[scorpiosis37]

I recently ended a several year relationship and, while I am happy that I got out of a bad situation, I am feeling very lonely. While I feel okay during the day, when I'm busy and around other people, I have a hard time in the evenings. It's the first time I have ever lived alone. It's weird not having someone to talk to, to cuddle with, to go places with, etc.
I'm also having a difficult time being able to fall alseep because I'm not accustomed to sleeping in my bed by myslef. I find myself wanting to talk to someone, hug someone, tell stories to someone-- but not having anyone there. I've been calling friends/family, and they have some time for me, but it just isn't quite filling the void right now.

And, to make matters worse, I just had my very last appointment with my T. She's moving away, so I can't see her anymore. In fact, I will probably never see or speak to her again. I don't think I've really processed or accepted that yet. My sessions with her are really what have been holding me together, so I feel like I'm going to fall apart now when I don't have our appointments to look forward to. And playing "talk to T" in my head doesn't really work anymore, because it only reminds me that I no longer have T in my life.

My last session with T was good, but there is one thing I wish I could change. I gave her a "thank-you" a card and I wish she would have read it before I left. I know that I could have asked her to do that (and I was planning on it), but it just felt weird in the moment. She was really nice about it-- she took the card and said thank-you-- but it seemed pretty clear she wanted to read it privately after I left. The only thing that sucks about that is that I wanted to get some kind of acknowledgement or reaction from her. I would have had no problem with her reading it in private if, afterwards, she could have sent me an e-mail or something just to acknowledge that she did read it and that she had a positive reaction to it. But, alas, my T and I never had an e-mail or phone relationship, so the last session really was our last contact. So now I feel like I'm going to wonder for the rest of my life: Did she like the card? How did it make her feel? What would she have said if I had insisted she read it before I left? It's just that I put so much effort into writing something nice and sincere, from the heart, and I really wanted her to know how greatful I am for our sessions. And, I know, the card communicates that-- but I just want to know that the message was received. And I guess I also have this fear of coming on too strong-- (which is why I ended up not asking her to read it in front of me-- I didn't want to be pushy)-- and I wish I had gotten confirmation from her that the card was accepted as a genuine gesture of my gratitude and that it didn't make her feel "weird," like I was too attached to her, or to our sessions, since I hadn't been seeing her for that long. But I guess there's nothing I can do about that now...

All I can do is start looking for a new T... but it is sssooooo hard to find a new T when you just want to see your old T. It feels like no one can ever measure up.

[Claire89-2]

I'm so sorry for your losses.

Yes it is important to find a new therapist. Your new therapist can help you with your losses of your partner and your therapist.

- Claire

Originally Posted by scorpiosis37

I recently ended a several year relationship and, while I am happy that I got out of a bad situation, I am feeling very lonely. While I feel okay during the day, when I'm busy and around other people, I have a hard time in the evenings. It's the first time I have ever lived alone. It's weird not having someone to talk to, to cuddle with, to go places with, etc.
I'm also having a difficult time being able to fall alseep because I'm not accustomed to sleeping in my bed by myslef. I find myself wanting to talk to someone, hug someone, tell stories to someone-- but not having anyone there. I've been calling friends/family, and they have some time for me, but it just isn't quite filling the void right now.

And, to make matters worse, I just had my very last appointment with my T. She's moving away, so I can't see her anymore. In fact, I will probably never see or speak to her again. I don't think I've really processed or accepted that yet. My sessions with her are really what have been holding me together, so I feel like I'm going to fall apart now when I don't have our appointments to look forward to. And playing "talk to T" in my head doesn't really work anymore, because it only reminds me that I no longer have T in my life.

My last session with T was good, but there is one thing I wish I could change. I gave her a "thank-you" a card and I wish she would have read it before I left. I know that I could have asked her to do that (and I was planning on it), but it just felt weird in the moment. She was really nice about it-- she took the card and said thank-you-- but it seemed pretty clear she wanted to read it privately after I left. The only thing that sucks about that is that I wanted to get some kind of acknowledgement or reaction from her. I would have had no problem with her reading it in private if, afterwards, she could have sent me an e-mail or something just to acknowledge that she did read it and that she had a positive reaction to it. But, alas, my T and I never had an e-mail or phone relationship, so the last session really was our last contact. So now I feel like I'm going to wonder for the rest of my life: Did she like the card? How did it make her feel? What would she have said if I had insisted she read it before I left? It's just that I put so much effort into writing something nice and sincere, from the heart, and I really wanted her to know how greatful I am for our sessions. And, I know, the card communicates that-- but I just want to know that the message was received. And I guess I also have this fear of coming on too strong-- (which is why I ended up not asking her to read it in front of me-- I didn't want to be pushy)-- and I wish I had gotten confirmation from her that the card was accepted as a genuine gesture of my gratitude and that it didn't make her feel "weird," like I was too attached to her, or to our sessions, since I hadn't been seeing her for that long. But I guess there's nothing I can do about that now...

