[Melbadaze]

There proberbly are others like me, but normally I've found people are the other way around from me. I'm talking about Love and anger, I won't say Love and hate because I've never felt hate to be Loves oppersite, indifference is the oppersite of love, but what am I talking about? well I grew up in a angry household, it was allowed, maybe met with more anger, but no one stopped being angry, so I'm not looking for someone to be angry with, I've always been looking for someone to love. Strange I remember T saying once that that some people need to fill the therapy space with anger others need it filled with being cared for.

Anyways I've so badly wanted to find someone to accept my love, and I was at family party yesterday and as I sat in a room with mainly people I didnt recognise (hubbys inlaws) I kept myself comforted with thoughts of my love for T. In the past a room full of people would have been an oppertunity for me to find that special someone, dont ask me how that wounded dance went with this, especially before I gave up alcohol, there I'd be like some wounded banjee but really what I was screaming was is there someone safe here to love.

This not having found a safe base for my love kept me restless, kept me searching, now? I feel more whole, more able to just be me in a room full of strangers because there was nothing I needed, I've got it, memorys of having given my love and it been accepted, lovely!

I've always wanted love, but was pre-wired for anger, I feel like an anger junkie that needed its fix, but the addiction wasn't who I was, underneath the anger is love, but so afraid to allow it to be, so I've raped it, murdered it, tortured it.

Sitting with thoughts of love is priceless!

[WePow]

" really what I was screaming was is there someone safe here to love. "

Wow. That is something very powerful to think about - and very honest.
I am glad you were able to find comfort in thoughts about your T though.
I can empathise with looking for someone safe to love - to talk with - but being too afraid to open a conversation as I always knew it would end with more pain for me.

Somehow I started to just accept that most people were hurting as badly as I was on the inside, but they just put on a good act. For some reason, I thought that those who acted the happiest were hurting the most in secret. No idea where I came up with that idea, but that was what I came up with.

[MissCharlotte]

Hi Melba, interesting post. Thanks. I grew up in an angry h ouse too, and I am just now realizing that I thought of anger as an expression of love. So love wasn't always kind or sweet or reciprocal or even gentle. Love was anger, and hurt. I think it's where the relationship with self and self harm are connected. I like your definition of love better.

:hug;

[lissangil]

These things are alot for me to ponder.I appreciate your ability to be transparent and introspective.Thank you.