[zooropa]

I've kind of convinced myself that T isn't going to be there on Monday. I don't think I would be shocked to discover her office doesn't exist at all.

It just feels like she went *poof*...gone.

I know you guys don't know the answer. I have to wait out the weekend and then on Monday morning make the hour drive to her office, wondering the whole time if she will be there or if she will remember me or if she's even still alive.

[granite1]

zoo i totally understand this feeling.my T office calls on friday to remind me and that helps .but remember has you T not showed up when she said she was going to be thare?

[Melbadaze]

Anxiety is very difficult to over come, I find it in other areas of my life, not with T so much now, time has healed that particular wound.

[WikidPissah]

yes zooropa, I am sure she will be there for you. I am sure she will remember you as well. I know how awkward it is after a break, but your T will find a way to ease that discomfort.

[ECHOES]

I understand this feeling. She will be there in reality, and then she will be back in your mind also. I once told my therapist that it not just her being away that's hard, it is the length of time too. I said that time=distance in the Therapist's Vacation/Illness formula. The farther along the timeline of her being gone, the farther away she seemed.

[WePow]

(((((((((((( Zoo )))))))))))))))

Do you think the fear you have about T being 'gone in to the void' could be related to something in your past?

Big hugs to you!!!

((((Zoo))))
I'm so sorry you are struggling with this. I hope T can ease this feeling on monday.

[zooropa]

Originally Posted by WePow

(((((((((((( Zoo )))))))))))))))

Do you think the fear you have about T being 'gone in to the void' could be related to something in your past?

Big hugs to you!!!

sure it does, wepow. Abandonment is huge for me, going way back to toddlerhood.

I guess I'm particularly anxious about this session because I don't know what to expect. In the past when T has been gone it has taken a few weeks for us to really reconnect. And I have so much I need to talk to her about.

I also have my first class Monday night (T is Monday morning) so I'm going to ask her if we can not work on trauma that day. I don't think it would be good for me to do trauma work in the morning and then have to go out at night for the first time in months that same day. I will probably be changing my T time to another day so I don't have class and T on the same day.

It's just a lot of unknowns and I don't do well with that. I expect my anxiety on Sunday night and Monday to be pretty much at the top of the scale.

(((((((((((zoo)))))))))))

I miss my T so much when he's gone, and then I'm terrified to see him when he comes back . I usually e-mail him on the Sunday before he comes back from a vacation and just say "are you there" and he says "yes" and it helps me breathe a little bit.

I think that not doing trauma work on the first day of your class is a really good idea. Maybe this session will just be about support and reconnection.

I have had some horrible sessions with T right after a break, and some wonderful ones. No matter what kind of post-vacation session I have, though, our relationship always swings back to the balanced, safe, connected place eventually. Yours will too, no matter how Monday goes.

Thinking of you

Zoo-

I agree with tree. I think that maybe calling T Sunday night or Monday morning might make you feel better. I also think T will be okay with not doing trauma work. Good luck on your first night of classes!

[zooropa]

thanks tree

I'm glad you think not doing trauma work this week is a good idea. I'm scared that T will not agree or that she'll tell me to leave since I don't want to do trauma work. I desperately want to talk to her and connect with her and BE with her in that safe place, but I think doing trauma work and then trying to put that away and go face my first day of college just won't work out and I'll end up missing my first class. That's my fear, anyway.

Rationally I'm sure T will understand, emotionally I am always afraid she will react badly when I take the reins in therapy in any way.

Anyway, it's just something for me to obsess about between now and Monday.

[googley]

(((((((((((Zoo))))))))))))

Congrats on your first day of college. That is awesome.

I'm sure your T will be okay with you not doing trauma work on the first day of classes. I think it is a wonderful idea to switch days so that you don't have classes the same day you are taking classes. When I was in school I always made sure that I didn't have classes after my T appointments, it was part of my own self care.

I hope you connect right away. You have had so much going on during this break and have taken such good care of yourself.

[jexa]

ZOO! YAY for college!! I know you can do it -- you are sooo intelligent and creative, it comes across so clearly in your posts -- school's gonna be fun!

I do think T should be fine with your asking not to do trauma work on your first day! But I know what you mean about it being scary to take the reins even when you know T will probably be fine with it. I get that way, too, like I have to stay passive and not draw attention to myself by asking for things. I guess it is a trauma reaction - try not to be noticed, don't ask for anything because if you do, you might get hurt. Always do exactly what you're told and agree with everything anyone says to you because if you don't..

It's something that can be overcome, zoo. I think it takes practice in asserting yourself. I know how hard that is, but asking for these things in T is GREAT practice!

(((zoo))) how are you doing today ?

[zooropa]

Originally Posted by katlover251

(((zoo))) how are you doing today ?

thanks for asking kat

I'm okay. Only slept a couple of hours, but I feel ok. I'm just spending today listening to an audiobook and knitting and trying to enjoy one last day of peace before I start school. I'm excited about college which is part of why I didn't sleep. I'm also anxious about and at the same time looking forward to therapy.

I wish my T hadn't locked down her facebook so at least I could peek on there and see if she's posted and if so I'd know for sure she's still out there in the world.

[granite1]

hey zoo i'm so wishing you all kinds of luck and good times at college tomorrow and also with your T.thanks for all your support these days

[zooropa]

ugh. I just got a call from an unknown number. I'm convinced it was T calling to cancel, or someone calling to cancel on her behalf. I'm going to die waiting to see if they leave a voicemail.

oh, wait, no it was just my ex. HOLY COW I convinced myself it was T. Now I feel like I got a get out of jail free card, lol.

[googley]

((((((((((Zoo))))))))))

I'm so glad it was not your T calling to cancel. I hope you have a good appointment.

((((zoo)))) How did T go?

[mixedup_emotions]

(((( zoo ))))

Hope your session with T went well...and class too!!! Post when you can!

[googley]

((((((((((Zoo))))))))))))

Hope everything went okay. Thinking of you.