My termination experience

Ok, it was suggested in the New Members Forum that I post here.

I have been in counseling for over three years. In the first year, I developed transferential feelings for my first therapist which I tried to discuss with him. One, of the many reasons I began counseling,was due to marriage difficulties. My husband despised my counseling. He would ask me how "my boyfriend" or "my boy" was doing that day. Therapy seemed a safe place.

I was growing in therapy, and yet, my therapist confused me. On one hand, he told me transference was a very normal part of the therapeutic process but then the next week, said he had attempted to consult another counselor to see if I should be referred. After that moment, I decided not to discuss anymore for fear of being terminated. There was much that occurred over the next few months, one being... his distance. I finally had enough and sent him an email terminating my therapy. He responded with..."Naturally, I want to work through each of these issues and experiences with you." We agreed to meet the following day. I allowed myself to be very vulnerable and was shocked the next day to arrive and he terminate me. It seemed so cruel, I felt set up.

I cannot explain in a thread the damage that was created in that moment. I later described it like this....Imagine wrapping a gift. For me it was the gift of trust. For nine months with his help, I found the perfect wrapping paper and bow for my very special gift. In less than one hour, he unwrapped my gift to myself and now all I see is torn paper and tattered bow.

The most difficult has always been seeing him around town, or with his family and the betrayal, shame, rejection, humiliation,guilt, hurt and anger I feel. When friends talk about their great therapy experience with the same man who terminated me,it hurts!

Two and a half years later, it still hurts.

Are you in therapy now?

Hi there Lost in Termination

I so relate to your termination story. I had a similar experience (though it didn’t involve transference like yours and the time with my ex-T was only 6 months.)

I took a break from seeing my T because things didn’t seem to be getting anywhere but I finished on the grounds of its only being a break with the proviso that if I needed to I could come back to him. He was totally in accord with that, said he would always be there for me to come back to.

Well a few weeks later I decided I wanted to see him again and arranged an appointment to discuss coming back to him and what d’you know he used that session to tell me that therapy between us was finished that he couldn’t help me and wouldn’t be my T anymore. Wow did I feel rejected and messed about with. I’d been feeling like I’d done pretty good for myself by having the courage to leave in the first place (something I NEVER do) and having him turn the tables and terminate ME really blew it all to pieces. The worst part was that I really had trusted him (as you talk about in your post) and believed he was on my side no matter what and this just destroyed not only my trust in therapists but made me experience myself as unfixable, that I’d really blown it by standing up for my needs and like I’d been tricked.

My rational thoughts on this kind of thing is that when Ts can’t deal with a client or an issue and behave like that it’s in order to sustain their own self image of being a ‘good’ T and has very little to do with the interests of a client. It really does sound like your T had serious shortcomings in the ability to deal properly with transference issues, and that he called you back for a session in which he could fire you - speaks volumes about his inadequacies.

Which doesn’t help you still feeling those terrible feelings a long time afterwards! It must be really hard seeing him around the place (a constant reminder not only of his rejection but of the transference feelings you had for him) but also hearing other people deny your experience of him by saying what a wonderful T he is. I’m so sorry you’re in that awful position.

3velniai asks a good question - are you seeing a T now? I ask that because it sounds like you could do with seeing another T (a good one!) who can help you sort through all the bad stuff you’re still experiencing with the ex-T.

Hope you’re doing ok

Torn

Sounds like a new T would be your first port of call from what you wrote.

Ouch! I can sure understand your feeling "set up"
I think I would feel that way too.

It could be the termination thing was about his issues..... though a good and professional therapist shouldn't bring their issues to the client-- they are human after all, and some may make irreparable mistakes.

I'm sorry this happened and I hope you can reach out and learn to trust a different helping hand.

I hope you find healing and peace within

fins

The impression I get is that both lost in termination and Torn Mind already had issues with their therapists and seem to have been halfway out the door when the therapist, instead of inviting them to come back and talk about it, proceeded to close the door behind them.

