Disappointed - Frustrated

I had a crappy session today.

I brought in pages of my journal to share with my T. They were printed off from an on line journal that I sent her a link to a couple of days ago. I told her I brought some copies as I didn't know if she had time to print them off etc... She looked surprised and said that she would have remembered receiving them. I told her that perhaps they are in her spam/junk mail folder. It was hard to talk about some of my journal entries with her so they will be discussed at my next appt. In addition to that there was something else I wanted to talk about and I chickened out (refer to my Hug post).

In addition to that I'm extremely frustrated and angry with myself for not opening up to her. I can't even open up to myself . I'm afraid my T is getting frustrated with me. She told me that talking about things doesn't seem to be working for me in getting in touch with my emotions. I can intellectualize all day long and when any emotions come up I stuff it down and turn it off. It's almost like I'm on autopilot when this happens and I'm getting really tired of it. I want to move forward and this is holding me back in life.

The one good suggestion that came out of it was to paint my feelings. Thanks for listening.

Geez, it doesn't happen all at once! You are getting closer to acknowledging and naming your feelings and working hard to do so! Look how disappointed you are that the process isn't faster.

Don't be afraid or worry about your T's feelings You're supposed to be working on yours; your T will let you know if she sees a problem with your work; sounds like she is being helpful (pointing out that "talking" doesn't seem to be helping you work with them and suggesting painting them) and is in the struggle with you (if you're frustrated, you want T to be frustrated too, you're in this together!).

Hard struggling is good! Think about what's "easy" and how important/worth it is in the end? It's easy to work all day and make $50 but much harder to figure out how to make $1,000? You and your feelings sound worth the struggle!

(((((GEEZ)))))

Hope you start feeling a little better about this. I am struggling with the same issue right now, so I understand what its like. I am doing journaling stuff right now for my next session. Actually, it is so difficult I just put it aside and came on the computer. I hope to put something in it as we are going to go over it. I think if I was just doing it for myself it would be easier, but because I know I will have to share it and discuss it, it seems so hard. I hate discussing feelings. I dont even know if I can. The painting sounds like a good idea and I could see it maybe working. Hope you get the courage to ask next time about the hug and hope you get a hug too.

\(((Perna))) Thank you so much for your kind words. I guess I need to be a little less hard on myself.

(((suzzie))) It feels good to know I'm not alone. My T makes it optional for me to share my journal. I have been sharing it lately as it's hard to speak face to face with someone and there are times where I don't think I would have anything to talk about if I didn't share my journal. I too hate certain feelings.

Perhaps the fact that you aren't happy about journaling could be something to write about?

Perhaps cut and paste some of what you wrote here: "Actually, it is so difficult I just put it aside and came on the computer. I hope to put something in it as we are going to go over it. I think if I was just doing it for myself it would be easier, but because I know I will have to share it and discuss it, it seems so hard. I hate discussing feelings. I dont even know if I can."

Sending hugs your way Thank you for listening and wishing you the same peace of mind I am seeking on the 'feelings' subject.

hi geez i also have a very hard time talking in T and dealing with my emotions etc..so my T has me doing art therapy.i found that i liked it a lot i dont tend to talk about what i create but i feel better about being in the room with her and i do seem to draw stuff that meant things to me.you should give it a try maybe you will find it easier to deal with all that bottled up emotions

Why do you think that you stuff your emotions Geez?

I just went back to your hugs post. Was it hard to bring up this topic of hugs because it is hard for you to ask for what you need?

For many reasons...

I was not allowed to express myself in the ways of fear, anger, or any expression of need.

One time I was sick and my mom forced me to eat the cereal she made for me for breakfast. I told her I couldn't eat it because I felt sick to my stomach. My brother who was sitting at the table told me a joke and made me laugh. She then told me if I was laughing then I wasn't sick and she forced me to eat the cereal (I was forced to eat the cereal out of fear of being beaten). I then puked at the table into my bowl and she told me I was still faking it and then forced me to eat the puked cereal in the bowl. I of course puked again and then she stopped forcing me to eat the cereal and then believed me (that very feeling in the pit of my stomach is what I feel today).

