I think it went okay. It probably went well.

I asked what would happen if he were ever angry at me. He said
"I'm not angry"...and I said, well what if you GET angry? He said "I'm not going to get angry" and I was like "WHAT IF YOU DO though??" So, he told me that if was ever angry, we would talk about it, and he would be respectful and adult, and that I wouldn't be punished or shamed.

So, I told him that I was REALLY scared and ashamed to tell him something. We talked about that for a while and he said that maybe we could talk about the shame without talking about the actual event if it was too hard. I knew that wouldn't work for this so I didn't know what to say.

I told him I had crossed one of his boundaries. His expression didn't change at all - he just sat there calmly, listening. I started crying, and said I wish I didn't do it, and that I was so sorry. He said (so gently) that he could tell I was really sorry. I hated that I was crying. But he didn't seem angry.

It was so so so so hard to tell him what I did. I was shaking and I felt like my head was just going to split open. I had the words in my head but I just couldn't SAY them. I finally just did it. I just opened my mouth and told him most of the story of finding his house online and looking at it. Ugh.

He immediately asked me how it felt now that I had told. I asked how HE felt knowing what I did, and he said he wanted to talk about me first. I was embarrassed and crying, and he said "tell me about your tears" but I couldn't. We talked for a long time about how I felt...icky and gross and like I knew too much. Guilty and scared. Ashamed and embarrassed. All of it.

When I was really little I knew too much. WAY too much. I saw and experienced stuff that you're not supposed to see and experience. T said this made him think of that - the icky, gross, scary feeling of knowing too much. I cried some more because he was being so nice, and because he knows me so well, and because I love him.

There is A LOT to process - little kid stuff, "now" stuff. I told him it was all swirling around in my head and it felt overwhelming. I felt SO guilty that he was the one helping me. I told him I needed therapy about my therapy and he laughed.

Anyhow, I asked him to tell me how HE felt. And he said that the first thought he had was "how'd you like the house?". He told me why they're moving, and what area they want to move to. He said he's not angry. I said I was afraid he'd be angry later, and he said he was 98% sure he wouldn't be, and if he was, he would tell me, for sure.

On the way home, I thought about the fact that I hadn't told him how wide open his wife's FB page is. I debated with myself about whether or not to do it (because I hadn't mentioned his wife's FB page in session at all), and I finally called and told him. I'm guessing she just doesn't KNOW, and it feels unsafe to me. Not that it's my business, but oh well. I told him.

I guess those are the highlights. It was a hard session, but T was SO gentle and understanding. I still feel kind of shaken up and uneasy (especially because now maybe he'll be mad that I looked at his wife's FB page, ugh), but I think maybe it's going to be okay. I think so.

I see him tomorrow at 9.

I just remembered that I said I felt like I had made him my "victim". And he wondered out loud what it would feel like if the people who made me a victim came to me and apologized and said they were embarrassed and ashamed about what they had done, and had just valued me enough to be open with me and to ask for my forgiveness. While he was talking he was talking in the "I"...like what if your abusers said "I'm sorry. I feel so ashamed and embarrassed, etc. etc. etc". Nothing felt real while he was saying it. It was like being in a dream.

[seventyeight]

treehouse! that's great!! i'm so proud of you!!! (i feel like i was holding my breath waiting to hear how it went!)

it sounds like a really great session, and i think you handled everything well and so did he. i'd like to think you're even closer for having gone through all this. but the effects will probably take time. like this will be one of those things you look back on, and say "hey remember when that happened?!" it's funny because i forget which post it was, but someone predicted that his first thought would be "so how'd you like the house?" i think that's funny that that was his reaction. that's a great indication that he's really comfortable with you. and i'm glad you see him tomorrow too.

now you should be able to go and enjoy your vacation.. you deserve it for all your hard work!

[geez]

Wow that was hard for you but you did it! ((treehouse))

[googley]

((((((Tree)))))))

I'm glad you were able to talk to your T about this. I'm glad he was gentle and was not upset. I hope you two take time to discuss how this has brought up so much other stuff for you. We are here for you. Any time you need us.

[zooropa]

wow, tree. I can really tell how hard that was for you. I think I was holding my breath the whole time I read that, actually. And now I can take a breath. You are so brave, tree. Your T is so wise. You will work through this. I'm so glad you see him again tomorrow, so you can go into your vacation with your head and heart clear.

[WePow]

((((((( Tree ))))))) I am SO PROUD of you !!! WOW!!!! Not only did you move through it... but you learned some deep things about how YOU process stuff and why. You are so awesome!!!!!! Thank you TONS for sharing this as it really helps me out to see how you did this.

T didn't leave my message. I bet he's mad that I looked at his wife's FB page. I wish so much I could undo ALL of this

[seventyeight]

well he must have some idea that you had looked at it because how else would you have seen the house, right?

[growlycat]

TreeHouse! I think being curious about your T and his life is normal!

I too crossed a boundary by looking my T up but in FB--Although I could see what friends and family he was connected to he was pretty good about locking down his "wall". Um, his kids weren't so careful. I am happy you told your T, I haven't yet. I probably should. In the 20 plus years I've seen him he has never uttered his children's names, although he has mentioned them briefly.

I think I know why---reading about his kids makes me jealous. I want him to myself. I hate that he will never love me like he loves them. I don't have many triggers anymore but I guess this is one.

[BlackCanary]

wow, the whole reason why it is so icky to know, knowing stuff when you aren't supposed to know....
The things that the bad people did
So that now an innocent, safe thing to know about a caring T becomes a bad thing to know.