I can see how that would feel like something of a betrayal, as in, "Hey, you weren't supposed to do that!" The way I'm picturing it, though, is that the therapist realized he/she was having issues with the client, too, maybe wasn't entirely sure he/she was up to working through them successfully, and thought terminating would be the least messy solution or something.

There's even the possibility that after promising to be there for you, the T reconsidered it, maybe spoke to a colleague or supervisor, and discovered that that promise was a reflection of their own issues and they'd had no business making it. Again, not a very graceful way out -- but it may have spared the T the embarrassment of admitting they'd screwed up or even letting the client use session time to help the T process their own stuff.

I personally think it would do both of you good to let go of the idea that you might be such bad clients that you triggered your Ts into terminating you, and instead consider that you and your T simply found yourselves with the wrong person at the wrong time. For whatever good it does, I wish you both (and anyone else in a similar situation) better luck next time.

The impression I get is that both lost in termination and Torn Mind already had issues with their therapists and seem to have been halfway out the door when the therapist, instead of inviting them to come back and talk about it, proceeded to close the door behind them.

A couple of months before my termination, my therapist told me he was leaving the practice and relocating to another practice in the same town. He invited me to come with him, saying, " No door was closing beyond our control". Yet, he also became very distant.I described it later as, not being present. My actions were probably similar to that of a child throwing a temper tantrum. I wanted him to be present. I wanted him to want to be present, too.

At the advice of my therapist, I went back to discuss my termination and asked him. Why? His reply...he was protecting himself.

I can see how that would feel like something of a betrayal, as in, "Hey, you weren't supposed to do that!" The way I'm picturing it, though, is that the therapist realized he/she was having issues with the client, too, maybe wasn't entirely sure he/she was up to working through them successfully, and thought terminating would be the least messy solution or something.

[COLOR="red"]His words at termination....You probably think I am a cold, aloof bastard.[/COLOR]

There's even the possibility that after promising to be there for you, the T reconsidered it, maybe spoke to a colleague or supervisor, and discovered that that promise was a reflection of their own issues and they'd had no business making it. Again, not a very graceful way out -- but it may have spared the T the embarrassment of admitting they'd screwed up or even letting the client use session time to help the T process their own stuff.
[COLOR="rgb(0, 255, 255)"]
I asked the question. He said, "No". Maybe, had he spoken with a Supervisor the outcome would have been different. I dunno the answer to either.
[/COLOR]
I personally think it would do both of you good to let go of the idea that you might be such bad clients that you triggered your Ts into terminating you, and instead consider that you and your T simply found yourselves with the wrong person at the wrong time. For whatever good it does, I wish you both (and anyone else in a similar situation) better luck next time.

[COLOR="rgb(0, 255, 255)"]I do agree with Torn, just haven't had a chance to respond to her. The primary feeling I felt after termination...I was unfixable. Like it was more than he could handle, I was more than he could handle.

One very small glimpse of my life post-termination...

I begin seeing a female counselor he suggested. I also start marriage counseling because of the emotional breakdown I experienced after the termination. I also entered group counseling to work through some other issues. A year after termination, I am in my group counseling session when the facilitator talks about attending a conference with a colleague. She tells the story of his desire to speak with the well known author after the conference about a patient he had terminated. After hearing her discuss, I began to cry. She looked at me and said, "It is someone you know." (She knew he was my former therapist). She had no idea that I was the patient because I had not mentioned my termination. I left group therapy.

One and a half years later, I terminate individual counseling after she mentions a conversation she had with my former counselor where my name came up. I asked her to describe a scenario to me where that could occur. She said... she asked him how his job was going...He said, "Ok, it hadn't really been the same since I left group counseling." I felt if she was telling me something he (potentially) said about me, what was she saying to him about me. It didn't feel safe any longer and I left.[/COLOR]

Did you learn more about what he said about the patient and the termination? I am just guessing--but could he now be feeling remorse over how he handled it? It's hard to say without knowing more about what he said. Do you think he might now be remorseful and very conscious that he handled it very poorly?

