[elliemay]

It relates to this thread and my therapist wanting to hear certain things, but not others...

http://forums.psychcentral.com/showthread.php?t=150118

I'm about to cancel the appt altogether. If he doesn't want to hear it, why go, not talk about it, and then pay for not talking about it? Or, even worse, talk about not talking about it.

Right now it just doesn't make sense to me.

In fact, I'm so discombobulated, I'm cleaning AND not eating.

[pachyderm]

Originally Posted by elliemay

I'm about to cancel the appt altogether. If he doesn't want to hear it, why go, not talk about it, and then pay for not talking about it? Or, even worse, talk about not talking about it.

Why not talk about not talking about it? Why not get it clear in your mind just what he meant by not wanting to talk about some things? If you get it clear and you still can't agree with him for his reasons not to want to talk about those things, then you can fire him with a clear conscience.

[Melbadaze]

Originally Posted by elliemay

It relates to this thread and my therapist wanting to hear certain things, but not others...

http://forums.psychcentral.com/showthread.php?t=150118

I'm about to cancel the appt altogether. If he doesn't want to hear it, why go, not talk about it, and then pay for not talking about it? Or, even worse, talk about not talking about it.

Right now it just doesn't make sense to me.

In fact, I'm so discombobulated, I'm cleaning AND not eating.

Beats me, I didn't answer to the orignal thread because, well it felt unbelievable. I'd go and tell it as it is and tell the therapist to get over themselves.

[pachyderm]

Originally Posted by Melbadaze

Beats me, I didn't answer to the orignal thread because, well it felt unbelievable. I'd go and tell it as it is and tell the therapist to get over themselves.

Would you have a different standard for a therapist than for someone else? If so, what is it that makes the difference?

[Fartraveler]

Elliemay, usually you seem to have a good relationship with your T, and to have a high opinion of his skills. And you've been seeing him for a while, too. And he's just been on a vacation, so that's always going to be stressful. So, based on that, you should probably just go and attempt to work this through.

(I may be wrong about this, and if I am, my apologies, but something about the tone of your posts around this gives me the sense that there may be a bit of over-reaction somewhere.)

Anyway, just go see him, and maybe that will help you get some clarity, one way or the other.

Take care,
-Far

[Perna]

Originally Posted by elliemay

He didn't want to hear about that maladaptive coping technique. Not one word. He just wants me to fix it.

I don't think so elliemay! It isn't that he wants you to "fix" it, but the maladaptive coping technique isn't the problem! He wants to hear about the problem, not the way you "cope" with the problem. If you deal with and solve the problem itself, the coping won't be necessary!

If I'm an ostrich and a lion shows up and I decide to cope by putting my head in the sand (maladaptive :-) then talking about putting my head in the sand misses the point of the whole thing? How you don't cope well, misses the actual lion part.

What I learned to do about physical coping/not coping, eating, etc. is to put all that on hold for a bit. Nothing is going to get better/worse for awhile if I use lousy coping methods (so they're okay to keep using for a bit); I've used those methods in the past and tackling the method doesn't work. So, I turn to the actual problem, the abandonment situation ("You left me and went away for two weeks, you dirty rat" :-) I think that's what he wants to hear about, how you feel about his and other important people coming/going, ("I trusted you to be here when I needed you and you want away") and trust, etc. The real McCoy!

Yes, I would go to therapy and see what's what.

((((((elliemay))))))

If I were in your situation, I would make myself go, even though I might not WANT to go.

I know that my T cares about me, and that he is an excellent T...AND I know that he says stupid things sometimes...AND I know that he sometimes says one thing and I hear another. I would want to go to talk to him to see what happened.

My T has said some dumb things and when we've talked about it, he is able to look back and say "I was a bad T at that moment", and we move on.

He's said some things that REALLY made me mad, but that he still stood by...and we had to find a way to work around whatever it was, or agree to disagree.

