[geez]

Had a craptastic session today to quote someone else here on PC. I shut down in my appt today and then sent an email to T about it.

Holy!!!

This could be the end of seeing my therapist

email to T:

Dear T,
I’m writing to express my feelings as I seem to freeze when I’m in your presence at an appointment. I can hit the send button and I don’t have to be in your presence when you are reading this. While in an appointment I freeze and ‘shut down’ if you will as I’m afraid of what you will think of me (when I do talk I find that I say not allot or say the bare minimum). There are things I have in my head that I don’t say because I’m afraid of what you’ll think of me. I don’t want to need you for help. I hate feeling so damn needy. I question what you really think of me as I do everyone in my life. I ask my husband: Do you really love me? Is it just about being intimate/having sex (for the rare times it happens) that matters to you or do you really love me? I feel like how can anyone love/like me if I don’t feel like I love/accept myself.

I’m afraid. I’m feeling like I’m stuck. Today I felt like I didn’t want to do any ‘work’ so I sat mostly silent and bs my way through the session.

Well I’m going to hit the send button now before I change my mind.

I hope I’m not your only weird client and that you will continue working with me after you read this (If I where you I know I wouldn’t feel comfortable with me being weird and all by sending this email). I’m taking a risk. Here it goes…….

- Geez

PS – no need to respond if you wish not to. I’m just ‘putting it out there’. Yikes!

[sittingatwatersedge]

Wow.
you're very brave, you are trying hard, yr T will see that.

I am so sorry it hurts so (familiar ground, ow ow ow) , and I sure hope that you get some good and helpful responses from yr T (and from your DH !!!!!!!!!!!!!). hang on....

[owen2110]

You sound pretty normal to me. I always have a hard time talking about my real issues.

Hang in there, and keep trying, some things take time.

[doogie]

I'm sorry you had a hard session. I tell my T often that I'm going to stare the paint off his wall one day. I don't know how your T feels about email, but I think that it is great that you laid it all out in the email. You are expressing yourself. You might not be doing it in session - in that hour, but you are expressing yourself, your pain, your worries. That is progress. I have "talked" to my t way more through email than I have in person. Thankfully, he "gets" that about me and accepts that. I hope that your T is able to "read between the lines" of your email and gets to the heart of what you are really trying to say. I think it was very brave of you to send it.

Doogie

[sundog]

I think you wrote a really great email to your T and I agree with the others that it was brave of you to send it! I don't think there is anything stupid about any of it! Well done and I really hope you can continue working with this T.

[WikidPissah]

so brave! one of these days I'm gonna get up the nerve to email my T.

[granite1]

Originally Posted by geez

Had a craptastic session today to quote someone else here on PC. I shut down in my appt today and then sent an email to T about it.

Holy!!!

This could be the end of seeing my therapist

email to T:

Dear T,
I’m writing to express my feelings as I seem to freeze when I’m in your presence at an appointment. I can hit the send button and I don’t have to be in your presence when you are reading this. While in an appointment I freeze and ‘shut down’ if you will as I’m afraid of what you will think of me (when I do talk I find that I say not allot or say the bare minimum). There are things I have in my head that I don’t say because I’m afraid of what you’ll think of me. I don’t want to need you for help. I hate feeling so damn needy. I question what you really think of me as I do everyone in my life. I ask my husband: Do you really love me? Is it just about being intimate/having sex (for the rare times it happens) that matters to you or do you really love me? I feel like how can anyone love/like me if I don’t feel like I love/accept myself.

I’m afraid. I’m feeling like I’m stuck. Today I felt like I didn’t want to do any ‘work’ so I sat mostly silent and bs my way through the session.

Well I’m going to hit the send button now before I change my mind.

I hope I’m not your only weird client and that you will continue working with me after you read this (If I where you I know I wouldn’t feel comfortable with me being weird and all by sending this email). I’m taking a risk. Here it goes…….