I am a huge risk taker, lost in termination, so what I am going to say next probably will seem incredibly dumb, but if I were in a situation where I had been very hurt by a therapist and had had trouble getting over it, and I had some kind of inkling that he might be feeling remorse (essential to have an inkling or an intuition or at least something), I would go to have a session with him. Just one. I would tell him it had always haunted me the way our therapy had ended, and open the door for him to do some explaining and maybe apologizing. Above all else, I would give him the opportunity to do some healing, first of me, and through this, of himself too. This would not be continuing therapy with him but a one time shot to heal.

I know that is a bold suggestion, and I apologize if it is just completely an ill fit and hurtful in itself. I have recently come through a very difficult divorce and have had some opportunities for healing that I created and made come about. Without my own actions, my healing would not have come so far. It is a risk, but it always helped me to think of the alternative--what if I did nothing? Where would I be? And am I OK with that? Are the consequences if it doesn't go well something I can handle? (Is there risk for harm as well as gain, and how much potential harm am I willing to risk for the "whole kit and caboodle" of healing?)

This seems vague and unsatisfactory. Did he believe that you were a threat to him in some way? Did he perhaps have feelings for you that he could not work through?

I think he could have handled this so much better. I would imagine his handling of this set you back quite a lot in your therapy process. I hope your new therapy is working out well.

That sounds to me more like social than therapeutic conversation -- as if he was thinking he was a cold, aloof bastard and rather lamely apologizing to you for it. If he's no longer going to be doing therapy with you then I don't see that how you perceive him is any of his business. Now I'm wondering why he cared. If it wasn't really for your benefit, could it have been for his own somehow? Tangled up in countertransference and struggling to extricate himself?

(You don't have to answer these; I'm just trying to make sense of this for myself.)

I am a huge risk taker, lost in termination, so what I am going to say next probably will seem incredibly dumb, but if I were in a situation where I had been very hurt by a therapist and had had trouble getting over it, and I had some kind of inkling that he might be feeling remorse (essential to have an inkling or an intuition or at least something), I would go to have a session with him. Just one.
No, it is a good question. Six months after my termination, I did go back twice to discuss the termination. The first time, I read a letter to him I wrote shortly after the termination. Before I went, my current therapist had said my former therapist felt our relationship was too damaged...I asked him about the comment. He became agitated and indicated that he was not the one who felt our relationship was too damaged, he insinuated it was the new therapist who said it. I asked her, she never completely answered me. She said don't ever make it one against the other. I never understood who said it, just knew it wasn't me. At that session, he blamed the failure on me, saying I once said the therapy door may be closing. It was a comment I did make when he announced his relocation to another office in response to some insurance issues I was having at the time. That is when assured me that "no door was closing". I told him at that session, he was the one who closed the therapy door.

Second time, I asked him about his distance...It was when he said he was protecting himself. I wanted to ask why, but was too afraid of the answer. We spent the session discussing how it made me feel both in the therapy room and the aftermath. I left the session with more questions than answers.

No, I don't think he viewed me as a threat. I never did anything inappropriate. Once I was at a park with my kids and some friends when his wife and kids showed up to play. (I knew it was his family because a couple of weeks prior, I was eating with my family when he and his showed up at the same restaurant.) I asked my friends if we could leave. I felt embarrassed, ashamed, guilty. When my daughter began playing with his, it was painful. I later said it taught me alot about myself...how kids are just kids, It is only through our experiences with others that we develop our fears. I also said it reminded me how keeping secrets as an adult, created the same emotions that it did as a child. No one knew at the park that day, except me. Strangely, even though I was there first I worried I might have done something wrong. My therapist later assured me I did not.

I had a very bad abrupt termination by a T who'd treated me for 13 years. Something had happened and it's a long story, but I wasn't given a real explanation of why it required termination beyond "I can no longer remain objective." Though I see ways in which termination could have been called for--and agree that ending was good for me, the process she took really bothered me and it took me 4 years to seek therapy again.

