[pinkpony]

hello all...ive been in psychotherapy for a little over a month...its been going well and im starting to feel better (its pretty slow but that was expected), but there are some things im not really sure of...i haven't done this before and i dont know others who have so im posting here...i go to therapy 3-5 days a week. im happy with it & i like my therapist but my parents (who are the ones paying!) are starting to ask me if its really all that necessary. it IS helping but i feel bad abt my parents, soo...not sure if i should reduce the number of days i go, how much of a difference that would make, etc. im not comfortable discussing finances with anyone in real life especially not the person involved so im sorta reluctant to bring it up with my therapist. any advice would be appreciated!

[granite1]

i only go once a week.i know some may go twice but i have never heard og 5 days a week.in the end it is what you and you T feel is good for you and helpfull.maybe discuss it with him in terms of just wanting to know if you need to go so much leave the finances part out of it

[Perna]

Hi, pinkpony. I don't know how old you are or if you live with your parents, go to school or have a job or what your circumstances are. I don't know if your parents give you money and you pay your therapist or if they and your therapist made an arrangement about the cost?

If it is helping you, that is what both you and your parents want; I would keep with what is working. I would let your parents know, in no uncertain terms, that it is helping you and I would try to verbalize for them, a few examples of how it is helping you.

I presume your therapist knows whether you are paying the bills or your parents are helping you pay the bills? I know how squeamish talking to one's therapist is about money but maybe you can approach it along the lines of your actual problem, which is how you feel about your parents difficulties paying? It is possible the therapist could offer a lower rate and/or suggest that fewer sessions a week would be okay for you or could give an idea of how much longer at this many sessions might help you, etc. Wrap your head around the idea that it's all "information" you are looking for, and semi-pretend it doesn't have anything to do with you, personally (other than it might, in fact, be a good idea to talk about how you feel about your parent's and your predicament, where you need help and they are paying). Remember that the therapist has probably had a lot of different scenarios and clients with different money situations so will be rather matter-of-fact discussing it with you which might make it more comfortable for you too.

I went twice a week in a back-to-back session (100 minutes all together) which was very helpful to me. Maybe you would like to experiment with different modes and see if one worked as well as what you're doing now? It's very nice to have a "chunk" of time to work in instead of having it split up, for me at least. If you see your therapist 5 times a week, ask if you can see them in two, two-session-at-a-time sessions (which would get you down to 4 times a week).

It's very individual how often one sees the therapist and depends on your time, the therapists time and orientation (if you are in psychoanalysis, it probably should stay 3-5 times a week but your therapist should/have explain/ed that to you and why you are seeing them so often.

I would be a chicken and approach talking to my therapist by saying something like, "My parents are having a bit of difficulty with the amount of money they are helping me with by paying for my therapy." Then I'd ask about whether there's a chance of reduced fees or a different way to set up the hours so they're as productive but fewer hours, etc.

[pinkpony]

Originally Posted by granite1

i only go once a week.i know some may go twice but i have never heard og 5 days a week.in the end it is what you and you T feel is good for you and helpfull.maybe discuss it with him in terms of just wanting to know if you need to go so much leave the finances part out of it

thanks granite! that is good advice and i think thats what i'll do- ask if i need to go so much without bringing up finances

[pinkpony]

Originally Posted by Perna

Hi, pinkpony. I don't know how old you are or if you live with your parents, go to school or have a job or what your circumstances are. I don't know if your parents give you money and you pay your therapist or if they and your therapist made an arrangement about the cost?

If it is helping you, that is what both you and your parents want; I would keep with what is working. I would let your parents know, in no uncertain terms, that it is helping you and I would try to verbalize for them, a few examples of how it is helping you.

I presume your therapist knows whether you are paying the bills or your parents are helping you pay the bills? I know how squeamish talking to one's therapist is about money but maybe you can approach it along the lines of your actual problem, which is how you feel about your parents difficulties paying? It is possible the therapist could offer a lower rate and/or suggest that fewer sessions a week would be okay for you or could give an idea of how much longer at this many sessions might help you, etc. Wrap your head around the idea that it's all "information" you are looking for, and semi-pretend it doesn't have anything to do with you, personally (other than it might, in fact, be a good idea to talk about how you feel about your parent's and your predicament, where you need help and they are paying). Remember that the therapist has probably had a lot of different scenarios and clients with different money situations so will be rather matter-of-fact discussing it with you which might make it more comfortable for you too.

I went twice a week in a back-to-back session (100 minutes all together) which was very helpful to me. Maybe you would like to experiment with different modes and see if one worked as well as what you're doing now? It's very nice to have a "chunk" of time to work in instead of having it split up, for me at least. If you see your therapist 5 times a week, ask if you can see them in two, two-session-at-a-time sessions (which would get you down to 4 times a week).

It's very individual how often one sees the therapist and depends on your time, the therapists time and orientation (if you are in psychoanalysis, it probably should stay 3-5 times a week but your therapist should/have explain/ed that to you and why you are seeing them so often.