All I can do is start looking for a new T... but it is sssooooo hard to find a new T when you just want to see your old T. It feels like no one can ever measure up.

[scorpiosis37]

I have an appointment scheduled with a new T for next week. But I know it will be a LONG time before I open up to her.

In the meantime, how can I deal with my feelings about losing my old T? And wishing I could have seen her reaction to the card?

(((((((((((scorpiosis)))))))))))))

WOW, that is a lot of change all at once!

Can you e-mail or call T and just tell her that in order to have a sense of closure for your therapy, you really need to know that she read and understood your card? Even if you've never had a phone/e-mail relationship in the past, it seems like this one time, it is something you really need, and something that might help you move on to your next therapy relationship. It sounds like you had a good relationship with your T, so I bet she would understand and be happy to give you what you need.

to you!

[sanangel]

I agree with Treehouse. My feeling is that there wasn't a proper sense of closure with your T. As a final wish you could have gotten the meager acknowledgement. We all need T and we are emotionally fragile to getting negative reactions from them. I think maybe you could email her, being as open and thoughtful as you were here and tell her what you needed. I see nothing wrong in sending an email to someone that you felt connected with. Your email might give you a sense of closure.

[gravyyy]

hang in there Scorpiosis... I just went through changing Ts and it is a very difficult process. I also went through the loss of a relationship. I felt the feeling of emptiness or like there was a void especially at night so what I actually did was get a body pillow. I snuggle up with that and though it's not a perfect substitute for a person it sure is more comfortable!

As for T, I also gave mine a card when I left. I moved and she continued to do phone sessions once every few weeks to make sure I was finding a T and adjusting to being back in my hometown okay. old T never once mentioned the card and actually had said she was going to call me one final time to close things out but she never called. At first I felt kinda raw about the whole thing. I felt exposed that I gave her this card really thanking her for everything over the past 3 years and then her not saying anything about it was a let-down, but when I look at it, she obviously read it, she obviously knows what I'm saying and that I'm appreciative and over the last few months I've just come to accept that I will not hear from T anymore. That's okay... that's the nature of the therapeutic relationship. It doesn't make it hurt any less but it's be abnormal if you weren't bothered by the whole thing. After all, for most people, losing T is losing the one person in the whole world who know basically everything about you and who actually has the ability to advise you through it. That's hard. It will get better over time and finding a new T will certainly be helpful. I agree with the others that if you write an e-mail and just put it all out there you may feel better because everything is off your chest. Take care and good luck with the new T. Things will get better especially once you really get rolling with new T.

[scorpiosis37]

Thanks for all of your responses. I REALLY appreciate the support. And gravyyy, it's helpful to know that someone else has gone through a similar situation.

As for the suggestion to e-mail my T-- she never gave me her e-mail address. I could probably do some googling and find it, but that would feel weird. Because she never offered her e-mail address to me, it sends the message to me that e-mailing is not acceptable or would somehow break the boundaries that she set.

However, I think I will bring this conversation up to my new T when I meet her next week and see what she thinks. Even if I'm not ready to totally open up to new T yet, this is something I should be able to talk to her about and something she would probably have good advice on.

You're right sanangel--- it definitely does feel like there wasn't a sense of closure. I fee like she tried to give me a sense of closure-- and I tried to create one with the card-- but I feel like closure is a process. It doesn't just happen in the last 5 minutes of our last session. It's true that my feeling of "omg I miss T!" is getting less each day, but simply having that response from her of "I acknowledge that I did receive your card. Thank-you. I heard those nice things you said and I appreciated them"-- would make SUCH a difference!!! It's just weird to pour your heart out in a card and not at least get a "thank-you" AFTER the other person reads it-- because, in all other relationships (family, friends, teachers, colleagues) that is the "normal" expectation. Even if someone moves away, the relationship isn't extremely intimate one moment, and completely over forever the next-- you have the option of occassionally checking in with one another. It's just hard for me to understand emotionally (even though I understand mentally) that I don't get to stay in touch with my T and that my T isn't worrying about missing me or never seeing me again.