recall the other thread i posted about difference between client and T.

well, this leads me to ask: because T becomes so important to many people, is it possible that they can have an influence over us?

perhaps not directly like a T saying "SW -- you need to become a white supremist like me" but indirectly because as clients we:

(a) want our T's to like us
(b) maybe confused about lots of things
(c) are vulnerable to feelings and not sure about what we feel or want in our lives yet
(d) DO NOT want to be different or are afraid that T can't understand

or is this just a ridiculous thought?

for example: Velcro003 choose one on my scenarios....

velcro003 said she is confused about relationships. velcro003's T is gay. Is it possible that T's influence confuses velcro003 more or drives velcro003 in a certain direction because of the dynamics of the T-client relationship.

Or would that be a bad T? ..... and is it natural that velcro003 would question based on her relationship with T, but the truth would eventually be found???

**what if you are like me and totally clueless in the world, young, without any connections, and still determining but trying to figure everything out. could it be worse than if you were already mature and had a career and family and etc etc.?

i want to find the "real me" -- but not become a "me" based on the influence of someone i really like and respect and want to like me.

do you guys get what I am asking?

[Perna]

I don't think you become a me, you already are one when you're born. It's more like uncovering the me you started with that got bent in growing up. So, T's help and influence with either uncovering who you are or you feel more blanketed :-)

My T wore her wedding band and I didn't wear mine but I loved the look of my T's hand so started wearing my wedding ring on days I had T because I wanted to be like her. What I liked about her was her quiet strength; not any of her lifestyle choices (which one doesn't really get to know that much about; so she was married too, if she'd been divorced, she wouldn't have urged me to divorce if we weren't talking about my marriage) one chooses what one wants/need to talk about based on what you want to uncover. So her marriage/relationships weren't in there, either way.

It's more about your character, not your lifestyle choices. Sure if she's a happy person you're going to probably feel happier in her presence or think she's too happy if you're depressed, etc. but it works both ways, equally; T's are open to us, it's a conversation/two way street.

T's like themselves and choices for those selves for their own lives but aren't in the business of trying to get other people to be like they are at all. They want you to find your self (and you have to do the finding, they're just along for the ride) and what fits You for you and your life.

[Melbadaze]

you only takes bits from others that fit with who you are.

[BlackCanary]

SW on the specific scenario you mentioned:
I'd bet that Velcro's T is not talking about his/her life but is likely very much accepting of his/herself. It is hard to be a minority that is often vilified by society. So, Velcro may be influenced by this personal self-acceptance that this T can radiate, and feel better about just being Velcro.

Opinion - I very much believe that sexual orientation is present at an early age. I don't think a T (or parent or minister or anyone else) can influence it or change it one way or another...

[velcro003]

Also Solar, part of the reason I went into therapy was the fact that i was confused, and knew she was gay before I even saw her. Of course, we haven't ever talked about that in the 2.5 years...but whatever!

[chaotic13]

I worried about this issue for a long time. Part of my fear about letting my T know who I really was or what my true thoughts were was that she would then have the power to use her T skills to manipulate me. But, now I know that I am open minded enough to try her suggestions but when it comes to my orientation or other core beliefs (God, etc)...IDK my own instinct kick in and I don't think there not going to be influenced or changed by my T. Also, my T has helped me get in touch with my inner knowning, my felt sense.. I would know if I was being pushed in the wrong direction. IDK though how well that sense would work for someone with less overall life experience.

[sunrise]

Originally Posted by Solarwind

i want to find the "real me" -- but not become a "me" based on the influence of someone i really like and respect and want to like me.

SW, we all are influenced by the people in our lives, whether therapists, teachers, clergy, friends, relatives, co-workers, etc. I had several influential adults in my life when I was a teen and a young adult. I think this can be very positive in the life of a young person. You can look at those people, see what you admire and want to emulate, and use them as role models to become the person you want to be in life. If your T has qualities you admire, then that is a good thing. If you can become "more like her" in these attributes you admire and respect, then that is a good thing too. I think everyone can benefit from mentors and role models, and perhaps your T can partly be those things.

is it possible that they can have an influence over us?

