Connecting with T

This week was very interesting with sessions. I went on Tue and it was very disconnected. I had missed him so much, but it was like I just took all the stuff I had been holding - stuff about tons of flashbacks and all that I didn't write in email when he was gone - and just dumped it on his lap and ran out the door. I was so dissociative and the session started almost thirty min late and then was over on time almost - something he never does with me (but I don't mind because he goes over ALL the time). But it just felt so bad in so many ways.

Thankfully, that Tue session was an extra one he had set up for me. So I got to go back on Wed. I was SOOOOO thankful for that !!!!!
I had my list of things I needed to talk about - and T told me I was "funny" :-) I am a bit OCD and one of the first things on my list was that I wanted him to tell me something he stated to tell me several sessions ago but I cut him off and I wanted to hear him. So he told me what it was and it was cool - something he learned in a therapy workshop about the brain.

But then I decided to follow my own advice and hit some of the harder issues - issues of being honest with T about some things. One of the things was about an email I sent to him several weeks ago when going through the very bad stuff, and I specifically asked him to tell me something. I NEEDED that and expected him to answer because we had been working on stating our needs. But he didn't answer that email. And it hurt me in a deep way. I was going to do what I always do and stay silent and smile - to not let the person know how much I am hurt or just how very deeply the pain can go. But instead, I told T.

MY T APPOLOGIZED !!!!

He didn't try to make an excuse, even though I did find out later that he had something going on for him. But he said I was right to ask for what I needed from him and he was sorry he missed that. It was so honest and so real. And it floored me!!!!

And then I told him about a couple of other things that happened in the session the day before - stuff about me getting very triggered because he handed me back my flashback pictures my little alters drew - and I felt it as an authority just totally dismissing what I had shared with them that meant a lot to me - stuff that took a whole ton of courage to share - and they would look at me and smile then send me on my way without a second thought. We talked about that and he assured me that he was not doing that and it did matter to him.

Then we talked about a comment he made on Tuesday about my not emailing him while he was on vacation. He told me I could. But I decided to not do it because I wanted to see if I could make my own boundary for my own growth. Ugggs - that was a tough lesson. But T allows me to learn and grow - of all the nerve . But he made a comment that "It would not have mattered" to him if I would have emailed when he was on vacation. My PTSD hypersensitivity kicked into overdrive with that comment on Tuesday!!!! Sooooo I told him. He listened so calmly to how I heard it - I heard "It would not have mattered to me one way or the other if you sent me an email because I was on vacation and would not have read it anyway!" Then he said "I can certainly see how you would have gotten that out of what I said. Let me see if I can say this a different way." Then he thought for several min and was stopping himself then starting again and finally told me that it did matter to him and he would have read my emails. I just would not have been disturbing him if I had written him. W O W

That was one of the best sessions... I am so thankful I had the courage to share that with my T. It is so hard for those of us who have been through intense abuse to ever trust. We trust and get smacked down emotionally. Then we trust again - just looking for something we hear others tell us exists - something that sounds as hard to find as the Holy Graile. But we want it more than anything in life. We just want to be able to trust just ONE human in this entire univers to not harm us - to honestly care and not hurt us. And even though I am still not certain that this exists, sometimes with my T I feel that maybe - just maybe - I am at least being able to catch a glimpse of what it feels like to trust another person.

((((((((((((WePow))))))))))))))))))

GOOD for you!

I am learning that the more honest I allow myself to be with T, especially about him and our relationship, the deeper and more connected our relationship becomes. Such a risk!!! - but so worth it.

I'm proud of you for taking those big risks...and I'm glad the payoff was more connection with T

((((((((((WePow))))))))))))))

That is so awesome. I'm so glad that he listened and was able to respond in a good way.

WePow- glad that your T was able to be there for you and give you what you needed!

wpow, good stuff!

That sounds like such a great session, WePow! So honest.

I loved this interchange. I loved how you were able to check your assumptions about what he had said and he could clarify his intent, instead of your forever believing the worst about what he had said. You saved yourself a lot of unnecessary grief and pain and helped make your relationship with your T even stronger.

WePow, this kind of honesty is SO brave and so healing. I agree with the others -- you totally rock. I have so much hope for your healing because of your honesty and courage.

WePow, your post is making me smile. What a wonderful session you had! I am very glad that you chose to tell T your feelings about his behavior in the past. I'm happy that he apologized to you.

You deserve to have someone in your life whom you can trust. I like how your relationship with your T is developing, and how honest you are becoming with him. Thanks so much for sharing it with us.

Oh Wepow,
You told your T you had needs. I am sure this is just light years ahead of where you started. I know that you have had a lot of trauma in your life and that goes with not having your needs met or your needs just blatantly disrespected.

My first couple months in therapy my pdoc said something about me doing what I had to (calling him) to get my needs met and I was like WTF I don't have needs you A#*hole. I was a robot with no needs. At least that is what I thought I was.

Now however I sometimes tell my t straight up in a really dry tone, "S you just aren't meeting my needs." and he laughs. It does feel good to say that doesn't it?

So good job girl. Keep up the good work. It feels good to be connected, it feels good to not feel bad about needs, it feels good to know that your t cares.