[mixedup_emotions]

As you know, I've been struggling with this whole situation with my T....and one of the things I expressed in my email to T about when he did what I perceived as threatening termination if I didn't do what he felt was in my best interest....it was as if I heard, "Do as I say or I will hurt you!"....

So, now, all of a sudden, I'm getting major flashbacks of past events that fell along the same line of events....anger being expressed towards me, manipulation into doing what he wanted, me being cooperative, and in return, being spared further mistreatment....

And I'm able to identify the same sick-to-my-stomach, fear-induced feeling....

Even though I am still unhappy with T's approach and how he handled things, I now may be on my way to having a better understanding of why I felt the way I did in such an extreme way....

I may bring this up with T tomorrow, if we are able to get that far....but I'm afraid of leaving there with wounds open wide - and then leaving on vacation with family in that state.

What timing!

((((((((((MUE)))))))))))

Twice, I've had my biggest a-ha moments/disclosures in therapy in the session before a vacation. I don't know why it happens that way sometimes. Maybe there is safety in telling and then leaving? Sort of one of those "doorknob confession" things?

The first time it happened, I left for the beach the next day. Honestly, it did affect my vacation a little bit...but at the same time, I was able to distract myself because I wasn't home, in my normal routine.

I don't think there is ANY good time for those a-ha moments/disclosures. It's always going to be hard. For me, it's really important for me to tell, no matter what's going on in my life. If I put it off, it's easy for me to push everything back down and I'm stuck with it that much longer.

Your "a-ha" makes so much sense, and sounds right on. I bet T will be proud of you for having so much insight

[mixedup_emotions]

Thanks, Tree.....(((( HUGS ))))

You know, I told T a lot of things about my past, multiple CSA, my ex's abusiveness, my parents being physically abusive, etc....but that was very, very early on in therapy when it was more matter-of-fact-like....But now that I am getting more in tune with my feelings, it feels SO SO SO different...and AWFUL...and SICK....

Blech.

[JustWannaDisappear]

((((((((((((((MUE)))))))))))))))))

I just had this today too, and go figure my T is on vacation next week.

[mixedup_emotions]

Originally Posted by JustWannaDisappear

((((((((((((((MUE)))))))))))))))))

I just had this today too, and go figure my T is on vacation next week.

What a coincidence....and not in a good way.

I am hoping that whatever happens tomorrow, even if I feel awful, that I will be able to not let it affect my vacation. My daughter and I are going away with my sisters family - and I would be mortified if I ended up having a meltdown with them. My sister is not the most understanding person, is quite dismissive and judgmental - and there's so much that she just doesn't know.....

[mixedup_emotions]

UGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Why can't I put it away now? I need to get some sleep.....I haven't slept well for days...and I have a full day ahead of me, with work, T, PT, packing, finishing up stuff around the house - and then hitting the road tomorrow night.

I DON'T HAVE TIME FOR THIS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Why is it that intellectually, I can say - this can wait. Put it away for now and take it out when you need to address it....

But my body is not letting that happen. AAARGH!!!!!!!!!!!!

[zooropa]

MUE, I wish it was easier to put stuff away.

I think it's a great insight you have had about why Ts behavior was so triggering for you. I hope you are able to address it with him tomorrow and get it to a place where you can leave it for during your vacation. Maybe you should talk about it right away at the beginning so you don't run out of time or have to leave with it still wide open?

[rainbow8]

I hope you're sleeping by now, and that you have a peaceful night. Good luck tomorrow with your session. Whatever happens, I hope you can end on a good note so that you can enjoy your vacation!

[mixedup_emotions]

Thanks, zoo and Rainbow....

I didn't sleep much or very well last night, but when I did get up this morning, I was frozen. I am frozen. I don't want to see T, and my appointment is less than an hour away. But I am going. T usually lets me start off the session, but I am soooooo frozen right now - totally shut down. And I feel sick. Ugh.

[Perna]

Hope it goes okay, MUE! This of us all here with you!

[mixedup_emotions]

Back from T....

It went ok....We talked a little bit about my email, and T recognized that what I was trying to do was re-establish contact with him and instead I got fear of separation....so he understood better what I was going through.

He then delved into my relationship with my friend, trying to get me to see that she is unhealthy for me and that I need to start distancing myself from unhealthy relationships, just like I have with my ex-husband.

We then got into the realization....and I could barely touch it....I kept disassociating, and T was trying to get me to understand that I don't need to relive it - and he was trying to get me to maintain contact with him, telling me to look at him - which I did, but would lose contact often....UGH.

He then pushed to understand what I need in order to get to a place of peace with what happened. I became so frustrated because I don't know!!!

I told him that I am tip-toeing around it - and he said that it's a start, now being at the surface....and he was concerned with me being away for a couple weeks, asking what we are going to do with it. He wanted to know if I was willing to make this the first thing we talk about at my next session, and I agreed.

Tough session....

[Kiya]

yep - here with you!

[pachyderm]

This may have little to do with the thread, but... I find the image of being slapped in the face to be not very conducive to learning anything good.

[Sannah]

Good insight MUE that you were being triggered.