[rainbow8]

I ate too much chocolate (wish it weren't so accessible, but that's another thread) when I got home. Therapy is so frustrating for me. The best session was the one where I first did the IFS; the others have not been anywhere near as satisfying.

I know I have to trust the process, and not rush it. But I thought all my sessions were going to be like the one I liked. On the other hand, today's session had its good points!

I felt relaxed; we didn't even do the breathing this time. Kt was dressed up and didn't look so thin so I didn't mention it. She looked good. We talked a little about my week, and hers (she was out-of-town) and I felt good. She asked about my grandson, who is getting better--still in the hospital though.

Most of the session was her getting more history for doing EMDR. I couldn't remember many of the details she asked me.

I was a little disappointed that she forgot some of what I told her in past sessions, except for what she wrote down. I had to repeat some of the icky stuff I told her during the session I wanted to forget! I guess it shows that it didn't have much negative effect on her.

We talked a little about my feeling like I'm not loved enough. She asked if I felt lovable? I said yes, I think. She said "I think you're lovable". I was so surprised she said that! I asked Bt that once and she said "You have your virtues" or something to that effect. A half-compliment, it felt like. Kt's comment made me feel so much better! It was so spontaneous!

I see her next Monday instead of Tuesday and when I said that's so soon, she said "that's good!"

At the end of the session, though, I said maybe I wanted to talk about love and not start the EMDR. She said I could do that, but she was going to ask her group--I forgot what she calls it, but she apparently gets supervision. I like that she gets help.

I asked her if she was sure I was going to get to discuss more about my main problem, about wanting more from Bt and she said we will. But I know she thinks the things that happened to me as a child are more important and will lead to understanding my attachment problems.

I forgot to say that we did discuss the email situation. I was surprised to hear that no one else emails her except for scheduling. She said it's okay, though. She wants to be able to respond to me, but says she is afraid she won't say the right thing to help me. She admitted that she was tired when she emailed back. So we agreed that if I want a response, I will tell her and she will reply. She doesn't think I will abuse the privilege.

My overall opinion is that she is highly motivated to help me, but I question her belief in EMDR. I will do it, but I'm not sure if what we are going to address is going to help me. She and I decided that a couple of the incidents are about my "powerlessness" in the situation, so that will be the negative feeling. I don't think they have to do with my attachment, but they are areas where I've always been stuck, so I hope it will help.

I'm not sure but maybe the "wanting Bt" will just disappear. It's disappointing but interesting not to have those feelings for Kt. We talked about how she's different, and how Bt thought it was for my benefit not to be as warm as she was with other clients. Kt says she disagrees with that. She almost seems like a friend, and I could do transference on the fact that she can't be, though. Or will it be good enough to have this nice, connected relationship with her? Time will tell.

I wanted the chocolate because therapy takes time. I want all the answers right now, and chocolate is a "right now" kind of thing. I wanted to be comforted. I'm not going to email Kt, at least not tonight. Posting here instead.

[TayQuincy]

Originally Posted by rainbow8

I'm not sure but maybe the "wanting Bt" will just disappear. It's disappointing but interesting not to have those feelings for Kt. We talked about how she's different, and how Bt thought it was for my benefit not to be as warm as she was with other clients. Kt says she disagrees with that. She almost seems like a friend, and I could do transference on the fact that she can't be, though. Or will it be good enough to have this nice, connected relationship with her? Time will tell.

I think you are right about the "wanting Bt" might just go away. This has happened to me in the past. At least with the longing feelings that are so painful. I'm glad Kt disagrees with Bt's idea of not being as warm towards you. Maybe that is why you were "wanting" her so much, because she was so witholding. Perhaps if you are able to get some of what you want and need, you will want and need it less.

take care rainbow

[sunrise]

Originally Posted by rainbow8

Bt thought it was for my benefit not to be as warm as she was with other clients

Ouch!! It is to your credit, Rainbow, that you still feel lovable after being told things like that.

I don't think they have to do with my attachment, but they are areas where I've always been stuck, so I hope it will help.

I hope so too. Since you have been stuck in those areas and you have also been stuck on the relationship with Bt, maybe there is a connection. That's what EMDR is supposed to be good at--releasing stuck trauma. So I hope it goes well. Even if it doesn't help with the Bt attachment, if it helps with those other stuck things, then that would be great. And you can do other targets later. At some point, after getting past more of the stuck places, maybe you will find the stuckness relaxing with Bt also. I do think it can be helpful to start with earlier things in EMDR, as the Bt attachment may derive from earlier happenings. Good to go to the source. Since you're going to be doing EMDR on something from when you are age 6, it may give you some of the same satisfaction of your IFS session when you worked with the 6 yr old part. I hope it goes well for you.