And usually, he's said something and meant it one way, and I've interpreted it another way, and there is a huge disconnect between the reality of the situation and the situation in my head.

You've been with your T a long time, and he sounds like such a good T. Give yourself the chance to go and work this out with him.

[elliemay]

Originally Posted by Perna

I don't think so elliemay! It isn't that he wants you to "fix" it, but the maladaptive coping technique isn't the problem! He wants to hear about the problem, not the way you "cope" with the problem. If you deal with and solve the problem itself, the coping won't be necessary!

If I'm an ostrich and a lion shows up and I decide to cope by putting my head in the sand (maladaptive :-) then talking about putting my head in the sand misses the point of the whole thing? How you don't cope well, misses the actual lion part.

What I learned to do about physical coping/not coping, eating, etc. is to put all that on hold for a bit. Nothing is going to get better/worse for awhile if I use lousy coping methods (so they're okay to keep using for a bit); I've used those methods in the past and tackling the method doesn't work. So, I turn to the actual problem, the abandonment situation ("You left me and went away for two weeks, you dirty rat" :-) I think that's what he wants to hear about, how you feel about his and other important people coming/going, ("I trusted you to be here when I needed you and you want away") and trust, etc. The real McCoy!

Yes, I would go to therapy and see what's what.

I love that ostrich and lion analogy. No you wouldn't talk to the ostrich about how deep they put their head in the sand, or what kind of sand, or the prime location to put their head in the sand..... One would worry about the lion.

However, I wouldn't say "hey ostrich, it's so simple, just don't stick your head in the sand. I'm leaving for two weeks, and when I come back, I'd better not hear that you put you head in the sand."

Sigh.

I know I should go, but it's more crap that I have to deal with. More stuff to absorb and cope with.

I've started to view it more like a child that won't eat. When I'm hungry, I'll eat and my therapist can just deal with it.

Oh, who am I kidding, I will likely go.

[elliemay]

Originally Posted by treehouse

((((((elliemay))))))

If I were in your situation, I would make myself go, even though I might not WANT to go.

I know that my T cares about me, and that he is an excellent T...AND I know that he says stupid things sometimes...AND I know that he sometimes says one thing and I hear another. I would want to go to talk to him to see what happened.

My T has said some dumb things and when we've talked about it, he is able to look back and say "I was a bad T at that moment", and we move on.

He's said some things that REALLY made me mad, but that he still stood by...and we had to find a way to work around whatever it was, or agree to disagree.

And usually, he's said something and meant it one way, and I've interpreted it another way, and there is a huge disconnect between the reality of the situation and the situation in my head.

You've been with your T a long time, and he sounds like such a good T. Give yourself the chance to go and work this out with him.

I know my T cares about me. I know he is worried. I also know that this is the first major rupture that we couldn't resolve in a relatively short amount of time.

And it's a big one to me. Regardless of the reality of the situation, I feel like he told me to just "shut up, and you'd better behave yourself while I am gone."

It's tough to shake. Even tougher to face when he gets back. I know he'll say "Oh ellie, I didn't mean it like that" In a very cooing voice that'll make me feel retarded or something. Then he'll apologize, and I'll have to sit with that until it's alright.

In the meantime, nothing gets worked on, nothing gets solved or worked through.

Sigh. It would be so much easier to ignore.

Originally Posted by elliemay

I also know that this is the first major rupture that we couldn't resolve in a relatively short amount of time.

And it's a big one to me. Regardless of the reality of the situation, I feel like he told me to just "shut up, and you'd better behave yourself while I am gone."

Ack. I just remembered a couple of months ago before T left for a vacation, we had a ginormous rupture. I had some yucky CSA flashbacks the night before my session, I went in all shook up and just wanted help getting back to being okay NOW, and T didn't want to hear about it. He had his own agenda, and he was hell-bent on talking about THAT. Just like you, I felt like he told me to shut up. Ugh.

