[geez]

I had a hard time sleeping last night in anticipation of what I wanted to talk to T about at my appt today and I'm not feeling great right now since my appt with T this morning. I feel like I have a 10lb weight on my chest that I wish would go away. I feel like giving up. I wasn't able to go to T last week for an appt so I felt a little bit disconnected today but T was happy to see me so it seemed and that felt good. We talked about some of what I stated in my earlier post (paying T to listen to me and wanting a safe-secure-close relationship outside the therapy room with others).

Right now I feel so alone. Some of what we talked about was the mother daughter relationship I have with my mom and what I want to do with that. T gave me some homework in that area a couple of weeks ago and I told her I tried to do it but I just didn't want to go there. In the mother daughter topic of conversation T talked about a care package she sent to her daughter who is in college. She talked about how her daughter called her to tell her she appreciated it and it sounds like T calls her daughter once a week or more. It hurt me inside to hear that. I mean I'm happy that she and her daughter have a close relationship however I wished that could be me. I wished I could be the girl that received phone calls or care packages or hugs from my mom - to have a mom that could show love. In many ways I wish my T were my mom (something I didn't share with T). Life is so not fair. I just hope my T doesn't pull the rug out from under me. I'm done soooo done.

Thank you for reading my rant.

[lynn P.]

((geez)) - sorry you feel alone but please know we're here to listen and comfort. I hope your appointment will go very well and there probably isn't anything you could surprise your therapist about. Good luck today.

[Sannah]

Geez, grieving is part of healing....

[googley]

((((((((Geez))))))))

(((((((((((Geez))))))))))))))))

The feelings that you're talking about were some of the hardest for me in therapy. Just realizing that there is this HUGE hole that should have been filled up with love when I was growing up, but that wasn't. So painful.

I'm sorry you feel alone right now.

Sending tons of

[granite1]

big hugs geez keep posting here if it helps i know it helps when i am feeling alone and all people here are amazing including you.sorry T is at such a hard point for you.

[geez]

Thank you all for posting. *Hugs* I sent my T a short email telling her I'm in despair about things we talked about today. I have to get the kids to bed and then I may call T. I feel like total s*&t right now. I don't how much longer I can tolerate feeling this way.

[SophiaFlying]

T is a horrible experience for me. Im really having a rough time. Personally, for you I dont think T should talk so much about herself and her way of doing things. I dont see that as supportive to u. I am angry with my T thou,so maybe Im being hard on yr T!!!!!!!! Im glad you have found so much support HERE. Best,

[geez]

Originally Posted by StacyMay

T is a horrible experience for me. Im really having a rough time. Personally, for you I dont think T should talk so much about herself and her way of doing things. I dont see that as supportive to u. I am angry with my T thou,so maybe Im being hard on yr T!!!!!!!! Im glad you have found so much support HERE. Best,

Thank you Stacy. T generally doesn't talk about herself or any of her personal life unless it pertains to a specific topic of discussion (I believe this is actually helpful as painful as it feels right now). She was coming from a good place and it's all about my feelings that have nothing to do with her. As for the anger you feel towards your T right now I hope you can come to a resolution. Perhaps talking with your T about what your feeling will help? thank you for listening.

[wing]

Not feeling as if I was raised by a loving mother has made me feel insecure and unlovable, too, geez. Identifying with your therapist as a mom can be helpful if there are healthy boundaries... you can pour out your heart to her and have her listen like the mom you would like to have.

[geez]

Originally Posted by wingin'it

you can pour out your heart to her and have her listen like the mom you would like to have.

Thank you for posting wingin'it. There are healthy boundries with T and your words brought tears to my eyes.

[SophiaFlying]

Im so jealous that you have such a great relationship with yr therapist!!! Mine is a older man who tapes big-print (big font) affirmations on the inside windows and windshield of his car so people can read them looking at his car from outside , I assume in the parking lot or his driveway?? anyway my boyfriend and I were looking at his car one day in the parking lot and reading all the affirmations...i dunno...he is a little weird and he doesnt really listen to me. he attributes everything to my childhood. i need skills like cbt and dbt and self esteem-self-confidence, homework...anyway..im off rambling about myself again.....yr lucky!! it is so hard to find a good fit with a therapist. mine is only one inthis town unless i want to drive an hour and its very hairy here in the winter....

[Sannah]

Originally Posted by StacyMay

he attributes everything to my childhood.

What is wrong with this?

[seventyeight]

hi geez, wanted to see how you were doing today - a little further out from your therapy session..

[geez]

Originally Posted by seventyeight

hi geez, wanted to see how you were doing today - a little further out from your therapy session..

Hi Seventyeight - thank you for asking.

I sent my T an email yesterday and I called her last night and left a message for her to call me. She called me back late last night. She figured I would be up late as she remembered i told her that I spend time in chat late at night (on PC of course). She said somethings that i 'get' but didn't want to hear. Right now I just need to honor/process this deep sadness I feel. I never allow my self to get here and I think throught T's help I've been able to give myself that freedom to feel the emotion I'm always denying. My T said that if I'm not feeling better in a couple of days for me to call her. I was experiencing some SI on my way home from my appt yesterday as the pain was so intense (not something I have shared with T at this point - It won't do anything but worry her).

This morning I shared with my husband what is going on and I feel supported even thought he can't offer much 'help' in a way.
I'm feeling sad but a little less alone thanks to ((everyone)) and thank you ((seventyeight)).

[seventyeight]

geez, no problem. i get that way too (or something similar) after therapy, and it feels like the bottom totally drops out as soon as i leave her office. glad to hear that your therapist is offering you support via phone in the meantime, and that you're talking to your husband as well. hang in there, you'll see her again soon, and eventually you'll get to a place of not feeling so sad..