[Melbadaze]

Today was the last session for a week. As I posted earlier this week, after 6yrs a week is a drop in the ocean, but the build up it to again this time has felt like 2 steps back, I know, I know, the dance of therapy and all that.

We finally "got-into-it" today, and I told her how I've tried to understand the breaks, but I don't, I don't understand where she goes and why? not literally where she goes, and how it feels such a violent act.

T asked me if my mother came and went a lot? I said physcially? no, but emotionally? YES, all the time, I;d walk into aroom and feel my heart in my chest until I found which one of her was there, then I said, thats silly, because our hearts are in our chest, T said, yes but we're not always aware of it, sounds like you were in a hightened state of anxiety, she asked me if my mum physically attacked me? I said no. She asked if there was anything she could do to help me? I nodded no, I wanted to say, yeah hold me or dont go, but I didn't.

We talked some more, than the session ended and home I went. I think I see that today she was trying to help me see where my not understanding here coming and going is coming from. I think its helped me a bit, I dont feel so hung up on T "going" next week, but I know I'm still not there with it yet, but speaking about the confusion and not understanding how people can come and go and it not be personal has helped.

[Perna]

It's funny how some things can get resolved but others not really. When my father married my stepmother when I had just turned five, my stepmother was a stay-at-home mum and when I wasn't in school, took me everywhere with her, etc. I remember meeting her deceased husband's parents even, and have even dreamed about that father-in-law and her dead husband! My little brain got scrambled with so many new people (my stepmother had three younger brothers all living in the same area we did and all with their own children, most of whom were little girls around my age). What still matters to me now is I'm never comfortable in anyone else's home because I was taken to meet so many strangers who were relatives and even left with the new aunts/cousins, etc. but didn't quite understand or believe she'd come back to get me? So, I don't want to get comfortable in someone else's house, maybe I'll be "stuck" there. My husband and I babysit the grandchildren together at their house, it would be too hard for me alone!

I caught myself being aware, in my 20's, of cars coming/going from my parents home and had a sudden insight that I was checking to see if it was my stepmother or father coming/going as I was comfortable with my father being home but not my stepmother, that made me anxious. I think that sounds a little bit like how you felt with your adopted mother being/not being in the room? It's all probably related to the problem of T going on vacation. Being alone in "strange" or adult circumstances and places makes me anxious as I'm not sure who's going to "take care of" me if there's a problem?

[Sannah]

That connection makes a lot of sense Melba.

[WePow]

Melba - I think that what you are doing by feeling the loss of T takes a ton of courage. Keep on being honest and feeling what is there. It will lead you home.