- Geez

PS – no need to respond if you wish not to. I’m just ‘putting it out there’. Yikes!

way to go geez.that was so brave and i dont think you are weird at all i think a lot of people have a hard time expressing themselves in T.i bet now that you have put it out thare that your T will be able to help you with that when i dont talk my t does art or relaxation and other things to help me communicate how i am feeling.maybe some of these things will work for you

[zooropa]

wow, geez! That was really brave, baring your thoughts and feelings to T like that. I didn't read anything in there that made me think your T would react with anything other than understanding and compassion. I wouldn't worry about that email leading to the end of seeing her/him.

thank you for sharing that with us

[WePow]

(((( geez )))) That was brave for sure!!

[Sannah]

Very good Geez! You hit your first problem in therapy! You can't fix what doesn't appear! Hopefully, soon you will be looking forward to issues coming up (I always did because this was the only way I was going to get better - 1) issue comes up, 2) work on issue, 3) issues goes away!, 4) I am one step closer to being healthy!

You can work on this issue Geez and you can fix it! Please! keep us posted.

[Oceanwave]

I hope you and your T can address why you shut down in session and worry about what he thinks of you. Maybe you don't trust him (yet)? It's good that you are letting him know what's going on.

[darkrunner]

Good for you! I think that email is great, and I agree with the others - VERY brave! That is a really big step forward. It doesn't seem stupid - it seems like progress!!!

[peaches100]

I just wanted to reassure you also that i don't think anything you said was weird either. It's good that you're letting your know what your fears are when it comes to sharing what's inside you.

[geez]

Originally Posted by Oceanwave

I hope you and your T can address why you shut down in session and worry about what he thinks of you. Maybe you don't trust him (yet)? It's good that you are letting him know what's going on.

Oceanwave I've been going to my T on and off (mostly on than off) for 2 1/2 years. The issue of trust I'm finding difficult as I don't feel like I can really trust anyone (I'm afraid to be open IRL face to face - posting online is different ) . I have trust issues with men and women due to life experiences. I hope my T doesn't reject me. I'm kind of not liking her right now in case she does.

[geez]

My T emailed me. She's not big into email and her message was very short - just her style but I feel like I'm bothering her. However I do feel a little bit of relief since sending the email. Now I need to focus on staying calm for my next appointment.

This is exactly what she wrote with her signature:

Not weird. We'll talk more/differently when we meet.

[mixedup_emotions]

Originally Posted by geez

My T emailed me. She's not big into email and her message was very short - just her style but I feel like I'm bothering her. However I do feel a little bit of relief since sending the email. Now I need to focus on staying calm for my next appointment.

This is exactly what she wrote with her signature:

Not weird. We'll talk more/differently when we meet.

I'm glad your T responded, and I totally can relate to feeling like you're bothering T. But I see it a bit differently now...Emailing T on occasion allows me to express certain tough feelings that I wouldn't be able to do face-to-face...and these feelings are important. My T is ok with receiving the emails, but he doesn't like to respond (keeps it short too). But the emails do serve as a point of information and something to discuss further in session.

Some may see it as a crutch...and I admit that writing is a crutch for me...but I am working my way towards trying to talk about feelings in the moment....easier said than done! In the meantime, my T has said that writing is better than not expressing the feelings at all.

I think you did a fantastic job of getting your feelings out there, and I am sure your T appreciated the information as it will be valuable in your therapy.

[Oceanwave]

Originally Posted by geez

Oceanwave I've been going to my T on and off (mostly on than off) for 2 1/2 years. The issue of trust I'm finding difficult as I don't feel like I can really trust anyone (I'm afraid to be open IRL face to face - posting online is different ) . I have trust issues with men and women due to life experiences. I hope my T doesn't reject me. I'm kind of not liking her right now in case she does.

I hope you can discuss with her and work on these trust issues and fear of rejection. Have a good session!