Considering therapists, if therapy is successful, then I think they would have influenced us to change, solve our problems, become more functional, social, assertive--whatever it is you are there to work on. I think therapy in which the therapist has no influence would not be that effective.

**what if you are like me and totally clueless in the world, young, without any connections, and still determining but trying to figure everything out. could it be worse than if you were already mature and had a career and family and etc etc.?

I wouldn't say it would be worse if you were younger, but perhaps because you are less "formed" yet, a person could have a greater influence. Although I am in mid-life, I have been greatly influenced by my T. He is a good communicator, and I have come to want to be better at communicating too. He is very authentic--his inside and outside personas are in sync. I have admired this greatly and now strive to be more authentic too. He has influenced me in so many positive ways. He has some qualities that I do not admire or seek to emulate. Like not answering phone calls. So even though he is this way, I have not chosen to become more like him in this regard. I don't think he likes me less because I am not a bad phone call answerer. You just kind of pick and choose the features you want to model yourself on.

I hope your T will be a positive influence in your life.

[granite1]

sunrise has said exactally what i was thinking couldnt say it any better myself

[zooropa]

I have wondered something similar, actually, so this thread was very interesting to me. I don't know if it's my Ts influence or due to some other aspects of my life that have changed so drastically since I started therapy, but I do have questions similar to velcro's and have wondered if it was me wanting to be more like my T or what.

I just had to really think about it, though, to know that I had those same questions before I met my T. And we have never talked about sexual orientation, even though I know my T is gay she has never actually TOLD me that.

There have been cases where therapists have influenced clients into believing things that were not true, so yes, it is possible.

The relationship between T and client is unbalanced and T can hold alot of power. That being said, there is a difference between a T sharing their beliefs in a discussion or if a client asks, and a T manipulating you into believing something or behaving in some way.

Manipulation would be wrong...in any relationship.

[velcro003]

Originally Posted by zooropa

I have wondered something similar, actually, so this thread was very interesting to me. I don't know if it's my Ts influence or due to some other aspects of my life that have changed so drastically since I started therapy, but I do have questions similar to velcro's and have wondered if it was me wanting to be more like my T or what.

I just had to really think about it, though, to know that I had those same questions before I met my T. And we have never talked about sexual orientation, even though I know my T is gay she has never actually TOLD me that.

Yeah my T hasn't come out and said it, but she alluded to it once and she has signed her daughter up for programs where I work, so I've seen the registration forms with her entire family info.

[zooropa]

I have thought my T was gay ever since I first met her. Then I became friends with another of her clients, and we compared notes, lol. Also, she talks about her partner, and she has her cell phone forwarded to her home sometimes and then her partner will answer, who is a very nice woman. So yeah, my T has never told me she is gay but if I asked her I'm sure she wouldn't deny it.

That actually makes me wonder...why have I never asked her? I guess because I already know, and it doesn't matter. She is who she is, regardless of her personal life choices. It doesn't influence my therapy except in that I'm sure being in a healthy, committed relationship only makes her happier and thus a better T.

[elliemay]

I really don't think that T's are out to create a bunch of "Mini me's" out of their clients.

I think that's why most T's don't offer advice (which can itself be infuriating sometimes!) but rather give us room to come to our own conclusions. They may help us figure out what we want, but I think our wants remain separate and distinct from theirs.

That's not say that my T hasn't been very directive with me sometimes. Those times were when I was engaging in self-destructive behaviours and not along the lines of "you should accept Jesus Christ as your lord and saviour".

Nonetheless, if you are worried about feeling like a sparrow in a hurricane, if would definitely talk to your T about your worries.

Most T's really want us to settle in our own skin and not any port in that storm.

[WePow]

Solar... I think that all of us try to take on traits of people we admire. We shun traits of those we do not like. I think this is the way life is. And I think it is a wonderful thing to be as wise as you appear to be and to be very selective of the traits you want to incorporate into your own personality.

thanks everyone for your thoughtful responses.
it was very helpful.

hang in there folks. --peace and thanks, really.


(just wanted to try these once and see what they looked like-- )

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