left a message for T

During this 13 day break from T, I had only left one message, and that was to tell him how good I feel.

But, UGH, something came up last night that made me feel so so so so SO icky and made all of the CSA stuff come rushing back. its something I am going to have to do, but I don't want to do, and it puts the CSA stuff front and center in my mind.

So, right after i found out about this thing I have to do, I was feeling SO gross and scared and I was driving alone in the dark on kind of a rural road and just felt so ALONE with all of it. I called T and left a message about what was going on, and tried to work through it a little bit on the message.

I guess the good thing is that I still feel connected and safe with T, even though we had this huge break. That is really really really big for me. And I guess the other good thing is that, in leaving those two messages, I was able to process a little bit, make a decision about how to proceed, and realize that I needed to work to get grounded in NOW. So, today, I think I'm okay. I KNOW a year ago, I would have been triggered to the point of having a hard time functioning. So, I guess that I HAVE made progress.

Typing this is making me feel better. Last night (and when I started typing this), I was feeling so disappointed in myself for being triggered. But I guess I can see now that I am making it through the trigger, and I'm basically okay. Still feel kind of icky and sad, but basically okay.

Maybe this is what healing is like? Not that we'll never be triggered or feel icky and scared ever again...but that when that happens, we'll know what to do. I really don't know.

and , both.

Treehouse

Yes you are healing. If you ask T that question, you will get a big yes from him too. I'm sorry it's icky.

But you are healing!!

not in the best place to give advice but i got lots of hugs and kind thoughts for what you are feeling and im sorry that something has come up that is forcing you to feel this way.

(((((((((((((((((tree))))))))))))))))))

I know it's hard, but to me, it does seem like you're healing. You're able to accept the trigger and go on. I think you did great work, and without your T! He will be so proud of you!!

hi treehouse, yes it seems like that must be what healing is (but don't ask me for sure, i'm not really there myself! )
and maybe it's hard to heal because there's a part of you that's thinking, "oh crap, if i can do this myself, then what do i need my therapist for?" i know i've struggled with that at least. it's ironic that the only other message you left him was to say that you're doing well, so it's almost like you were taking it back last night saying, "wait! no, i'm not doing well, i need you still!"
anyway, just a thought. i'm sure it will be nice to see him again and tell him how you did with the break and the realization of how much progress you've made in the past year. that's something to look forward to.

It sounds like you're doing a wonderful job working on it and helping yourself! I'm so sorry the trigger came up but glad you felt you could call your T anyway.

Sorry that you were triggered but YAY for doing the work to get grounded. It's so easy to slip off into the awfulness....

It's definitely part of the work....to know how to ground yourself and handle it when you get triggered. My hope is that down the road, the triggers will be less frequent and less intense....but knowing how to handle it is a huge accomplishment!!

You know, I don't think it's really that. I know I used to be afraid of getting "better" because I might not need T anymore. I think I'm learning that I can need T as long as I need him...and that getting better feels right and good.

I really was just super triggered - like i haven't been in quite a while with the CSA stuff. Basically, I was forced to reveal to someone (for a legitimate reason, I really had to tell this person) that there was SA in my childhood. And YUCK. yuck. I was so blindsided by the whole thing. I actually thought about calling the on call T for help, but I realized "I feel so icky" probably wasn't a "mental health emergency", so I called T.

Actually for me, being able to call him and admit that something scary had come up at the end of a huge break is gigantic progress. It means that I didn't shut down while he was away...I still trust him and still feel safe. I love that

I love that too, tree!

I'm still where you used to be, at the point of being afraid to get better, afraid of all the changes that brings. So it's good to know that we can move through that and be ok on the other side.

You have sailed through this break from your T so well, tree, I hope you see that!

(((((( Tree ))))))) Actually, YES! This is EXACTLY what trauma healing is like!
You were safe enough to allow yourself to emotionally process THROUGH the trauma trigger. You did not run from the feelings. You did not use any self destructive behavior to avoid or mask the pain. You were DOING it the exact right way!! And you reached out to your T and did what you knew would keep you safe in the NOW as you walked through it.

I am certain your T will be very proud of you for doing the work you just did.
That is so awesome in ways I can't explain because it is seeing a perfect example of how T showed me the trauma work was going when I did it. I was feeling the guilt for emailing him "so much" because stuff would trigger me at every turn. T told me that is exactly what I needed to do - just feel the triggers, understand why I was triggered, allow myself to BE in the feeling when it was going on (feelings don't harm us - even though they can be rough). And you did all this!!! This is just SOOOOOOO AMAZING!!!!

wepow, I just want you to know that what you said is exactly what my T says to me allll the time. You have a lot of wisdom you have gained on your journey. I'm so glad you share that here with us.