T's on T's

This probably does not belong here, but:

have any of your T's ever talked about other T's? I don't mean personally, just talking about T's in general, how they feel about other T's, how they distinguish between other T's, how to evaluate a T? Do they all claim that all T's are good, or what? (I don't want to hear about "fit" between client and T; I want to hear if anyone ever distinguishes between really outstanding T's and others.)

My T has definitely talked about the fact that there are bad therapists out there. He's also talked about where he did his internship, and the good therapists there. I asked him once if anything ever happened to him, who should I see for therapy, and he listed all of the people at the place he did his internship

He's talked about his own therapist, who he obviously sees as good.

But, yeah, I know for a fact that my T believes there are great therapists, horrible therapists, and everything in between. And that sometimes it's a matter of "fit" and sometimes the therapist is just inept.

I remember really early - like in the first month - in my therapy, my T said to me "I'm a really good therapist". And I was like "WOW, this guy is soooooo conceited!" lol And he IS a really good therapist. I think about that sometimes now

And how is the client to find the "great" ones?

THAT I don't know. I had already found him, so we've never talked about it.

I read some T's descriptions, called a couple and talked to them, and followed my intuition. And I think I got really, really lucky.

(((((((((((((pachy))))))))))))

Patchy, I'm interested in why you poise this question?

Yes, we have talked about other therapists and approaches they might take compared to approaches my T might take. Also, my T gave me a referral for another T for family therapy with my D, and talked a bit about the people he was providing referrals for--their strengths, why they might be a good fit, etc. For example, he recommended the FT we did choose because he is somewhat shy and reserved and T thought he would be a good fit for my D--not too overwhelming. While doing the family therapy, occasionally my T and I would talk about how it was going or a problem happening in my family and how the FT was addressing it, etc. My T has said a couple of times that he wouldn't have handled that in that way or that he is "more skilled" than that (without really putting the other guy down). I know my T thinks highly of his abilities in a way that is not bragging. He also seemed very moved when I reminded him of the time my D--who is very closed and won't show feelings to anyone--came to see him with our whole family, and he said one thing to her and she opened up and let her sadness come out in tears. That always struck me as amazing that T could do that, and he seemed so moved when I reminded him of this, that I know it is an ability/skill he values highly and liked having me essentially tell him that he has it. (My words were immensely gratifying to him.)

My XH had a serious romantic relationship with a therapist who tried a number of things to push us apart. My XH and I are deeply committed to amicably co-parenting our children, due in part to my T's efforts (he was our couples T also), and the T-girlfriend was jealous of our relationship. She felt we were too close for divorced spouses and said that was dysfunctional. I talked to my T about that, and he referred to her as an "old school" therapist, and says there are a lot of them still out there. Even though he is older than she is, he clearly considers himself beyond "old school" and more up to date on current knowledge of what is effective and healing in couples and family therapy. So that was VERY interesting to me. If I ever had to have couples therapy again, I would want to identify if the T was "old school" or not and avoid those that were. (Some people might like the old school approach. Different strokes....)

My T has a strong humanist influence and has said that in comparison to a number of Ts (in this vein, I assume), he is somewhat directive. I don't see him as directive at all, so this was interesting to me. But compared to a pure Carl Rogers type therapist, he would be considered directive. I told T he didn't seem directive to me, and he seemed really pleased by this. (Like maybe he tries to be directive without the client knowing it, LOL.)

T has also said he believes very strongly in healing and that is his main goal and he seeks to do it quickly. He says some therapists will do talk therapy for years, which can be slow going, and he wants to provide the client with as quick relief from their pain as he can. That is why he likes to learn and use "fast" techniques, such as EMDR, psychodrama, lifespan integration, ego state therapy, etc. He thinks these get at trauma issues more quickly than classic talk therapy. So this approach would contrast him to a more insight-oriented, longterm therapy, psychodynamic T, I believe. And also to a CBT therapist, who is often focused on symptoms rather than healing.

He has also said to me that there are better therapists out there than he is.

That's funny. It reminds me of my very first session with T. He pronounced, "I'm not a therapist, I'm a healer." Well, okey dokey. That just struck me as so ballsy, like this guy sure thinks highly of himself.... Actually it drew me to him too, because I had so little confidence I could be helped, that I needed to have the T have a lot of confidence in himself.

For me, having searched for a family T, a PNP, a child specialist for my divorce, and a T for my daughter, the most helpful thing in finding good ones (maybe not great, but good) was to get referrals from a T who was good and that I trusted (my T). He wouldn't send me to someone who was bad or incompetent. So I think referrals can be really helpful, whether from another T or someone else you trust and who is knowledgeable. Of course, if you have no one in that category, it can be hard... I remember someone on PT once contacted a T on the phone, liked the discussion, but couldn't see that T because of insurance, and asked that T for a referral to someone like them, and got directed to someone who was good. So maybe that's another way....

Also, if you have a T who is not so great or not a good fit, you could identify that early on, and then ask that T for a referral to someone who was more along the lines of what you needed. Maybe they wouldn't know anyone (not great Ts associate with other not great Ts?) but it could be worth asking.

You always get right to the heart of the matter, don't you?

I am not sure I can answer this at the moment. I seem to be heading into one of my periodic very low points, and cannot see any way out. I make progress but it is never stable. Tired.

you know me.

((((((((((((((((((((( pachyderm )))))))))))))))))))))))

it's a good thing, to have someone on your side; I realized very recently that that is what T is for me. When I can't see the way out, I find that she's still clearsighted.

She has a T and it impresses me when now and then she says she'd go back and see her in a heartbeat, if she needed to; there is a reliance and a confidence there that is striking to me.

Before I came to therapy I neve knew there could be such a resource of strength and wisdom. Now that I know, I can't believe I never knew it if that makes sense.
How do you know it's the right one - look around at the stories you hear on PC - the methods are many, and the search may take more than one try, but in the end is worth it. The strongest of us is not all that strong, Pachy. (((((((((((((((( Pachy )))))))))))))) let us know how you go.

I can't recall my therapist ever speaking negatively about another therapist. She did give me some referrals for couples therapy, but only said a little about each of the people (e.g., "He's wonderful..." etc.).

I'm sorry to hear you're heading into a low point, pachy.

For me it was trial and error. Which is scary.

I think it really helps to have people to talk to about therapy, kind of like a 'checks and balances'. (This forum, obviously, is great for doing that.)

That is how I knew I needed to quit with my first T who wasn't so great and beginning to blur the boundaries - someone I met online (before I found this place) clued me in that there were things that weren't right.

Feel better soon, Pachyderm.

My therapist once badmouthed a therapist we both knew (and yes, she had a reputation as a real harpy) but he quickly apologized and said that it was "unkind" for him to say anything, especially to a patient.

Hard for me to think about this without "fit issues" because I once had a brilliant therapist with a great reputation who was tempermentally wrong for me.

However, it might be helpful to know your therapist's "school of therapy". Some styles are better for some than others. Oops, sorry-a fit issue!!!