My sessions with T have been a little hard lately.

October is historically a really bad month for me, with near-hospitalizations, etc. Just BAD. I decided last November after barely surviving last October to make THIS October different. So, I have a lot of big (like, really big) positive things planned for next month.

At the same time, I'm running myself into the ground. It seems like whenever I sit still, I have a panic attack. It happened in the waiting room waiting for T today. And then once I get past the panic, I'm SOOOOOOO tired. T told me today that I was so tired I was slurring my words.

Session was weird - I felt myself drifting in and out. T would ask "what did you mean when you said x?" and I would literally have no memory at all of saying it, even though it was apparently just in my last sentence.

I finally told him that all I really want is for someone to take care of me. And I do. I am working SO HARD, and T knows it, and gets it, and acknowledges it, and we both know this year is hugely different from years past...AND its still hard, which sucks. I told T I am trying to let myself be okay with it being hard. To know that whatever I'm doing to get through it is good enough.

I asked him to sit with me and he did and he held my hand. He asked "what would being taken care of look like?" and...i dont KNOW. I said "I guess like this".

At the end, I told him that he could make everything better if he would just tell me I'm his favorite (this is an ongoing half-joke we have). He said, really? it would be that easy? And I said yes. He stopped writing my receipt and looked WAY into my eyes and said "I really want you to start trying to internalize this. I care about you. I like you. I love you". there was a pause and I said "you forgot to say 'THE MOST'". which made T laugh really hard.

I'm not even sure what I'm doing there. We don't really talk about anything. I'm really sleepy and I sort of lay there and let myself drift. sometimes I think we talk about not talking. It's SO quiet. I guess it's peaceful, but....?

I think I just need the support right now. I think I just need to know that october can come and I can run and run and I can go there to rest and that T is just THERE. I guess that's what I need. I'm not sure.

Just feeling kind of confused, I think.

[sittingatwatersedge]

((((((((((((((((((((((((((((( tree )))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

don't stress about what you are "doing" in therapy; you can only see what's on the surface, maybe.

I guess what I want to say is, if it's enough for yr T, no worries.

I think I am just so sad and tired and lonely.

My best friend is very very very sick - it's scary and i want to take care of her, and I am as much as i can. My other best friend is taking care of her very sick dad 24/7. Their needs are so much greater than mine right now, and that is fine. I love them and I want to take care of them.

AND at the same time, i feel lonely and scared and sad.

i wish t could just take me home with him sometimes.

[Oceanwave]

((((treehouse)))))

Sorry you are in this bad place right now. Can your H be your T at home? Can you ask him to look after you a little bit, and hold you, and do what T does with you so you feel loved and cared for?

[WikidPissah]

Tree...wow...I thought I was the only one with October dread. It must be the big moon or something. Anyways, I am glad you have a little support...even if it's only one hour a week. And you are trying so hard....cut yourself a little slack. If your tired, lay your head down and rest.

Sux that your friends aren't able to care for you right now. I get that, I'm a freakin "lone wolf" myself. It would be nice to have someone take care of me just for a little while.

[googley]

((((((((Tree)))))))))

I wish I could take care of you (and your friends so you wouldn't have to worry about them).

I think it is fine that you are finding T to be a place where you can go and relax and unwind and be supported. Sometimes that is what it needs to be. But it also looks like from what you said, that while you may not be talking as much, there is still talking and sharing of ideas going on while you are in T. You mentioned that he would ask you about things that you didn't remember saying. So there is communication going on. That you don't remember it at this point I don't think makes it any less important. Part of you is able to express what is going on with you. And those silent times are not bad also. Sometimes we just need to feel connected to another person and know that they care about us. Right now it seems that T is providing that. You are busy taking care of others, we also need to be taken care of. Otherwise we burn out. And then we can't take care of ourselves or anyone else.

[zooropa]

(((((TREE)))))
What you are doing in therapy right now is important. It's taking time for you. It's taking time to breathe. It's feeling safe and loved. It's important.

[WePow]

((((((((((((( Tree ))))))))))))))) I am so happy for you that your T shared his love with you like that. It is odd because I love reading your posts about the relationship you have with your T. And I rarely am EVER jeleous of others or their relationships. But when I read your post, I felt something deep in me that wished my T loved me too. I won't even want to be his favorite :-( Just if he actually did love me in a human way.