But: If a T feels that they are compromised in their ability to help the patient, e.g. can't remain objective, etc. they are REQUIRED to terminate; it would be unethical for them to continue. So who knows what thoughts they have going on that they are telling. But terminating might not really be within their power to decide. If any number of given conditions are present, they must terminate, and if they’ve consulted colleagues and supervisors about it, they will be leaned on to terminate where a question of ethics comes into play. It might not be personal to you for anything about you, it might be about the T herself, but often they’re not going to share details like that with the patient.

From my personal experience and research, I believe that the field needs to come up with stronger requirements, and enforce them, about the termination process in order to better protect and serve patients. I was devastated for 4 years. So often the process is insufficient, cold, and not healthy. And it could so easily be handled better.

Hi,
This sounds like a particularly hurtful experience during a time when you were experiencing marital problems and were receiving support from a therapist. It is quite ironic that you bumped into him and his family at a restaurant – yet another painful experience and one that you somehow blame yourself for. The frustration at not having a satisfactory conclusion is understandable. But, from what you say, I think you’re far better off without this T – he’s ultimately caused more harm than good! Transference or not, his actions sound incredibly self-centred without any consideration for the damage it would cause to you. Regardless, it looks as if you are possibly hooked on understanding the ‘rejection’ - is that it? Do you have any thoughts of your own about what could help fix this for you? Perhaps finding another ‘competent’ therapist who can help you to work through those feelings is the solution.

Wow, I am so sorry that happened to you. The person that we trust the most, open up to the most, become most fragile and vulnerable with - and BAM....Such a difficult thing to deal with and overcome.

((( HUGS )))

Hi,

A couple of further comments:

He described himself quite well to you - "a cold, aloof bastard". Was he expecting you to say: 'no - it's okay' so that he could feel better about himself? He's supposed to be the professional one providing advice. Maybe you could have charged him for the session I also think the conversations that your second T appears to have had with him are inappropriate - why is she discussing you with him?

You're doing the right thing by keeping well away from people like that.

From my personal experience and research, I believe that the field needs to come up with stronger requirements, and enforce them, about the termination process in order to better protect and serve patients. I was devastated for 4 years. So often the process is insufficient, cold, and not healthy. And it could so easily be handled better.[/QUOTE]

Personally, I think there is something fundamentally wrong with the therapy process as it pertains to abrupt terminations. My therapist did say it would be egregious for him to remain as my therapist, but did not elaborate why. He said therapy isn't supposed to be painful. I grieve each encounter with him. There have probably been over a dozen encounters at restaurants. Most of the time, I was with a friend when he would arrive with his wife, family, or colleague to eat. A few times, I was eating alone.
From my perspective, I had two options...to stay and endure the encounter or leave. When alone, I left and when with friends, I have stayed. A few times (when it became too much) I would sit there with my friend and cry. Of course, they would always wonder why. It's very difficult to articulate in words.

This is a man I felt a deep connection with, in many ways I loved him ( not because of who he was to me, but who I was with him) ...right or wrong, transference or not, it happened. I loved the part of him that did show emotion despite his best efforts not too, the struggle I witnessed within him...one of being a therapist and being human. I loved that I could be myself and be vulnerable. I loved that I felt safe. I grieve the part of me I lost in our termination. The part of me that was gaining self-confidence, believing in myself again ( or maybe for the first time), the part of me that would laugh and have hopes and dreams. The part of me, I allowed myself to be. I am angry at myself because I doubt I will ever give myself permission to "go there again". I do blame myself for not picking up the pieces and moving forward. I am stuck.

Hi,

Please don't give up on yourself and trying to find a way of coming to terms with your experience. I know from experience that termination can be done really well if you are in a competent and safe pair of hands. I find it amazing how 'some' T's expect their clients to be honest, vulnerable and deal with transference yet when they hit issues and trouble they're the first to run with little to no regard for the person who has bared it all emotionally. Again, I say 'some' as there are some really wonderful T's out there too

It's really great that you were at some point feeling a lot more confident about yourself - it just shows that you do have it in you. That feeling of self-confidence you had ultimately came from within you. If you really stop and think about it you have to be thinking in a particular way in order to feel self-confident - no-one pulls strings and does it for you. Can you focus on putting him and this hurt behind you and finding someone really good who can help you to achieve that and also find that wonderful self-confidence that you deserve?