Another time at the age of 3 when my brother was 4/5 my brother was playing with matches. I was told by my parents to tell them if my brother ever touched/played with matches. Of course he did - I told my father who was home 'watching us' and my brother was beaten for what felt like forever. I still have his screams in my head (from that day forward my mother forbid my father to 'spank' us for fear that he would kill us) - he of course did still use his hands on occasion in anger. That was yet another renforcement that if I open my mouth something bad will happen.

If I was afraid of something I was forced to do it such as touch a spider or fight dirty at the bus stop (I was told you better beat them and if you come home and you don't then I will beat you). I was told at a very young age that I talked too much so I learned to not talk. I took a risk once and I asked for a hug in tears - I was pushed away and told to toughen up (by my mother). If I expressed my feelings in any way I was punished via physical means. I was hit or told I needed to toughen up if I showed any anger or sadness... so my anger turned to fear - over the years I turned to food, drugs, and alcohol to feel numb. If my mom asked me my opinion on something and I had an opposing view from my mother about anything - say abortion for example then I was berated by my mother - so the message to me was what you really think/feel doesn't matter. When my older brother saw me and my abuser kiss he told our mom and she slapped me in the face in front of my relatives (at the age of 5). I feared my parents so I never told them about the SA for fear of being punished. Many years later I told my mom and all she could say was: "I wish you told me I had no idea" - in my head I'm screaming - Of course I wouldn't tell you!!!!!!!!!!!!!! - did the intense questions about how someone can get pregnant from a 5 year old not clue you in???????????????

I think the answer is in the above paragraph and yes it's very hard to ask for what I need. I feel shame in that. I feel like I should be stronger and not so weak.

Thank you for listening. Wishing myself some peace.

wow geez i always find it amazing when i hear what people have lived through.i can only say that i'm glad your here and also getting some help.

(((((((((((((((geez)))))))))))))

Geez, I'm so sorry that all of that happened to you. It wasn't right at all........

Can you share these things with your therapist and tell her this is why you stuff your emotions?

You must feel shame in asking for what you need because this was how your mother made you feel if you asked for what you needed? She was so wrong in how she treated you...........

There is nothing wrong with asking for what we need.........

You are welcome Geez.

Some of these things I told her about before (the cereal I touched litely on but never in much detail and it was very matter of factly). Just telling my story of the cereal on this forum feels diff for me this time. I'm feeling like it's more real to me. The feelings of wow that was really f'ed up and that happened to me! are starting to surface. I will definitely be sharing this with her at my next appt if we can get to it. There's a lot to discuss at my next appt on Tues.

Yes that is exactly it. I carry that through into my relationships today. I don't ask for help with things from my spouse etc... If I do then I feel shame for not being able to do something myself. If I'm struggling and I need help with something I don't ask for help qand I expect my husband to see that I'm struggling and offer help. If my husband doesn't offer help then I get silently agry at him.

I'm afraid that some of what we are going to discuss at my next appt makes me the freak. I'm so afraid that T will think I'm weird and not want me as a client anymore.

Very good progress ^ !

I don't think that your therapist will think that you are a freak. You developed the same issues that just about everyone else would have developed if they would have been in your situation.

If you treat any child like you were treated they would grow up not expressing themselves or asking for what they needed. We are molded as children and you were molded in response to your mother. It doesn't make you a freak at all. It makes you a normal person who responded normally to very bad/abusive parenting.

I had to fix the same things as an adult. I had to learn to express myself, understand my feelings and ask for what I needed.

Thank you Sannah. One step fwd two steps back. I totally choked at my appt this morning and didn't say much of anything other than talk a little bit about how it's hard for me to ask for what I need or ask for help. I'm feeling very disappointed in myself. I hate wasting everyones time.

You don't see this as important?

