Disappointed - Frustrated

(((((((Geez )))))))) That is SO AWESOME that you did the painting! And I encourage you to bring the picture of the little girl! That will let your T see who it is that is getting help.

Update:

When I got to T's office she had a pad of paper and a pen waiting for me. She had me write down a list of what I wanted to talk about.

I wrote things on there like - talk about painting/picture. Talk about email etc...

First thingI did was talk about the email and how I was sorry for sending that to her. She told me I had nothing to be sorry for and I told her I was embarrassed for my feelings.

I brought my painting and the picture of the little girl that is represented in a part of the painting. It was REALLY hard for me to bring and show her the painting. First I showed her the painting.... and then I took out the picture after she asked what a specific part of the painting represented. I told her it was a part of me that I keep separate from everything else and I want to learn to accept that part of me.

I feel like she 'explained away' what I was feeling - in saying things like "everyone feels that way" - in reference to a couple things about how I was feeling about situations (social anxiety). - I don't know if I wasn't heard or if I just want to be stuck.

At the end of the appt she told me she would take the pad back with what I wrote on it and it would be my pad to write what I want to talk about each week. Thankfully I said the things on the list that I didn't have time to talk about or that would have made me a liar (if I said there was nothing else after she asked me -tricky T ). The one big thing I wanted to talk about but I didn't write down is how I fear what she thinks of me and keeping people at an arms length.

In the end she told me that I needed to take responsibility for talking about what I would like to talk about. Right now I'm still processing all that was talked about and I found the appt to be exhausting.

I now have a standing appt next week same time.

Thank you all for listening. I'm sure I'll be spewing my insides somewhere else with a question

((((((((( geez ))))))))) Thank you for sharing this session with us. That did take courage to show T your truth and the painting. That was brave of you. Don't overthink what T said with "everyone feels that way" .... I have heard my own T say things that meant the same thing and I understand how much that stings on the inside. But what I found out was that he was trying to make me feel like I wasn't "bad" or "an outcast" by feeling those feelings. I think your T may have been trying to help you see that you may be more "normal" than you may feel at times :-)

Many Thanks (((WePow))). My sense of reality can be a little distorted sometimes

I think I can understand what you are saying here Geez. My policy is to dive in to what a person shares, to ask questions, tell them "wow, that must have hurt". It is like I expand this part. Our automatic reaction for the average person is to wipe over these things. When someone is uncomfortable we like to make it better by saying "it isn't a big deal", "it will get better", etc. This does feel minimizing because it feels like they want it to go away. If you dive into it with them the person gets to explore and actually do some work on the issue.

How did your T respond when you told her that you were embarrassed about your feelings? Did she explore this?

After apologizing for the email she asked why I was apologizing and I told her that I don't know - I told her I'm embarrassed about my feelings because perhaps I feel I don't deserve the right to have these feelings. After that I don't remember if she asked me why I feel that way.

It's so freaking hard to learn to trust. I'm right there with you, I totally get it. We are supposed to open up when everything inside of us tells us that opening up is not safe. It really sounds like your T has a game plan though, and if you don't trust her personally, at least trust the fact that she's a T and has done this before. hugs...