[WePow]

Thank you all for the support yesterday! That was one of the hardest days of this trauma healing work. Woke up feeling much better about all that non-sense at least!

But last night I had a nightmare last night that I was trying to see T and I was next in line but other people kept being called in before I was. Then when I was the only one left, he said he had to do something and would be right with me and he shut the door. I waited and waited but he didn't come out. Then some other doc was leaving and opened the door to tell him something and he was there on his computer doing emails and watching a movie. He had totally forgot I was there waiting on him and then when I tried to tell him I was still there, I was invisible to him :-(

Oh well. It was only a dream at least! But it made me feel different inside again... I don't know how a dream can make you change your feelings like this when it didn't happen in real life. But I have done so much work on being able to actually TRUST my T. And he was there for me yesterday when I needed him yet again. He sent me an email in the AM that I read a ton of times just to make it through work. Every single time I had the bad urge to get up and leave work in my car to go carry out my "X-Plan" , I read that email and it grounded me and let me make it through the dark spell. One ride I never want to go on again was that one from yesterday!!

Now my body is chemically numb on the inside I think due to those events, so I am totally exhausted. Got to work today but I will be just fine since I don't have the energy to even consider other options at this point. So that works for me. And once again I made it through a huge battle without dissociating into an alter!!

Still did not like that dream though. Maybe my mind trying to protect me against trusting too much? This whole dang trust biz is turning out to be about as hard as the actual trauma work was! Thoughts? Ideas? Insights?

[granite1]

weepow now this is something i can totally relate to.trusting my t is huge for me t seems to be the hardest thing i need to do.i find it so inspiring to read about you and others going week after weel to t and allowing yourself to just be who you are and allow your T to help you .i get so angry that that basic ability was taken away from me.

[WePow]

(((((((((((( Granite ))))))))))))))))) I am so sorry that you can't do this too. It really is hard to learn how to trust T when I grew up expecting that I could never trust anyone really. It is a very strange thing indeed.

[Melbadaze]

Wpow, our posts are related today! strange how trust and not being seen and eyesight seem to run in both our threads eh? I guess we've trusted someone before and it left us blind to life and unable to see things clearly?

(((((((((((((WePow)))))))))))))))

I used to dream all kinds of crazy things about my T. I remember vividly that I had a dream where I went to see him on the weekend, and he looked TOTALLY different than he does during the week - like he wasn't the same person he was presenting to me. I had a dream where I was sitting in session and a couple came in and since T (in my dream) liked doing couples therapy more than individual, he just ignored me sitting there in his office and starting working with them instead. Tons and tons of dreams.

I had one dream that I can't remember clearly right now (but I could probably find in OLD e-mails to him) where he was a truck driver....I think the dream had something to do with him leaving me, and not coming back. That was the dream that shook up my trust the most. I woke up REALLY feeling like I couldn't trust him anymore. We talked about the dream, and he respected how I felt, while reminding me that he wasn't going anywhere and that he was committed to working with me.

All I could do was just keep showing up, week after week after week, whether I felt connected or scared or loving or distrustful or angry or confused or eager to work. And slowly, slowly over time, T has shown me that it really is safe to trust him. For me, ONLY time could prove that to me....I've had plenty of people in my life tell me to trust them only to hurt me, badly. T has proven to me, time and time again, that it's really okay.

Just keep showing up, WePow. You're working your way through it, even in this moment.

[Sannah]

WePow, this dream represents your unconscious fears and the dream made the fears more conscious for you.

[WePow]

Thank you all. I sent that dream to my T and he wrote back :-)

W,

I am there for you and you can trust me. You are NOT forgotten.

T

[peaches100]

[zooropa]

Originally Posted by WePow

This whole dang trust biz is turning out to be about as hard as the actual trauma work was! Thoughts? Ideas? Insights?

I have lots of crazy dreams about my T and not being seen by her. Which is weird because one of the hardest things in therapy has been for me to let her see me in the first place. Then I dream that she doesn't see me after all. Kinda crazy, lol.

I just wanted to say, wepow, that yes, the trust thing is SO SO SO hard! I am in the middle of heavy duty trauma work right now, as you know. And the trusting T is one of the hardest parts about it.

You are an inspiration and an encouragement to me, wepow. Thank you.

[rainbow8]

WePow, that's a wonderful email T sent you! I can see how reading it over and over can give you the strength to get through the day, and many days!

