[googley]

I'm angry!

I thought today would be a better session because it was clear that we were going to talk about what made me so angry last time and deal with that. The beginning was okay when I was able to tell her why I was so angry and why it was so hard to deal with. But then near the end it went down hill again. She made a comment about my anger which I can see to be true, but then she continued on. She said that when I first came in to see her I was really angry. (No s*** sherlock- you think I didn't notice that, well obviously she doesn't. Not only was I angry when I came in I was furious.)

She said that I had trouble trusting people. I thought I made that clear when I started seeing her that the likelihood that I was going to be able to trust her in 12 sessions was very very slim. I thought I did a really good job given the limited time span. She suggested (since I have only 2 sessions left) that it would probably be best for me to go back to see my old T if I can because then I don't have to work on trusting someone new. (You don't say).

Along with these I felt like she left me alone with my urges to use bad coping mechanisms. She probably didn't want to bring attention to them, but I would have liked if she had asked more. Instead of just leaving me hanging when I said I was having urges to use them and not responding to the comment at all. It feels like she doesn't even want to know and there is no one else I can talk to about it. It makes me feel so lonely and uncared about. Like my pain doesn't matter.

[rainbow8]

Oh, googley. I'm so sorry. It hurts to read your post. Doesn't this t know you can't go back to your old t? Or can you somehow do that? I'm sorry she hasn't been more helpful to you.

[Amazonmom]

I am so sorry that your T is not paying much attention to your agenda for therapy. Your T just doesn't seem able to attend to your needs. Is it possible that the T doesn't know how to help you with your goals and is substituting hers instead?

Bad therapy or therapy that is a bad fit makes depression so much worse.

[WePow]

(((((((( Googley )))))))))) I am so sorry that this is not helping you right now. I sure do wish you could get the right match and just be able to slowly build that trust you need to discover but in a safe way without the way life can disrupt it. For those with trauma, the trust issue is one of the most challenging things to work on in life. Very big and safe hugs to you!!!

Originally Posted by googley

It makes me feel so lonely and uncared about. Like my pain doesn't matter.

((((((((((googley))))))))))))

It is SO hard to feel alone with ourselves when we're going through such hard stuff I care about you very much (even though I'm just someone out here in cyberspace), and your pain DOES matter.

I know it's hard to get much of what you need here, but I hope you will know that we are here to listen, and that you really, truly do matter.

[googley]

Originally Posted by treehouse

((((((((((googley))))))))))))

It is SO hard to feel alone with ourselves when we're going through such hard stuff I care about you very much (even though I'm just someone out here in cyberspace), and your pain DOES matter.

I know it's hard to get much of what you need here, but I hope you will know that we are here to listen, and that you really, truly do matter.

It wasn't that I feel uncared about here. But I didn't feel like my T cared. I know you all care. And that means a lot. But sometimes I just need someone who cares that I can tell all the awful stuff to. That I can tell that awful stuff to and they will still care about me. And while you are all wonderful, some of the stuff is just too bad to share here. I need someone who cares about me in a way that my parents didn't. And the only place I can get that right now is from my T.

With the short amount of time that I was going to be able to see her, I don't know that I was ever going to be able to trust her and feel cared about.

[Sannah]

Maybe her skills aren't so good?

[googley]

Originally Posted by Sannah

Maybe her skills aren't so good?

That is what my friend suggested. She said that maybe the T is too used to working with students who were homesick and didn't understand what she was getting herself into. I don't think she realized that I dissociated during session. Apparently I told her at one point there were things I was feeling that I wasn't going to tell her. I told her that I didn't remember saying that (but that I wasn't questioning the fact that I said it,) and she didn't respond to my comment at all. I just really needed a good T this summer and it didn't happen. She wanted more than I could give her in the trust department. Then when she got offended when I got angry at her it made me scared and I retreated. That made her angry and even more offended. Which just made me more scared. I don't think she is used to clients being angry at her. I'm just glad it is almost over.

I knew by the third session that it wasn't going to be a good match, but I stayed anyway. That is my fault. I should have asked to switch to a different T but I didn't want to "loose" the three sessions that I had already had so I didn't switch. I wont do that again.

[Sannah]

Originally Posted by googley

Then when she got offended when I got angry at her it made me scared and I retreated. That made her angry and even more offended. Which just made me more scared. I don't think she is used to clients being angry at her.

This sounds like a good assessment. I can see how a therapist at a school would be like this and wouldn't have the skills for anger.

[sanityseeker]

I am sorry this didn't work out like you had hoped. I know that feeling when you say something hard to say and no comment comes back. Stab me instead! Don't they get it? We are hypersensitive to everything. Including silence. Geesh!

It sounds like you learned a valuable lesson from the experience just the same. Your next T will be a better fit. Try to find a few gains you made over the summer and let go of the rest.

I hope your last few sessions can be more positive and useful. I hope so. Take care.