[WePow]

Rainbow - Great work! I am so glad T said that you are loveable! That is wonderful and I am sure it makes you feel happy!!! It is also great that you are able to process your emotions with T in session and find out what is happening. Good job!

[peaches100]

Hi Rainbow,

I understand about the chocolate because i also want satisfaction now! I hate waiting for things to unfold and get worked through also. I've always found it hard to go into my session and get things all stirred up and begin opening Pandora's box, and then the time is up. ARRRGGHHHHH!!! Sometimes it's already half or two-thirds through the session before i reach a state where i feel relaxed and trusting enough to get to the main issues. It's so hard to wrap things up for another week!!!

Your t does sound motivated. It also sounds like she wants to make sure she handles your therapy in the best way for you. I like that she wants to make sure her comments (replies) to you are helpful and that she is seeking supervision to ensure that your therapy treatment is well suited to your needs.

It will be interesting to find out how EMDR goes for you. I've heard that it has helped many people.

I hope your grandson continues to recover well from his surgery.

I think that sounds like a great session. Sounds like you laid some helpful groundwork that will help you heal...And I'm so glad you got the email thing straightened out.

Nice work.

FWIW, I crave chocolate daily.

[rainbow8]

It's so interesting that, though I posted that I was frustrated with the session and ate chocolate for that reason, the positives made more of an impression on you who have responded so far. There's a lesson there. I know it. I look at the cup half empty instead of half full! There was a lot of good in the session, so why am I focusing on the bad? I posted most of what the session was about, and it sounds good. But the frustrating parts are what is nagging at me. Hmm. I'm going to try to think that it was a good session too, and that I will get everything worked on, and to have patience. Thanks.

Originally Posted by rainbow8

I ate too much chocolate (wish it weren't so accessible, but that's another thread) when I got home. Therapy is so frustrating for me. The best session was the one where I first did the IFS; the others have not been anywhere near as satisfying.

I know I have to trust the process, and not rush it. But I thought all my sessions were going to be like the one I liked. On the other hand, today's session had its good points!

I felt relaxed; we didn't even do the breathing this time. Kt was dressed up and didn't look so thin so I didn't mention it. She looked good. We talked a little about my week, and hers (she was out-of-town) and I felt good. She asked about my grandson, who is getting better--still in the hospital though.

Most of the session was her getting more history for doing EMDR. I couldn't remember many of the details she asked me.

I was a little disappointed that she forgot some of what I told her in past sessions, except for what she wrote down. I had to repeat some of the icky stuff I told her during the session I wanted to forget! I guess it shows that it didn't have much negative effect on her.

We talked a little about my feeling like I'm not loved enough. She asked if I felt lovable? I said yes, I think. She said "I think you're lovable". I was so surprised she said that! I asked Bt that once and she said "You have your virtues" or something to that effect. A half-compliment, it felt like. Kt's comment made me feel so much better! It was so spontaneous!

I see her next Monday instead of Tuesday and when I said that's so soon, she said "that's good!"

At the end of the session, though, I said maybe I wanted to talk about love and not start the EMDR. She said I could do that, but she was going to ask her group--I forgot what she calls it, but she apparently gets supervision. I like that she gets help.

I asked her if she was sure I was going to get to discuss more about my main problem, about wanting more from Bt and she said we will. But I know she thinks the things that happened to me as a child are more important and will lead to understanding my attachment problems.

I forgot to say that we did discuss the email situation. I was surprised to hear that no one else emails her except for scheduling. She said it's okay, though. She wants to be able to respond to me, but says she is afraid she won't say the right thing to help me. She admitted that she was tired when she emailed back. So we agreed that if I want a response, I will tell her and she will reply. She doesn't think I will abuse the privilege.

My overall opinion is that she is highly motivated to help me, but I question her belief in EMDR. I will do it, but I'm not sure if what we are going to address is going to help me. She and I decided that a couple of the incidents are about my "powerlessness" in the situation, so that will be the negative feeling. I don't think they have to do with my attachment, but they are areas where I've always been stuck, so I hope it will help.

I'm not sure but maybe the "wanting Bt" will just disappear. It's disappointing but interesting not to have those feelings for Kt. We talked about how she's different, and how Bt thought it was for my benefit not to be as warm as she was with other clients. Kt says she disagrees with that. She almost seems like a friend, and I could do transference on the fact that she can't be, though. Or will it be good enough to have this nice, connected relationship with her? Time will tell.

I wanted the chocolate because therapy takes time. I want all the answers right now, and chocolate is a "right now" kind of thing. I wanted to be comforted. I'm not going to email Kt, at least not tonight. Posting here instead.