[WePow]

(((((((((((( Zoo ))))))))))))))))) your reply just made me cry again - happy tears this time. I don't see where I am any good to anyone most of the time. thank you so much for saying this. Thank you all for your awesome replies too !!!!!!!!! Yes, I do have a very awesome T. I told him "You are not a perfect T. But you are a GREAT T!" :-)

[sunrise]

Originally Posted by WePow

Then some other doc was leaving and opened the door to tell him something and he was there on his computer doing emails and watching a movie. He had totally forgot I was there waiting on him

Ouch! That is a very painful dream. I'm glad you told your T the dream. He responded so wonderfully. That message is really a keeper.

Originally Posted by WePow

I don't know how a dream can make you change your feelings like this when it didn't happen in real life.

WePow, I had a dream a couple of years ago and we worked on it in session and it ended up being very transformative. I think a lot can happen in our dreams that can affect our conscious life. One explanation for dreams is that they are our subconscious's way of working on our problems. If that is true, it seems very possible indeed that what happens in our dreams can affect our waking world. Especially if we find solutions in our dreams--how great to be able to make use of them!

Originally Posted by WePow

This whole dang trust biz is turning out to be about as hard as the actual trauma work was! Thoughts? Ideas? Insights?

I think the trust and relationship building will end up being the most important part of therapy for many of us. I like that you trusted your T so much you could share your dream with him. I often feel shy about telling T a dream I had about him. I sometimes share, sometimes don't. You were very trusting! I think your relationship with your T sounds wonderful.

[WePow]

I hate the nighttime. Last night going to bed my therapy thoughts and pains hit me full force again. Even knowing how good my T is for me, there is something so deep that trembles when I think about the sessions - my fear. It is so hard deep down to do this and to trust.

Last night I kept hearing over and over and over my T say he didn't get the chance to read my emails I sent him before Wed. It was several - I admit. And he already has it worked out with me that I can email all I want and he will respond if it is right for him to do so. That is fine and has really helped me heal up and be safe when the trauma stuff is going on.

But that comment just playing over and over and over etched into me... like I wonder now if I just send too much to him because I know he will not read them (or hope he won't) and I can feel like I told him but without telling him. Like I want to sneak very important things into him under the wire... ??? If I think he will not even read it, then I feel safer like he won't even realize what I am saying but I will feel better because I said it. Yet it hurts on a deep level because I feel like I want him to want to figure out what my real secrets are that I can't face. But it feels like he really doesn't want to know those or he would work to find them.

This makes no sense at all.... urrrrr.... my post doesn't make sense and my logic doesn't make sense. I just don't know why I am like that. It is not playing games with him. There is a very deep reason I am doing it this way... I just don't know what that reason is or the root.

Maybe knowing he isn't able to go that far into my secret soul keeps me safe somehow. I feel often my soul is like a thick wooded maze that is designed to keep out people and confuse them. The more I talk, the less I say and the more confused the issue becomes. Then they won't know what is really going on or why. And even though I want them to help me, I am terrified of that help. It is almost like they have to prove themselves to me - and so far no one has ever made it through the maze.

ummmmmmm

OR.... now that I think more about this ---- I remember that same feeling with my parents. I remember needing to tell them about the bad stuff that happened to me at school or walking home but I knew they would respond oddly or with punishment to me or whatever.... all the bad stuff... that it was MY fault for all the stuff. So I remember learning very early on how to tell what happened in the day but with hiding it inside other stuff - other parts of the day. Slipping it into the conversation without risking the fallout. wow. Ok MASSIVE insight !! OMG! I think I should share this with T but it kinda blows my whole way of DOING communication wide open!!! He will know for sure what I am doing - uhhhh not that he doesn't already and is waiting for me to figure it out for myself maybe? hum... sneaky Ts... or if he don't know then I am even exposed that much further.

Dudes... this is tripping me the heck out right now.

[zooropa]

OR.... now that I think more about this ---- I remember that same feeling with my parents. I remember needing to tell them about the bad stuff that happened to me at school or walking home but I knew they would respond oddly or with punishment to me or whatever.... all the bad stuff... that it was MY fault for all the stuff. So I remember learning very early on how to tell what happened in the day but with hiding it inside other stuff - other parts of the day. Slipping it into the conversation without risking the fallout. wow. Ok MASSIVE insight !! OMG! I think I should share this with T but it kinda blows my whole way of DOING communication wide open!!! He will know for sure what I am doing - uhhhh not that he doesn't already and is waiting for me to figure it out for myself maybe? hum... sneaky Ts... or if he don't know then I am even exposed that much further.

I think you just had a huge breakthrough, wepow!

[Sannah]

Very good work WePow!!