Also, from my experience, therapy can be painful and it can also be truly enlightening!

Are there so few restaurants in your town that you would have that many encounters? Did you ever discuss this with him?

Lost in Termination, the reason I suggested going to see him again was because since the time you went back to see him, you had those two events occur (the ones in discussion with the book author and the other counselor who knew him) that led me to think that perhaps he was feeling differently now--remorseful perhaps. I don't know--I just got this sense from reading about those two incidents that he may be feeling differently now. Of course, one might have to be a glutton for punishment to try again. But if he is feeling remorseful, he is legally limited in his ability to contact you again, whereas you are not. It just seems striking that even several years later, this seems to be on his mind enough to mention to a counselor and to a book author--or at least there were hints of that.

Well, yes and no. Yes, I live in an area that is considered small by some standards. There are plenty of restaurants, I just think we did frequent the same places. I just mentioned restaurants here, but in two years I would see him everywhere...gas station, at my church, at a light, pass on the road, etc...

My second therapist and him were colleagues and friends. She said he had no grounds for terminating me. Over time, as the encounters continued to occur my second therapist felt I may be experiencing psychotic transference, that somehow I was "creating" these encounters even though most often (80-90% of time), I was there first, before he arrived. Partly, it was her inaccurate assessment coupled with her conversation with him, which caused me to terminate with her. In many ways, she saved my life after termination but once the rupture happened, she couldn't save it.

I do continue to "encounter" him....One time was in another town, I was at a stop light, and he drove up going the opposite direction. Another, when I was driving down interstate one day about five miles outside of town and I noticed his car behind mine.He continued behind me until we both took the same exit. None were purposeful just unexplainable. I don't blame her for her suggestion to me, but I do wonder a year later, if she regrets it? I guess now it really doesn't matter.

Sunrise, he did regret his decision. I wrote him an email about a year after I went back to see him. (My therapist was aware because I would read emails to her and he would also contact her.)

He responded that he ..."grieved that the termination was still troubling me but he was unwilling to talk about it in email." He said he would be available for me to discuss with him. At that point, I had already been to see him twice and neither time did he apologize. After his comment about his need to protect himself, I never returned. I was too afraid and ashamed.

Lost, I doubt that it's you he's actually protecting himself from except indirectly. My hunch is that you remind him of some real or imaginary person around whom he does have issues, and he's opting to protect himself from doing something stupid (or even thinking of it) by not being around you.

In that case, although you actually have nothing to be ashamed of, the incident might well have stirred up any tendency you might have had, to be ashamed anyway and worry that you must have done something wrong.

Unless you can come up with something specific you did that was a bad idea, I think you need to work on letting go of carrying someone else's problem around with you.

You indicated that your therapist did not feel threatened by you, but perhaps he believed (wrongly) that you were intentionally and repeatedly trying to have contact with him outside of the office. Of course, if he felt that way, he should have had a discussion with you about it. Moreover, I hope that you had given permission to the second therapist before she called your first therapist. Based on what you have said, I still believe that all of this was handled poorly and I hope you are getting more helpful counsel now.

Initially, when my second therapist and I first met I did give her permission to discuss my case with him. I didn't want to have to start over. After about six months, there was a mini-rupture when i learned she was meeting with him almost every Friday for coffee. At one of my sessions, she mentioned my name came up in one of their conversations. I was angry, I didn't want her "potentially" discussing me, or my case, with him. She said it didn't always have to be "about me". She assured me, she was not. I worried. At that point, I was crying in every therapy session...grieving over each encounter and mourning the part of me I lost in termination. She said it indicated I didn't trust her. I wanted to trust her, but based on my personal experiences, her comment was probably an accurate one.

Maybe, he did? I don't know.I would hope his encounters of me in other areas outside of this one, would validate it was never intentional.