Healing through feeling?

velcro003 · May 24, 2010, 08:09 PM

My T keeps saying that I will start feeling better if I allow myself to really FEEL the feelings that come up, especially in regards to my childhood and the relationship with my mom. I have spent the 2.5 years in therapy saying that I had a good childhood, with loving parents...but I avoid contact with my mom. I talk to her regularly, but I never let her in. When we see each other, it goes ok, but if it goes any "deeper" than the surface is usually when I fele like crap.

I don't know. I was talking to my T last week about how I feel a connection to my aunts, and this one (vague) memory I have where I followed around my one aunt, attached to her side, one week on vacation. My family always goes to the Adirondacks every year, and this particular year my mom didn't go. I vaguely remember basking under the attention of my aunt.

I don't even know if this is TRUE! I told her about how I remember hanging out with her, and then I shut down. I said it felt wrong, and I didn't want to talk about it anymore. She pointed out the pattern of me shutting down whenever I get too close to any emotions by saying it is wrong, or berating myself or something. That the only way to feel better about the relationship I have with my mom is to go there. That it isn't blaming, but the reality of what happened.

She said if I let myself feel whatever comes up, that it will make me feel better and improve the relationship I have with my mom...but I don't believe it. Why would me feeling sad about what I may have missed with my mom going to make me feel BETTER now?

Any insight?

elliemay · May 25, 2010, 05:38 AM

Sometimes I think it's not so much feeling the feelings themselves, but the act of not becoming overwhelmed by them.

It's possible that you were inundated by feelings when you were little. You might not have been emotionally equipped to deal with them. The risk of being sucked under by them may have been too great.

As a result, you just decided not to feel. It is easier and safer than risk being obliterated.

However, if those emotions are, in fact, there, and you can access them without going under, then that may make it safe to feel again.

Just my opinion on the emphasis on feeling everything in therapy.

Perna · May 25, 2010, 07:06 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by velcro003

Why would me feeling sad about what I may have missed with my mom going to make me feel BETTER now?

Mostly it will free up the energy you are using holding things in place where they don't belong. What you may have missed with your mom took place "back there" not here but you keep it here by not having ever lived it.

Yes you may/will feel sad, maybe even devastated, lost, lonely, etc. but then you will be through the worst of it, it won't hang around being mysterious like it is now. It also won't happen all at once, your heart and mind are wonderful and where they "protected" you then by shutting down, they'll make sure the reveal goes only as fast as you're able to deal with it now, that you're older and able to care for yourself more/don't need a mom's full-time attention.

May 25, 2010, 07:13 AM

My t also says the same thing. It is a rare occasion that I really access my feelings about things. I'm an expert in supression. When those feelings do surface, he pushes me to hang on to them and let them come. While it feels like crap to have feelings come up, it is a bit of a catharsis to let them come and ride them through.

sunrise · May 25, 2010, 11:04 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Perna

Mostly it will free up the energy you are using holding things in place where they don't belong.

Perna's wisdom hits it right on the head for me. That is exactly what has happened for me. I have spent so much energy holding feelings inside for decades that when I finally did release some of my feelings in therapy, I had so much energy for other things in life. A lot of stress and tension was relieved that I didn't even know was there. It's like trying to be a dam and holding back the river. Exhausting.

It has been very healing to feel some of those things from the past. I have also been trying hard not to immediately stuff present day feelings deep inside. I don't want to waste energy holding those inside either. I don't want to add to the backlog and wait to release them in several years time or perhaps never. So I try to feel today's feelings today and little by little, release the past ones. Some day I will be all caught up.

This kind of therapy is a lot of work, velcro, and can be painful. But for me, at least, it has been worth it.

Sannah · May 25, 2010, 11:20 AM

A fully functioning human lets his/her feelings flow. Do you want to be a fully functioning human?

velcro003 · May 25, 2010, 12:59 PM

Lol @ sannah! I already am functioning! Why complicate it?

You guys gave me a lot to think about and make really valid points. I'm typing this on my phone, but when I get home I will properly respond.

velcro003 · May 25, 2010, 08:34 PM

Ok, I'm home and have time to respond!

Quote:

Originally Posted by elliemay

Sometimes I think it's not so much feeling the feelings themselves, but the act of not becoming overwhelmed by them.

It's possible that you were inundated by feelings when you were little. You might not have been emotionally equipped to deal with them. The risk of being sucked under by them may have been too great.

As a result, you just decided not to feel. It is easier and safer than risk being obliterated.

However, if those emotions are, in fact, there, and you can access them without going under, then that may make it safe to feel again.

Just my opinion on the emphasis on feeling everything in therapy.

Gosh ellie, you hit the nail on the head by the OVERWHELMING-ness of feelings. They consume me when I allow myself to feel them, and I can't ever imagine being able to get my feet under me if I let myself feel sad or upset.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Perna

Mostly it will free up the energy you are using holding things in place where they don't belong. What you may have missed with your mom took place "back there" not here but you keep it here by not having ever lived it.

Yes you may/will feel sad, maybe even devastated, lost, lonely, etc. but then you will be through the worst of it, it won't hang around being mysterious like it is now. It also won't happen all at once, your heart and mind are wonderful and where they "protected" you then by shutting down, they'll make sure the reveal goes only as fast as you're able to deal with it now, that you're older and able to care for yourself more/don't need a mom's full-time attention.

Thanks Perna. What you said about the freeing up of energy is something my T tries to get across to me: that it takes a lot of energy holding everything back, but it doesn't feel like I am! I feel the same as I always do.

Quote:

Originally Posted by sunrise

Perna's wisdom hits it right on the head for me. That is exactly what has happened for me. I have spent so much energy holding feelings inside for decades that when I finally did release some of my feelings in therapy, I had so much energy for other things in life. A lot of stress and tension was relieved that I didn't even know was there. It's like trying to be a dam and holding back the river. Exhausting.

It has been very healing to feel some of those things from the past. I have also been trying hard not to immediately stuff present day feelings deep inside. I don't want to waste energy holding those inside either. I don't want to add to the backlog and wait to release them in several years time or perhaps never. So I try to feel today's feelings today and little by little, release the past ones. Some day I will be all caught up.

This kind of therapy is a lot of work, velcro, and can be painful. But for me, at least, it has been worth it.

Huh. I'm constantly amazed and awed by your insight. It truly is incredible, Sunny. What I bolded is what really struck me. It doesn't feel exhausting to me, but I also don't have much energy for life. I just take that as me being a lazy person.