[Melbadaze]

On monday had an intense session where feelings of abandoment were named, felt, cried over, raged over, and I saw where these feelings have haunted me my entire life, accept like I said in a previous reply to someone, I didnt know what they were, they were just there, like baggage hanging on my shoulder, suddenly they were mine, it was my life, my story, my reality. So I woke yesterday and just couldn't face going to work, having to deal with customers and these emotions was more than I felt I could juggle and I took of to the coast and sat on a bench and continued frantically emailing T, I could see myself doing it, but coudlnt stop, I was going between getting comfort from her, to telling her to stop messing with my head and go away!

She continued to reply and I said "Look, your just not going to get it right no matter what you say or do" and she replied "Yes that might be true but I can try", that was so soothing, the fact that she was going to stick with it and try, what a statement, then I replied later a bit more calmer can't even remember what exactly but ended with, "get me out of this nightmare" and she replied that I was feeling the feelings that never got intergrated as a young baby and now protesting, something I couldnt ever do as a baby nor child",.

"Protesting", I realised that was what all the frantic emailing was actually about and my insides stopped and the here and now returned. She was right, she said this is important to remember this happened in the past, its about the past, that my wanting to control her totally was because I had to fight for crumbs growing up and the fear of abandoment again means trying to hold on tight to people today, but its people in the past this happened with.

I kept thinking about the "intergrate the feelings" statement, I feel like I've this part of me that isn't inside of me but sticks out on my hip and as i go through life it keeps bumping into things, but because I'm not completely aware of it as being part of me, my distress, my rage, my saddness about the past, I dont move out the way and help it, I just keep smashing into life with it hoping for a different result, but talking to T and having her place all of this is the different result, makes me stop, take a look down at my hip and see this thing thats projecting out of me and bit by bit reclaiming it.

I felt exhausted after yesterday, proberbly all the re-experiencing that went on, and I awoke this morning like I had a hang over, almost like I'd been drunk the day before and trying to remember what went on and was it me?

[Sannah]

Good work Melba..........

[sittingatwatersedge]

((((((((((((((( Mdaze ))))))))))))))))) this is very deep. I think you are doing great work (hard work, but still wonderful work!!) Your T knows you well.
Thanks for posting this, you have given me a lot to think about too.

[WePow]

Melba, wow. It feels like you understand how I feel inside my skin! ((( And that makes me really want to give you safe hugs!!! )))) I am so so sorry that you know this type of agony. I have been there - yesterday was one of those days. You did the RIGHT thing by emailing T and letting that raw emotion come out and be heard. That is what was missing - as a child, you were unable to be heard.

All the rage and hate and grief, all of that was what you had the RIGHT to feel as a child who was wounded. But you were unable to feel it and go through it as a child. I saw a haunting photo one day on a survivor website that showed a small girl about 4 years old with curly blond hair and baby blue eyes. The image was just her head and it showed a large adult hand over her mouth.

That image hit me in the gut. That little girl was me. Not actually, but that was exactly what who I was. And it sounds like that little girl was you too.

Now is the time for you as an adult to pull that abusers hand off the mouth of that innocent person inside of you. Let her yell and scream and cry. Let her call the bad people names if that helps. It is her right to be upset about those things done against her.

Once the child is heard, there comes peace.

[Melbadaze]

wpow, I wrote this post before I read your post your wrote yesterday and could see clear similarity's, I was nodding my head in empathy as I read your post and found it quite surreal. I also only last week was standing at a check out in a store and was looking at the magazines that normally sit there and there was a picture of a child of about a yr old, her hopeful eyes looking upwards, the vulnerability on her face made me turn my head away fast. I've never done that before, I just couldn't look at her incase someone took that away from her and hurt her, I think I understand why now.

[MissCharlotte]

Melba, I think you're brave to feel those feelings and your T is something else--willing to engage back and forth like that while you faced the demons. Sometimes when I feel these overwhelming feelings of rage, and frustration and I just can't take it anymore I do have such a hard time staying in the feeling. I seek to ditch it, push it away; it seems tooo much to carry all that old pain around. I told T the bags were too heavy.

I really identified with your story of the little girl in the supermarket. I was watching a film the other night and there was a young couple with a little girl at the table eating her supper. The father was drunk and started smacking the mom around and yelling at her really loud. The little girl started to cry, calling her mom. I so identified with her (the child). It was heartbreaking and made me realize how confused and frightened I must have been when all these scenes played out before my eyes as a little girl.

Yes, we had a right to the rage but those feelings are too much for a young child to manage so we compartmentalized, dissociated, and put those away for another day -- now.