[sittingatwatersedge]

Next appt is still 12 days off ...

this morning I was mentally listing the "issues" by which my life keeps getting tripped up, and when I got to six, I was startled by a thought that only half an hour earlier I had been considering quitting, since I really don't know what I am supposed to do in next session.

This seems like a lack of focus. Maybe due to the long time interval (a month, yikes). Or maybe it's just one more facet of self hatred teling myself that I am wasting T's time, and SHE would rather that I quit.

Does anyone else ever have widely fluctuating feelings about "I really need to do this" and "I really don't need to do this" ?

[Fartraveler]

Does anyone else ever have widely fluctuating feelings about "I really need to do this" and "I really don't need to do this" ?

All the time. For me, some of the "I really don't need . . ." is a form of distancing and self-protection. I still have those thoughts but at this point I generally just ignore them.

-Far

[Melbadaze]

Sitting, Yes.

((((((((((sawe)))))))))))

Yes, I absolutely have gone back and forth between thinking I don't need therapy and thinking I can't live without it.

For me, it seems like the times when I think I don't need therapy are times when I am trying to avoid something. The thing is, I *really* feel at those moments that I don't need therapy...and then I'll talk to T about it, and things will come up, and I'll realize that it was just my subconscious trying to avoid the yuck. I really am grateful now that I never quit at any of the times when I had that feeling, because I imagine I would be stuck at the level of healing I was at when I quit. I'm glad that I am giving myself a chance to heal.

I don't think that it's a matter of a "lack of focus". Therapy is hard. We are dealing with our past, our present, and our future in these little 50 minute chunks of time. I know that for me, sometimes it's just a big swirly mess and it's SO hard to pick out what's the most important. I really do believe that just showing up, week after week, month after month, is half the battle.

What if you talked to T about how you're feeling?

[mobius]

I seem to vacillate between really wanting therapy and really wanting to not want therapy.

[sittingatwatersedge]

so... it's not healing ... it's really just avoidance again, under another guise? am I EVER going to get down this road any perceptible amount?!

avoidance... that might figure... I say I don't know where we go in next session after all this time, but I have a lurking suspicion that we are at a point (again) where I have to think & talk about what T calls "self forgiveness" and it is like those words are in some language I cannot understand. I can feel the anxiety just typing it out.

how can you possibly get anything done in an hour after an interval of four weeks? I hate the one hour chunk. whoever thought that up I demand a recount.

[granite1]

OMG i think like this all the time because i have such a hard time talking.before i can even do any work i need to get over this and it has been about 7 months now.i always feel im wasting my T time but i guess if i was she would tell me

Originally Posted by sittingatwatersedge

so... it's not healing ... it's really just avoidance again, under another guise? am I EVER going to get down this road any perceptible amount?!

Awwwww, ((((((((((sawe)))))))))

Only you can figure out if it's avoidance. Sometimes it has been for ME, but that doesn't mean that that is YOUR truth.

And, good news...at this point, I would say with a fair amount of confidence that I need T less because of healing, and not avoidance. The same could easily be true for you

One hour every 4 weeks is not very much. That sounds REALLY hard.

to you!