[Amazonmom]

OMG I sent an email to my T yesterday and now I will be in huge trouble and she will get angry and maybe even dump me.... I only email every few months or so which is why I have email privileges with her and most of her other clients don't.

I told her she always points out when I am in a positive or chipper mood, but never when I am sad or depressed. It makes me paranoid about why she is pointing out my mood. Is she hinting my bipolar is acting up and I am not getting it? I end up thinking she doesn't care about me being depressed or sad and only wants to smash my mood down. I then was flippant and told her that the lithium was doing a great job of keeping me in mild depression.

TRIGGER ALERT- Death of an infant mentioned.


In the session yesterday we discussed a very traumatic event in my past where a baby in the NICU died of an Ebstein's Anomaly. Infants of mothers who take Lithium are much more likely to get this usually lethal defect than others (even though overall risk is low). The mom is bipolar, her psych and OB just patted her on the head and said everything would be fine. No testing or monitoring was done. This was the first she heard of her child being sick. She was not offered any change in meds before her planned pregnancy. I had long suspected I was bipolar and I decided never to tell anyone because when I had a baby I would be just like that woman. I spared the gory details.

Now I am having flashbacks and anxiety attacks because the pdoc my T wants me to see for meds during pregnancy has a reputation for being jackass. I told my T in the email that nobody was going to abuse me or make me hurt my child just because I am "crazy". That if I hadn't been so weak nobody would know i was bipolar and I could have babies without poisoning them.

Now my T won't love me anymore because I lashed out. I am sorry for ranting and will go away now.

[googley]

((((((((((((((Amazonmom)))))))))))))))))

I don't think your T is going to be mad at you. I think she is going to know that you are going through a very stressful period and that you are having a hard time. Ts know that clients sometimes lash out. And if she is good she wont take it personally.

I don't think you are weak. I think you are very strong. I hope your T responds to your email and lets you know that it is okay.

[Amazonmom]

Thanks googley!

It's so frustrating when the logical and emotional sides don't agree...

[Oceanwave]

Hi Amazonmom,

It seems to me that it would be a good idea to discuss your very genuine worries with a doctor, and whether you can actually take this medication while pregnant. If there are chances that it can harm the baby they shouldn't normally prescribe this and will normally put you on an alternative medication. I think that's a real and important issue to attend to right now - how your T feels about all this is a completely different matter. And it's your T's business to manage her own feelings about this anyway.

[Amazonmom]

Hi Oceanwave!

My T is a Pnurse who prescribes my Lithium. If I was her I wouldn't want the professional risk of managing a pregnant bipolar woman's meds. Logically going to an expert in the field would be the right thing to do. I remind myself that there are several options for pdocs in seattle that treat pregnant women. I can interview a few and choose the one who will work with me in a professional manner.

Taking no meds until week 14 or so will eliminate the cardiac issues altogether anyway.

thanks for your support

[Oceanwave]

Originally Posted by Amazonmom

I remind myself that there are several options for pdocs in seattle that treat pregnant women. I can interview a few and choose the one who will work with me in a professional manner.

Could be well worth it!!

All best wishes,
Oceanwave

[zooropa]

first of all, you don't have to apologize, and please don't go away now!
secondly, I agree with googley that your T will probably not react the way you fear she will.

[Amazonmom]

The scared little girl inside of me is scared of abandonment, but my adult self knows that things probably aren't as bad as I fear.

PTSD stinks like rotten garbage!

Thanks for the support

[WikidPissah]

I seriously don't think you're T will be upset....the email doesn't sound bad....honest.

[Amazonmom]

Thanks Eileen, now that the flashback is over I am feeling much better about the situation.

[Perna]

Actually I think your T will be glad you told her the story and gave her your reaction. Doctors don't know everything about every condition and each individual under their care; they too are working "with" us and learn from us, just like T's do.

My appendix burst in 2003 and I was taken off antibiotics too soon because of a severe negative reaction to one. The upshot was that I had a serious, life-threatening infection wandering around inside me for 5 months and only escaped the surgeon operating again by my own research into antibiotics and insisting that the surgeon prescribe me one from a list I brought him. He did but said if it didn't work, he was operating! It worked (and he was amazed) and I was "good as new". I know I helped my surgeon with his education and experience and I can only hope I helped some other doctors, hospital staff, ER room personnel, etc. with theirs along the way.

[Amazonmom]

My T is always telling me that she waiting for me to get angry. I never express anger to her, and especially not about her.

Well, I think she got what she wanted! LOL

Thanks Perna for sharing your story about speaking up for yourself.