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Old Sep 21, 2010, 04:23 PM
Anonymous29412
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Session today.

I went in feeling reaaaaallllllly anxious. The last session was unbelievably hard, and then over the weekend I sent him an e-mail about sex. I told him that while i was driving there, instead of feeling like I was driving to my safe spot, I felt like I was driving to a torture chamber.

We didn't talk about the sex e-mail AT ALL. I'm not sure why. I got lost in childhood stuff again, which is what happens right now when it's quiet in there. It's like a slideshow going through my head, image after image after image. It's overwhelming. And my mom is apparently trying to sober up (for the 7495749205872th time), and that is weirdly triggering and makes the slide show even worse. I think we spent most of the session on that. It felt overwhelming and finally I told T I couldn't do it anymore and we backed off.

I kept wondering if he or I would bring up the e-mail, but neither of us did. Partly, it didn't make sense in the context of what was going on, and partly...how freakishly uncomfortable would it be to talk about that stuff in person?

at the end of session when he was sitting with me, I asked him "are there some things that are uncomfortable for you to talk about?" and he said that there are. He said some things are scary, or embarrassing, or too intimate and he feels kind of like a voyeur (?).
I left him a message and said that I didn't know why we didn't talk about it. If it was just too uncomfortable, or if the other stuff was pushing at me too much, or....? I told him he has to buck up and talk about it with me because I need to talk about it because it's big in my head when i'm alone and I need it to be smaller and more okay.

I said maybe we could start out sitting next to each other on the couch next time. I know HE is more open that way, and I think I am too...maybe because we're not just sitting there staring across the room at each other.

but I don't know, now I'm thinking that I'll sit in the therapy chair next time and have him sit on the couch. sometimes he will let me "play therapist". Maybe that would work.

Or maybe my teen part will come out and just let him have it.

I don't know. I don't know how I feel. i felt HORRIBLE after session - too much childhood flashback crap - but now I feel better. i took klonopin, that helps. and i'm kind of refocused on this thing. I'm probably using it to avoid the childhood stuff. Or maybe I DO need to talk about it. or maybe both.

confused, as usual!
Thanks for this!
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  #2  
Old Sep 21, 2010, 05:22 PM
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objtrbit objtrbit is offline
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Yeah, I'm with you there with the anxiety around waiting for e-mails; sending out something really important, all vulnerable, and then-
nothing. As a therapist, he may not want to bring it up until you do, therefore only working through what you are mentally prepared to; he may feel that by bring it up, he would be "running the session". I do hate that kind of feeling though;

Just for you to think about, what do you think held you back from bringing it up? It seems that you are real deep in therapy, having all those flashbacks; so it's gotta be hard trying to work through those and then have to worry about the e-mail too.

As to whether or not to continue talking about the slideshows-I think you should talk about whatever comes to your mind, that way you can pick it apart a peice at a time. I think your safe place starting to feel like a torture chamber-I'm thinkin that's because your talking more about what happened to you, which is really hard.

I wish you the best while you're going through this, I hope your able to communicate all the things you felt/are feeling with your T the next session, too. Hang in there!
  #3  
Old Sep 21, 2010, 06:09 PM
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geez geez is offline
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((Tree)) I can relate about sending emails with your feelings and thoughts in them and having no response from T about it. It has happened to me a couple times and I feel the need to address these 'subjects' that I've sent in journal form or email form. The problem for me is in te context of being in the room with T other things seem to come up that play a bigger importance in that moment. I wish I could have access to my T 24/7 then when these feelings erupt I could figure them out and process them right then. ... If life were perfect

I hope you can address the email and I think you are very brave for leaving a message to your T about talking about it at your next session. Awesome job for asking what you need. You inspire me!

Hope your next session is soon to get you some relief and peace of mind.

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Old Sep 21, 2010, 06:36 PM
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WePow WePow is offline
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(((( Tree )))))))
  #5  
Old Sep 21, 2010, 06:45 PM
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googley googley is offline
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(((((((((((((Tree)))))))))))))
  #6  
Old Sep 21, 2010, 08:23 PM
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zooropa zooropa is offline
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Quote:
instead of feeling like I was driving to my safe spot, I felt like I was driving to a torture chamber.
gosh, I've had this feeling so many times. It's hard, I think it actually creates some cognitive dissonance, driving to what is at once my safe place AND a torture chamber.

I'm glad you have klonopin to help you right now, tree. I know how torn up I feel after a session like that and how hard it is to stop those slideshows once they start.

You're doing hard work, tree. Be gentle with yourself, ok?
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  #7  
Old Sep 21, 2010, 10:47 PM
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just lots of hugs for what you are going through
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  #8  
Old Sep 21, 2010, 10:55 PM
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MissCharlotte MissCharlotte is offline
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(((Tree)))

I struggled for a long time before I could discuss sex. It was a topic that was impossible for me to bring up but eventually it got to the point where it was like "the elephant in the room." So I just tackled it head on. When we finally ended that session I was so relieved!

I don't think the reason it didn't come up has to one or the other. It could be a combination of both of those things you mentioned and other factors as well. You will discuss it when you can. Good work!

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