T cried

I was telling T some of what's been going on in my life this past week. She said "I have a feeling of pride in me right now...I'm so proud of you. It's so wonderful to watch you healing and watch you moving ahead and rejoining life" and her eyes filled up with tears. It was an amazingly authentic moment.

A lot of the session was bad. Well not bad, hard. Really really hard. I just got home a few minutes ago and feel, again, like I've been shattered and just trying to hold the pieces together.

I guess I'm doing that by posting here and reminding myself how much my T cares, and breathing. Just breathing.

That is so awesome.

that is so awesome, zoo! Not that it was hard (obviously!), but that your T was SO there with you. I'm not sure what I would do if my T did that I hope you save this post for when you are feeling unsure of your relationship to her.

I got home and pretty much fell apart. I ended up in my bed, just trying to feel safe. Then I fell asleep and T called and the phone woke me up and scared the crap out of me, which sent me into another flashback. I don't even know what she said or what I said or anything, but my phone says I talked to her for 8 minutes. I hope it wasn't anything too important.

(( zoo ))

That's so touching. I'm envious of the level of caring that you receive from your T....even though you're dealing with such tough stuff at the moment. Allowing yourself to be vulnerable and then picking up the pieces afterwards, week after week, is exhausting. Please try to get some rest, ok? I care about you, zoo!!

thanks mue

It's another opportunity for me to practice self-care. I have a hard time with that, but it's getting better. Calling T is one kind of self-care, but I'm figuring out that not calling T every time is another kind. Letting myself stand on my own 2 feet and feel strong, or feel anything, is the next step in my healing process. It's like...I didn't need T at all (when I first started therapy) and then I went through the process of un-numbing, un-freezing, and then I needed T allll the time, and now maybe MAYBE I don't need her every single time I get a little wobbly.

I say I want to depend on myself, to find the strength inside myself that I need to move ahead, and I think I'm realizing that the only way I'll ever get that is to just start doing it, little by little. It is scary as hell. But not as scary as depending totally on T and then being bereft and empty when I lose her. I am so afraid that I'll go back to the way I was before.

just coming back to say that the more I think about it the more freaked out I am about having talked to T and not having any recollection of the conversation.

I think I might email her about it, because it feels like something I don't want to wait to talk about next week but also not big enough to call her about. I guess, for me, that's when email can be handy. It's kind of in between talking and not talking.

Zooropa, thanks for sharing the story of that moment. Your T was so moved by your progress and healing. I love that she shared that with you.

Do you know why your T called you? Usually Ts don't call clients out of the blue. Could be worth asking her why she called. Maybe she scheduled you for an appointment tomorrow and you should know about that! (JK)

rofl! That would be the one phone call I don't remember.

no, sorry I wasn't clear, I think she was returning a message I left her earlier. Which I kind of remember leaving, but not really. I think I may have spent most of the afternoon/evening in a dissociated fugue state.

((((Zooropa)))
You are so brave and you are trying so hard.
I know how hard it is to use good coping skills and practice self-care - I know because I can never do it!

So I just wanted to give a bit of encouragement, and some hugs.

((((((Zoo)))))) Oh how I hate the dissociative states!! Esp when I send emails and T says "What did you mean by this?" and I have pictures a little alter drew but I have no emotional connection to the picture and just barely remember what the email was about! Urrrr!! Can you check inside to see if you can feel the answer to the phone call question?

all I can do is send hugs
(((zoo)))

((((zoo)))) I hope you do find out what you and T talked about. Those times of not remembering are really scary sometimes.

I am really touched by this, zoo -- if you ever ever ever doubt whether T really cares again, I am SO shoving this in your face But seriously zoo -- I am touched by your healing too -- I think it's AMAZING what you've been doing, facing fears, going back to school, plodding through this awful terrible difficult work so you can come out stronger on the other side.

I woke up to a text from T this morning. It says "remember to be mindful of current emotion. experience emotion as long as possible then distract, if necessary. U can do this!"

It was pretty nice to know she was thinking of me and to start out my day feeling that support from her.

I did email her about the phone call and got a response. She said I called her and she called me back a couple of hours later, and I was still really upset. She said we talked about what skills I could use and that I told her I was so scared and felt so unsafe, and that she told me how to make sure I'm safe (to check the doors, charge my phone, check the nooks and crannies so I could know nobody was in my apartment).

She also said not to worry too much about whether I could remember the conversation. I might have been asleep when she called or I might have been "too emotionally charged".

I called her tonight because I had to take a bus home (trigger) and it was after dark (trigger) and I had to wait alone outside in the dark for 45 mins (trigger). She was pretty amazingly supportive through that, too. She keeps telling me, every time we talk, to call her if I want to or need to.

I've been through an emotional wringer the last 2 days and I'm beaten down and sad and scared but part of me feels okay because I know I have T and I have amazing, astoundingly supportive friends.

Aw, I am loving that you got a text from T.

What a hard week it's been for you! What kinds of things are you doing to take care of yourself? It sounds like you need a break.
I hope you get one soon.

((((Zoo)))) You really are doing so awesome in how you keep allowing yourself to get help from T that you need. I know it may not feel big to you right now, but all these steps you are taking is transforming you into the strong person you want to feel like you are. ((I say it that way because you already are that strong person but you just don't feel it yet)). Good job!

(((((((((((((Zoo))))))))))))))

I do need a break. Right now I'm just taking some time alone this morning to enjoy my coffee and breathe. Today I have a couple things to go out and do but hopefully it won't be too stressful.

Another online community that I'm active in suffered a devastating loss yesterday and we are all reeling. But also pulling together and surrounding each other with love.

Zooropa-
Therapy is hard work. Somebody told me that here on PC. Your T sounds like she is being really supportive here and has a sense of what you need. You are really courageously putting forth a lot of hard work. I am also glad to hear you acknowledge that you need a break. (thanks Darkrunner) Practice being really gentle with yourself.