I would be a chicken and approach talking to my therapist by saying something like, "My parents are having a bit of difficulty with the amount of money they are helping me with by paying for my therapy." Then I'd ask about whether there's a chance of reduced fees or a different way to set up the hours so they're as productive but fewer hours, etc.

Hi Perna! Thanks so much for your reply! My parents are the ones who pay, they give me money and I make the payments. I'm not sure what type of therapy I'm in! She explained it on the first day but I wasn't paying much attention!(nervousness!). I actually was quite upset that my parents had brought up money(past experiences, i feel like they never clearly tell me how much they can afford to spend on me. whenever they bring up the topic whether its for school, doctors, etc. they initially always tell me everythings fine, then as soon as i start feeling a bit better and more comfortable they bring up money and leave me feeling v.guilty and so i end up quitting whatever i was doing). I was considering bringing it up in therapy tomorrow (cause it had upset me so much) but i just cant bring it up in therapy, not this time, cause it has something to do with my therapist and im not comfortable talking to her about it at all. not sure what to do. she's probably gonna notice im upset. i'm just afraid that if i bring it up (i dont know how to do it in a jokey way- my style is a very defensive one) it'll offend her. I was also thinking of approaching it along the lines that you suggested (the guilt i feel at my parents having to pay more than they can afford), but she'll see right through it. I feel so bad Not sure what to do ...maybe i'll just ask her if I can reduce to two sessions/week without giving any explanations.

[Perna]

She'll see through that too and make you explain.

Bite the bullet and do it for yourself? You want to keep quitting everything because your parents make you feel guilty? Work with your T to help you with your parents and you'll be helping your parents (be better parents) at the same time.

Does your therapist know your parents pay you to pay them? Start there, maybe. If you pay her at the end of each session, reach out and pay her "first" tomorrow. That way you won't be able to weasel out of talking about it :-) Hand her the money and when she looks a question, say something like, "my parents give me all the money to pay you and now they're questioning me about the cost and that's making me really anxious, uncomfortable. . ." confused, lonely, etc. There's nothing in that statement that is about the "therapist" to make you feel you might be offending her?

If you really want to get it done but not have to do it all; print out this post/page and ask her to read it (or give it to her with your payment tomorrow and ask her to read it as you skip out the door :-) That way she'll know "all" and be "prepared" to be the one to help you talk about it and resolve it most comfortably/healthfully for you.

[ErinBear]

Hi PinkPony,

I've been in counseling twice. The first counseling relationship I was in was quite intense, and like you, I generally went 3-5 days per week. Everyone is different, and every situation is different. There were problems. As you mention, it is extremely expensive to see a counselor that often. That was a huge problem. And even though I had significant issues to work on, I think it wasn't healthy for me or the counselor to see each other that often. I became too reliant on him, I think. Also, he was having problems in his personal life. I don't think he was a healthy counselor. This is probably not the case with your counselor, but I think he wasn't running a good practice. I didn't realize it at the time, but it was a very unhealthy counseling relationship. It ended very suddenly and very badly, without any referrals, and in an unethical fashion. And because I had been seeing him at such an intense level, basically five days a week, I think it was even worse than it would have been in another circumstance, although that kind of ending would be bad anyway.

It took me ten years to try counseling again, but under much different circumstances. I was very careful about the counselor I chose the next time - a counselor who worked in a group practice, and I made sure he himself checked in with supervision and didn't work solo as the previous counselor had done. I never allowed myself to get so reliant. We met once or twice a week. There were a couple of crises when we met three times a week in one week over the course of time, but that was rare. When he moved away, it was very hard indeed as we had a good, productive, and very healthy working relationship, but it was survivable. He also told me in advance that he was going to leave, and we had the chance to work through that difficult situation together. This was much healthier. To me, at least, working on a less frequent basis, although at times challenging, was the healthier way to go.

I would say even if one chooses to work at a more intense level at times, it may be healthier to move towards less frequent sessions as a goal, maybe once or twice a week or less, from my experience and also the experiences of other people I know. Of course this may not be true for everyone, but this seems to be generally the case. And as you mentioned and as I know, the expense of it all is a true reality and does need to be considered too. That's a very important consideration.

Wishing you well,
ErinBear

[pinkpony]

thanks very much Perna and Erinbear! I went in today and was able to talk about it (although I spent the whole session avoiding it and talking about other things and in the end poured it all out in a not-too-coherent fashion). She was real professional about it and was very calm & didn't get angry or anything. and while I still have guilt coz of my parents I feel tons better than I did earlier! :-)

[ErinBear]

Dear PinkPony,

I think that was very brave to talk with your counselor about the situation, both for yourself, and also in light of your parents' expenses. Good for you! I'm also glad that your counselor was able to have a good discussion with you, and was calm. Some of the hardest discussions in counseling sometimes are the most fruitful, or that has been my experience over time. And working through this and having the courage to discuss it with your counselor will also help you have the courage to talk about other things in the future....it's like a series of stepping stones. One experience prepares you for another.

Thinking of you and wishing you well,
ErinBear

[Sannah]

Very good Pony!! You have to be open with your therapist about what is bothering you to get the most out of therapy.