Well I am still very glad that you do have your T. That is awesome. But I am sorry about your friend.

[darkrunner]

(((((Treehouse)))))
I think therapy is always for support, but that support can look different at different times depending on what is going on. T is there to help you through anything that you are going through - whether it's stuff from your past, or current problems, or even the problems of everyone else that you are dealing with.
I agree with Googley, that there is probably a lot going on underneath the surface. And that is you working on your relationship with yourself, with your T and with others.
I also like what Oceanwave said about asking your H for some extra support. Or maybe the friends from your meetings that were helping you so much before?

OMG wrote a huge long reply and lost it

T told me to give myself permission to sleep. I know he really, really wants me to sleep. I guess I'll go try.

Thanks for replying. It helps a lot, actually.

[zooropa]

I've been struggling with sleep lately, too. It does make everything so much harder. I'm thinking about starting a really specific bedtime routine. I hope you get some sleep, long deep peaceful sleep, tree. You need it and you deserve it.

[sunrise]

I hope you have a good sleep, treehouse. Sleep can help so much. We get so run down and not thinking clearly when we are sleep-deprived. There have been times when my T "commanded" me to sleep. That felt very caring to me. And I did it and felt better. It didn't solve my problems miraculously, but being well rested made life not seem so daunting.

Yes, therapy can be very supportive. Yours has always sounded very supportive to me, with your T so caring.

Originally Posted by sunrise

Yes, therapy can be very supportive. Yours has always sounded very supportive to me, with your T so caring.

T IS really caring and supportive. I guess I'm wondering, can therapy JUST be support? No processing, just being, resting, being cared for. I don't know. It feels like therapy has become quieter and quieter and more and more still lately. Like the next step is just going there and taking a nap. THAT kind of quiet and still.

T left me a really nice message yesterday. I know he gets where I'm at - he made that really really clear. I love that he did that, because I know he knows that if he really understands what's going on with me, that helps a little in itself. I like that he knows me so well.

He gave me some "directives", which he never does, but which I said I needed. To allow myself to sleep, to be gentle with myself, to really really know that however I am is truly "good enough".

I am supposed to see him tomorrow (but i feel like I'm getting sick, so we'll see). Some October stuff is starting to push at me to be told. The though of going there is....ugh. But the thought of NOT going there and struggling for the rest of my life is even worse.

ugh. help.

[googley]

(((((((((((Tree)))))))))))))

I'm so sorry you are having such a hard time. I'm glad your T was able to leave you a message with what you needed. That is awesome. Can you talk to him about your worries about T getting so quiet? Maybe this is just what you need right now. With the October stuff popping up, I wouldn't be surprised if the pace sped up. Take care of yourself. You deserve it.

[Perna]

Sleep is good!

"Sleep that knits up the ravelled sleave of care The death of each day's life, sore labour's bath Balm of hurt minds, great nature's second course, Chief nourisher in life's feast." ~Shakespeare

[sunrise]

Originally Posted by treehouse

I guess I'm wondering, can therapy JUST be support? No processing, just being, resting, being cared for.

Your therapy hasn't been all just support. You have had many sessions where you did really hard work and processing. Now you are doing some support sessions. Are you wondering can entire sessions be only support? Yes, definitely. If you need to do more processing and work later, you can return to that. I have had quite a few sessions I think were support only. What is funny is that once in a while my T says something about my sessions that shows he views them in a different way. I may think we were doing "support" and then he will sling these clinical terms at me for what we were doing. Well, maybe they aren't clinical terms but phrases that indicate more of a directedness. Like we will be sitting there sharing with each other similar childhood experiences and I will think we were chatting. But he says this is building our relationship or bonding. (Especially the reciprocity is important for bonding.) Or I will think I am getting support but he says we are doing "ego work." For everything that happens in our session, he has a name for it! (And usually he does not share his terminology, thank goodness!)

Maybe if you told your T you thought you were getting support, he would say you were working to internalize his presence and caring so as to strengthen your ego and reinforce your secure attachment. Something like that...

Originally Posted by treehouse

He gave me some "directives", ... to really really know that however I am is truly "good enough".

I think this is great advice. And maybe your therapy is truly good enough too--just the way it is right now.

[sittingatwatersedge]

Originally Posted by treehouse

He gave me some "directives" .. To allow myself to really really know that however I am is truly "good enough".....

wow I like this guy