[zooropa]

I have found myself really missing T today. This isn't really anything new. I think we were pretty connected when we last spoke on Tues afternoon, and I miss that. It's so hard for me to hold onto that connection, though. It's like I need almost constant reassurance that nothing has changed, that she feels the same, that we are still ok.

I guess I'm just frustrated with this stage my recovery. I want to not need T so much. I want to not think about her so much. I want to feel ok without having to touch base with her to make sure I'm okay.

At times like this I sometimes find myself fantasizing about creating a reason to call her. Not that I would DO it, but I sometimes imagine making up a whole scenario just so I could have a reason to be upset and call her. Somehow I don't feel like just wanting to call, just wanting to touch base, is good enough reason.

I also feel compelled to google her or something. I noticed that urge in myself just a few minutes ago, and it stopped me short. Why did I feel like I wanted to google her (again)? I think just to know she's out there. Just to, again, feel that connection.

Maybe I just want to know that other people have these kinds of thoughts, and hopefully even hear that it is a phase and it will pass.

[rainbow8]

Zoo, I could have written your post, word for word.
I don't want to need and want my T so much, either, but I do. I used to find reasons to call my former T, but with my current one I let myself email her after every session, and she's okay with that. I google her too. It's obsessive sometimes. I print her emails and read them over and over. I think it's because we want to feel the connection. It's a compulsion for me that I am trying to just accept though I feel like it's not normal.

Somehow I don't feel like just wanting to call, just wanting to touch base, is good enough reason

My former T always told me that she would rather I tell her I just wanted to hear her voice than "make up a reason" to call. I had trouble doing that, though. But most Ts accept that wanting to touch base IS a good enough reason to call or email. Do you know what your T thinks?

oops, I wish I could tell you that it is a phase and will pass. For me, it continues. Others may tell you that it gets better, I hope.

I do know that I can think about the connection with my T and not necessarily always feel the urge to contact her. Re-reading all of the emails she sent me, as well as her homepage online helps me feel connected. The only time it hurts rather then helps is if I go to Facebook and get upset that everything except one photo is private. She's pretty open about her personal life, though, and in the 5 months I've been with her, I know her kids' and family members' names and where they go to school. It helps me to know about her. Posting about her like right now helps me keep the connection too. Anyway, you are NOT alone!!

[krazibean]

are we the same person?

I could have written this word for word as well. I agree with rainbow, calling just to touch base is a good enough reason. I believe that so it makes it easier for me to call when i need to. Although, it is a good idea to still think about what it is you need from the call. is there something you need her to say? is there something you need to be reassured of? sometimes all i need to here my T say is that it's ok to call her if i need to and that she's around. I think it does get better, and wanting it is a good first step. I'd talk about it with your T, and also talking about how you feel like you need a reason to call. Maybe she will be able to reassure you that if you just need to connect, that's ok.

[rartemis]

Once my therapist told me that the therapist acts as a parent. We look to our therapists' as parents at some level. I know I have at points in my time with her. She has also helped me to 'grow up' and be independent of her. One time she called herself a 'rent-a-friend'.

I still rely on her at times, but she has helped find it in myself to connect with others in the community.

What your feeling seems to me to be part of the process. I am glad you have a good client/therapist relationship with her. In time, what you learn from her may help you form other relationships in the community and in your personal life.

Hope this makes sense.

[MortalCoil]

Zaroopa,

I can definitely understand where you're coming from. Feeling connected to T is such a great thing - it's bliss, really - in my experience anyway. I'm guilty of googling my own therapist though that's of course not a terrible thing to do (as long as we're not following them like a puppy). It's all public information.

It's hard for me to say what's in store for you later in therapy. It has taken a couple months for me to get over (not completely) my former therapist who I miss - but in my case of course, I won't be seeing her again. (So actually, I'm kind of jealous of you ) I've lost plenty of sleep in those months wondering if I should email her to let her know I'm okay - and to use the email in hopes that she will still assert her concern/pride/empathy as if she were still my T.

Have you mentioned about ther her about this urge to touch base? I would think the more she knows about this the more she can help you.

Wish you the best,
+Jeff

[zooropa]

I don't know if it ever occurred to me to call her "just because".
I'm pretty sure she'd rather me do that than to create a reason to call. I think I could call her and say I just wanted to know you are still there. It seems a little risky to me, but not much. I think she would be receptive to that.