We did manage to connect on the phone before he left, and I was able to tell him how I felt (which involved a LOT of crying and anger) and in the end, he apologized, but it felt SO undone. And then he was off for 10 days.

It is HARD to sit with a rupture for that long. For me, since the apology happened before he left, I did have some time to come to terms with all of it while he was gone - it stinks that you are still basically in the "this just happened!" part of the rupture.

I don't know. When T and I have a rupture, I think about the fact that if I wasn't in therapy, I might feel OKAY right now...because I wouldn't BE in this rupture, which feels so awful and crappy. And even though I *know* from experience that the ruptures always make the relationship stronger in the end, NOTHING in the world feels "right" until there is a resolution.

I'm sorry you've had to sit with this for so long. When is your session?

[elliemay]

Originally Posted by treehouse

Ack. I just remembered a couple of months ago before T left for a vacation, we had a ginormous rupture. I had some yucky CSA flashbacks the night before my session, I went in all shook up and just wanted help getting back to being okay NOW, and T didn't want to hear about it. He had his own agenda, and he was hell-bent on talking about THAT. Just like you, I felt like he told me to shut up. Ugh.

We did manage to connect on the phone before he left, and I was able to tell him how I felt (which involved a LOT of crying and anger) and in the end, he apologized, but it felt SO undone. And then he was off for 10 days.

It is HARD to sit with a rupture for that long. For me, since the apology happened before he left, I did have some time to come to terms with all of it while he was gone - it stinks that you are still basically in the "this just happened!" part of the rupture.

I don't know. When T and I have a rupture, I think about the fact that if I wasn't in therapy, I might feel OKAY right now...because I wouldn't BE in this rupture, which feels so awful and crappy. And even though I *know* from experience that the ruptures always make the relationship stronger in the end, NOTHING in the world feels "right" until there is a resolution.

I'm sorry you've had to sit with this for so long. When is your session?

My session is wednesday. I have to cancel by tomorrow morning or I will get charged.

The fact is, Tree - - I don't know If I'm ready to make this right. Frankly, I'm beginning to feel mad as hell.

It may be an overreaction, or it may just be about damn time I got mad over this.

Or it just may be that anger is easier.

It even could be I don't want to look at the issues underlying all this.

I just want my mind to be quiet. But it appears as though it has a lively, active will of its own.

Thank you so much for your understanding, I'm sorry you went through the same thing.

Originally Posted by elliemay

Frankly, I'm beginning to feel mad as hell.

What if you went to your session and let yourself be angry? What if you told him how mad you are?

[rainbow8]

I was thinking what tree said, elliemay. Just go in and be yourself. Tell T how angry you are. Tell him what you've been posting, too. My T keeps telling me not to figure things out. Just go and be open to whatever develops when you get there.

[elliemay]

yeah, I think he needs to know how angry I feel. It's time this went to the person it belongs to, whether it's him, or someone else.

I'm just tired down in my soul with it.

And confused.

Now, just hold on until Wednesday.

[zooropa]

(((((elliemay))))) Just one more day and then it will be Wednesday. You're almost there.

[elliemay]

Well, I'm going - or paying for the privilege of not going.

I still know that he is going to coo at me. I still know that that will make me feel angry too.

It's not exactly fair that he put this on me.

I'm sure today will fly by, because tomorrow - I have to face something I dread.

Thanks to all for your support. I'll likely need some more.

[Perna]

Originally Posted by elliemay

I'm leaving for two weeks, and when I come back, I'd better not hear that you put you head in the sand.

I always gave my T the benefit of the doubt, it made things easier for me to just assume I was wrong :-)

So, if my T had said this to me, knowing my T, I would have assumed it didn't mean what I thought it meant. So, what could it mean, where is there a different meaning?

Parse it! LOL I'd separate it into "I'd better not hear" and "that you put your head in the sand". It could mean that it's okay to put my head in the sand still but s/he doesn't want to hear about that. So, what does s/he want to hear?