You do have a tendency to be hyperfocused on the negative of t, but look at everything you said that was positive. I bolded it for you. That's great! That was a great session. That is a great t!

Oh, and who doesn't need chocolate after therapy?

Originally Posted by farmergirl

Oh, and who doesn't need chocolate after therapy?

I think we should do chocolate before, during and after therapy... It sure beats the Mc D I bring to eat in session sometimes!

And T said "You were lovable" that is soooooo awesome!!!!

My t and I have feasted on chocolate kisses, nuts, trail mix, cookies, etc. I'm usually at the end of his day and we are both starved at that point. Last week I brought him a Sonic cherry limeade. We're all about food.

[sittingatwatersedge]

Originally Posted by farmergirl

Oh, and who doesn't need chocolate after therapy?

Me. I want to go for an adult beverage, as they say.

Ah, a nice margarita does sound pretty inviting now that you mention it (particularly in the summer when it's 105 around here). I think my t and pdoc would frown on that though. Them and their rules!

[sittingatwatersedge]

Originally Posted by farmergirl

Ah, a nice margarita does sound pretty inviting now that you mention it (particularly in the summer when it's 105 around here). I think my t and pdoc would frown on that though. Them and their rules!

On a hot summer day at 105 degrees, how about a peppermint milkshake?
That should classify as a quasi-adult beverage, T surely wouldn't mind

Originally Posted by sittingatwatersedge

On a hot summer day at 105 degrees, how about a peppermint milkshake?
That should classify as a quasi-adult beverage, T surely wouldn't mind

Nah. Plain ole chocolate is fine for me. Or a pint of Ben & Jerry's Phish Food would certainly delight me.

Sorry Rainbow. We are hijacking your thread with our silliness. I apologize.

[Chronic]

That sounds a great session Rainbow! You are right that we have all picked up on the positive, but I think lots of us focus on the negative on their own situation- an objective opinion is much less emotive (not that we dont care).

I was a little disappointed that she forgot some of what I told her in past sessions, except for what she wrote down. I had to repeat some of the icky stuff I told her during the session I wanted to forget! I guess it shows that it didn't have much negative effect on her.

I always pick on this when T doesnt remeber something important to me, and sometimes I bring it up and T acknoeledges that I felt he was minimizing my expereinces, most of the time I dont say anything tho. Its so much easier to remember the engatives, and forget the positives that can outweigh them.

I am so glad you got the email situation cleared up- now you know what to expect, and she knows how you felt about the last communication, and hopefully that can help ease things when you do email her. But she sounds like she welcomes your emails.

This sounds like a really productive session to me, AND T said you are loveable that must feel soooo good. Oh, and the chocolate? I wish I could limit it to after session! Nothing wrong in needing immediate comfort

[sunrise]

Rainbow, I must admit, that after I read your post last night, I went and ate a piece of chocolate.

Farmergirl, I loved how you bolded all the positive in Rainbow's session. I thought it sounded like a good session too!

Originally Posted by farmergirl

My t and I have feasted on chocolate kisses, nuts, trail mix, cookies, etc.

I love it when my T and I eat together. There is something about drawing closer with the one with whom you share sustenance. My T and I have shared chocolate chip cookies, carrot cake, fruit, nuts, and more. My very first dream about T was about us sharing food together.

Sorry for the food detour, Rainbow.... Always a great topic!

Originally Posted by rainbow

I was surprised to hear that no one else emails her except for scheduling.

Was it surprising because you didn't think she was treating you any differently than her other clients? It always makes me feel kind of good when T somehow distinguishes me from "the others." Like I am not just another number on a chart. He probably makes all his clients feel that way, LOL. It works for me!

Originally Posted by rainbow

I was a little disappointed that she forgot some of what I told her in past sessions, except for what she wrote down. I had to repeat some of the icky stuff I told her during the session I wanted to forget! I guess it shows that it didn't have much negative effect on her.

I have been deeply disappointed and even annoyed when T seemed to forget something really important I had told him (or that he shared with me). I read this paragraph you wrote and was so impressed with your outlook, rainbow. You acknowledge your disappointment but then end on a very positive note about what this means about your T. You might have ended up concluding, "this shows she doesn't really care for me" or something like that. But instead you conclude that it shows she was not negatively impacted by the yuck you shared. I think that is such a mature and "look on the bright side" conclusion, not "glass is half empty" at all.

[Snakebit]

Originally Posted by rainbow8

I wanted the chocolate because therapy takes time. I want all the answers right now, and chocolate is a "right now" kind of thing. I wanted to be comforted. I'm not going to email Kt, at least not tonight. Posting here instead.

If it helps, my T loves it when I do something to make myself feel better and comforted, like eating chocolate.