I was told that cps was notified of the incident that I reported because the teacher is mandated to do so. I believe that this was done, especially in light of the legal action taken by another family where this child was involved as well. She does seem to be some sort of target. I think I did probaby all I could, but I am still going to ask more questions of (only) friends that might know moree about the situation and school in terms of reporting incidnets like this.

There was only 1 other incident that anyone knows of that was reported and that was before we lived here (about 7 yrs ago) and it turns out that it was someone who spitefully did this to get back at the family. I find it hard to believe but I do know the family involved and got the story from the mother who is a friend. Everyone says this was a spiteful thing done by this other woman. How awful.

So...this is where it stands now. I am satisfied 99%.