It's been kind of a rocky journey my T and I have been on as far as phone calls. I know she's trying harder to be available when she says she will be. Being available by phone is an important part of DBT.

Anyway, as we have worked through various problems related to phone calls, she has changed the way she talks about it with me. She used to say "call me as needed". She now always says "call me if you want to". Not need to, want to. I shared with her once that I was spending a lot of time trying to figure out whether to call her or not, and she said "I can make that easier for you. If you think about calling, call."

Another way she has changed is that she tells me at the end of every session, call me if you want to. I told her once that I needed to hear that, and she remembers now at the end of almost every session. It does help me not feel so sad and lost as I'm leaving.

I thank you for your replies. I might call her tomorrow, just because. I think if I abused that and called her all the time, it would get old for her, but once in a while it's probably ok. I hope.

[rartemis]

It is ok. And if it isn't then she needs to set the boundaries around the calls and tell you what she would prefer. But definitely take her at her word. Doesn't sound like your going overboard with it at all.

Take care

[Sannah]

I do hope that you are accepting this about yourself Zoo. It makes it much easier accepting how we feel instead of putting "fighting it" on top of how we feel. You feel this way for many good reasons and you will work through it.

[Melbadaze]

Originally Posted by zooropa

I have found myself really missing T today. This isn't really anything new. I think we were pretty connected when we last spoke on Tues afternoon, and I miss that. It's so hard for me to hold onto that connection, though. It's like I need almost constant reassurance that nothing has changed, that she feels the same, that we are still ok.

I guess I'm just frustrated with this stage my recovery. I want to not need T so much. I want to not think about her so much. I want to feel ok without having to touch base with her to make sure I'm okay.

At times like this I sometimes find myself fantasizing about creating a reason to call her. Not that I would DO it, but I sometimes imagine making up a whole scenario just so I could have a reason to be upset and call her. Somehow I don't feel like just wanting to call, just wanting to touch base, is good enough reason.

I also feel compelled to google her or something. I noticed that urge in myself just a few minutes ago, and it stopped me short. Why did I feel like I wanted to google her (again)? I think just to know she's out there. Just to, again, feel that connection.

Maybe I just want to know that other people have these kinds of thoughts, and hopefully even hear that it is a phase and it will pass.

Theres a part of some of us that come into therapy that need to learn anew what it is to have someone that we can count on, to feel what it feels like to have someone that has and does care about us, who we are, and no matter how old our body, its our mind that knows where to start to begin to learn this adn for some like myself it takes having to obsess about someone because I was at first unable to take for granted they were there even when not physically there and constantly thinking about them is a stage before internalisation, we have to think about something to make it "ours", and the wanting to be comforted and picked up feels at first like an urgent need to just contact them, and thats good and health,y it means we trust that person to be the one that will "Hold" us, soothe that crying part within. Its the first steps to trusting someone and knowing that someone will hear us, and being able to keep hold of that person is good, not a bad thing, if we forgot appointments or never thought about T between sessions, well, it wouldnt be such a good "holding", its because we know there safe and trustworthy that we can think and feel all these things about them, and though all these feelings make us feel like the "thief in the night", we're not, its all as it should be, considering where we have been.

[granite1]

zoo from what you have said about your t in the past i bet she would be totally ok with calling just to be sure she is still thare and you wanted to know that.i bet it would turn out to be a wonderfull interaction.

zoo,

I feel like I could have written your entire post as well. I feel the same way.

[zooropa]

I guess it's good to know I'm not alone in feeling the way I do.

I called my T this morning, I have a lot of trouble with anxiety and that keeps me housebound a lot. I needed to do an errand this morning, though, so I called T for some support around that. It was good to talk to her. She told me to call her back after my errand to let her know how it goes. It's so nice to feel that connection and know it's still there. She's still there. I'll see her on Monday.

[WePow]

Zoo... since your T said to call if you think about calling, then that is your perscription for healing. Your T is not saying that just because. A T has reasons for doing what they do and saying what they say. I know you want to be in charge of you for thinking about when to call and when not to call.... but there are deeper reasons your T said what she did. It is not just a suggestion to you... it is your therapy directions. :-)