Geez,

I am so sorry those things happened to you and your brother when you were kids. That must have been so hard to bear. No child should ever be treated that way. No wonder you have a hard time showing how you feel or asking for help. Thank you for being so honest and sharing this with us.

Do you like your T? Do you feel comfortable with your T? Do you want to stay with T?
Do you want to find another T? Does T help you, comfort you, guide you well?

I like my T - I think. Or should I say I really liked/loved her up until my last appointment. I don't feel comfortable with my T as of right now. I don't think it would matter much who my T was as of today other than....... if it were a male T that would be a huge no no for me (I have some big trust issues with men and being SA etc..). Right now I'm feeling threatened and vulnerable inside and I want to hide. I think I want to stay with T? I usually run in many relationships/friendships and keep everyone at an arms length (T has told me that was her impression of me and that is spot on - my husband has said this too). I don't want to run just yet T has helped me in the past and I have felt some comfort with her and I think she has guided me well. I'm just feeling this huge distance from her right now. I'm afraid she doesn't like me and if so how can I open up to someone if I feel that way? - I'm sure as usual this is all just in my head? I'm scared.

Thank you Feary for your posting.

(((((Geez )))))) Allow yourself the right to feel this way. But keep on working on the trust. It is not easy at all for someone who has been abused to trust. That is all a part of the fallout. But you are doing the right thing by processing this and working with T on it. Just keep on being totally honesty about your truth!

Your therapist is not your friend. I had a hard time with this. My therapist is a health professional, like a physical therapist, whom I pay to help me recover. She provides a consistent, even model of a relationship with limitations. I can trust her, but I don't always like her.

Your therapist is your therapist. Stay with her. Don't journal everything out, that just lets you intellectualise it more. Mine had to stop me from this. Instead, write down two sentences, or even just a couple of words. Stop TALKING about what you feel, and start SHARING what you feel.

It's hard, it's hell. I know this. My therapist refuses to be dazzled by my intellect and the result has been that i stopped trying to do that, and therapy's gone better since i opened up. If you journal too much that becomes an alternate means of communication, and therapy is about learning to tolerate talking about it.

Why not just pick ONE thing per session, one feeling to talk about? Sometimes make it good feelings, too. I know how bad it can be to be overwhelmed- my whole last session was spent learning to deal better with that.

But the journaling? Yeah. We do it to protect ourselves, not always to get into our emotions but to get out of them. Painting is good. Exercise is good. I use crayons and a sketchbook- i'm awful, but they work.

IMHO, in a sixty minute space (let alone a 55, 50, or 45 minute space) there is just not enough time to TALK about everything, much less to process anything, hardly. Journaling can be done in one's own place, in one's own time, and can be used to record for memory's sake, but also to vent, (which is processing), and to explore (which is also processing).

I suppose it could be used as an avoidance, then again I bring in my journal more frequently now than I did before...and T's eyes light up every time she sees it. I wonder if she will ever ask to borrow it - I think to myself, if she does too bad for her, my handwriting is so bad even I can hardly read it a lot of times

You are progressing just as you should in T right now Geez. Can you see how real life relationships are being mirrored right now in therapy? The issues that make you keep others at arms length IRL are coming up in therapy right now. Keep working and you will work through these issues.

Can you talk to her about your feeling that she doesn't like you? This is probably the same issue that makes you keep others at arms length?

Um I don't know if I can actually say the words "I feel like you don't like me".

My appt is tomorrow and it is going to be very hard for me. I am very nervous about tomorrow. I feel like I'm going to the principles office and I'm about to be expelled tomorrow . I'm feeling really embarrassed about the email I sent her .

I am bringing my painting of feelings to show her and maybe a picture of the girl that's represented in the painting. I'm so scared out of my mind! Wish me luck!

(((geez)))

You are doing good.

better than that! I wish you reinforcements!

Wear pockets. You will have lots of company.

Thank you so much that means more to me than you'll ever know.

Thank you everyone for being so supportive. I'll keep you all posted.

Peace.