Oh my gosh, you guys.

I *know* T. The fact that he hasn't called or e-mailed means that he CAN'T. Because he won't leave a message if he can't be authentic. And I know he's mad, or at least trying to figure out if he's mad. I am sure of it.

I know we'll work it out. Maybe. Today before I told him what I did, just that I had crossed a boundary, he said that what he would have a really hard time with was if it involved his family. And looking at his wife's FB page involves his family.

I want to defend myself. I want to point out that I didn't show up at his house, I didn't follow his wife to work, I didn't call on the phone...I just looked at her public FB profile. You know?

And this really immature part of me wants to point out that when he had to cancel a session because he was hurt, he had HIS WIFE e-mail me, to my e-mail address, which is my full name. So. I never said anything to him about it (and I won't now) but that feels like a boundary crossing - or a breach of confidentiality or whatever - to me

But. Mainly I am just soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo sad. I can't even tell you.

[googley]

(((((((((Tree))))))))

You will see him tomorrow. Remember to breath.

[zooropa]

tree, I agree with 78, he must have some idea that you looked at her page, or how else did you explain seeing the house listing? I think seeing the house involved his family, too, and he didn't freak out about that. I'm also thinking of the other times he hasn't left a message. You're right, it's because he can't. But that doesn't mean the 'can't' is because of you. It could be a lot of other things.

I'm not sure I'm helping. I'm sorry. I just want you to feel better.

I think he was confused about how I knew. He asked at one point "did I tell you I was moving?".

Maybe he thinks I drove past his house and saw the sign?

I really don't think he knew. Now he knows. I hate myself.

It will be ok. It will. Don't hate yourself.

[rainbow8]

Tree, try not to worry. It will be okay.

[deliquesce]

Originally Posted by treehouse

I *know* T. The fact that he hasn't called or e-mailed means that he CAN'T. Because he won't leave a message if he can't be authentic. And I know he's mad, or at least trying to figure out if he's mad. I am sure of it.

T can be authentic with you and tell you that he is mad. T has already promised he would tell you, so this is not a reason for him to not leave a message. i know T is usually very good with leaving messages for you, but i also know that there have been times when he hasn't left one, and you have assumed it has something to do with you personally, and that assumption has turned out to be false.

dear tree, just try to breathe. you will figure things out with T tomorrow at the latest. for the moment, just focus on now.

[WePow]

Sending positive thoughts for you today!!!!

(((((((((PC)))))))))))

I know he hasn't called in the past for whatever reason. I guess this just feels scary because of what we're in the middle of. I feel SICK.

My biggest fear is that he'll teminate me. That I'll walk out of there today and it will be the last time. I honestly don't know if I could go on...I think I'd have to drive straight to the hospital. After all of these years of building up trust and attachment, you know? That probably won't happen. But what if it does?

I feel like we'll work through it, as long as he lets me keep coming. He's done things that made me angry before, and I've ALWAYS forgiven him. I hope he will forgive me.

Ugh, session in an hour.

[googley]

Thinking of you

[sittingatwatersedge]

((((((((((((((((((((((((((( tree ))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

I am so glad you get to see him today before this grows any bigger in your mind.
look here:
You didn't HAVE to tell him anything, but you told him because you wanted honesty between you.
He knows you sincerely regret what you did.
You didn't intentionally leave out the FB part, you truly forgot to mention it; there is a big difference.
And when you did remember it, you told him about that too; not because you HAD to, but because you wanted honesty between you.
breathe... we will breathe with you

[WePow]

Been thinking of you!!!!

[rainbow8]

I'll be thinking of you today too, tree.

You guys are so great. It helps SO much to read what you write. Just knowing I'm not ALONE with it and someone "gets" it, you know?

So, I went to therapy. T asked how I was doing. I said I was tired (I didn't sleep much last night) and really scared. He said he's not angry. I asked him why he didn't leave a message, and he said that he thought I said to leave a message if he was angry, and he wasn't angry, so he didn't leave one. I BURST into tears - like big, sobbing, little kid tears - and hid my face in the pillow and cried. And cried and cried.

We talked some about what it all brought up for me...the old stuff of "knowing too much" (ugh) and current stuff. I told him that I feel OVERWHELMED by how much I don't know about how to be an adult. People always think I'm WAY younger than I am, and I know part of it is that I'm small and look young, but I think part of it is not knowing how to be an adult. We talked about that a little. He said that we had so CLEARLY turned the page in therapy, that there was this obvious break between the first couple of years of therapy and now...and we talked about the foundation I had built with all of the work we did. And I know that's true, but I told him it kind of feels like I JUST walked in the door and said "I need help with some situations in my life"..like we're starting over, almost. Although the trust and attachment is there and that's huge.

ANYHOW, back to what I told him. He said that every time we have a rupture, or go through something hard between us together, that he feels that we come out of it with a stronger, more intimate relationship. He said that's how this feels. And he said that if anything, he trusts me MORE than he did before, because he could see how I felt about crossing the boundary. He also said that to HIM, it wasn't really crossing a boundary, but another therapist might feel differently.

I asked him to sit with me at the end and he held my hand. I just sat there and soaked up the safety and the quiet and the connection for a while, and then he told me a funny story about a group he's in. It was good.

I feel like everything inside has been in SUCH an upheaval and it will take a little time for it to quiet back down. I'm trying really hard to not listen to the "I'm stupid" loop that's playing over and over in my head. I'm trying to be as okay with myself as T is with me. It's not easy.

THANK YOU for helping me through this. I don't know how I would have made it through it without PC