"You left for two weeks and I was confused and angry the whole time, thinking you gave me a paradox, 'an anomalous juxtaposition of incongruous ideas for the sake of striking exposition or unexpected insight' to figure out and it was a lot of hard work and bother! A plague on you, never go away again!"

See: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Paradox_(literature)

[Oceanwave]

Hi Elliemay,
I remember responding to your original post and your situation did make me feel angry. Feel free to take my anger with you, if that helps. I would definitely stand up for myself in your place.

[elliemay]

I went to therapy. It did not go very well. He was very defensive at first, stated his intentions about "not wanting to hear" about eating. Then proclaimed that he had meant it as sort of a joke.

He then went on to say that I had blown it out of proportion. Which is likely true, but it hurt. WHat can I say?

He thought I was trying to pick a fight with him. Maybe I was.

We talked about a few things. NOthing really spectacular.

I'm tired. Maybe things will be better next week. Don't know though.

I wish my real therapist would stand up. I don't know who this one is.

[zooropa]

((((((ellie))))))

well, I'm really glad you went, I know that wasn't easy. I'm confused by your Ts behavior, as you are I'm sure. What did he say about his statement about not wanting to hear about certain things? It really sucks that he was defensive and then minimized your (legitimate!) emotional reactions by saying you were blowing it out of proportion. I'm really sorry.

I think it's great that you're willing to go back next week & keep working through this. I have wanted to quit T a lot of times (like now) but I keep going and our relationship is stronger because of it. Hang in there.

((((((((((Ellie)))))))))))

Good for you for going, even though it stinks to have no resolution.

I wonder if T will mull this over in his mind a bit, and be more like your Real T when you see him next? I hope so.

[Oceanwave]

Originally Posted by elliemay

He then went on to say that I had blown it out of proportion. Which is likely true, but it hurt. WHat can I say?

He thought I was trying to pick a fight with him. Maybe I was.

I'm surprised he didn't look into why you "blew it out of proportion" and your emotions around this. And explore why you were picking a fight (if you were). If you still feel strongly about this I would think about it and bring it up next time with him; see where it takes you.

[elliemay]

Thanks guys.

My T *does* have a bad habit of going into defense mode when I bring up issues that relate to something he says or does.

Usually, by the next session he's incorporated what I said.

But, I ended up crying and still being upset. I didn't leave with a good feeling, just more tired.

I forgot to pick up his check when I left the house and didn't have my checkbook with me, so I'm going to drop payment by today. I may include a letter or I may not.

I don't feel like expressing anything else to him right now.

I'm gonna go next week with an open mind, and a heart as open as I can manage and see what pops up.

He's earned that for sure.

It's not like I'm trapped into his care or anything.

If it stops being more help than hurt in the long run, I'll terminate.

It's a biggee, but not a biggee at the same time you know?

[elliemay]

Well, even though I told him I was going to, I did not drop his payment off the next day. In fact, I haven't done it yet. I had every intention to, but just couldn't. A whole bunch of things just "came up".

I have absolutely no idea why I'm so angry and why I am taking it out on him - even if it's just by witholding something that is due him.

Yes, he made some off the cuff remarks, but this is nothing that he hasn't done before. All in all, he's a great therapist that has helped me a lot.

But right now, I'm sooooo mad at it's being directed at him.

I don't understand how or why I feel this way.

Great, more confusion.

[Oceanwave]

Originally Posted by elliemay

Well, even though I told him I was going to, I did not drop his payment off the next day. In fact, I haven't done it yet. I had every intention to, but just couldn't. A whole bunch of things just "came up".

I have absolutely no idea why I'm so angry and why I am taking it out on him - even if it's just by witholding something that is due him.

Do you feel, deep down, that he doesn't deserve the money? I think it'd be a good idea to discuss with him what you think you want from him and are not getting from him. Something to bring up in session, definitely.