[jazzy123456]

Has it ever just hit you like a flood...all of the memories from sessions...all of the work you've done...all of the stories...its sent me into some type of dissociative state...where all I want is to run away from all the pain and all the emotions...I even want to run away from therapy because I know they are causing all of the painful emotions, if I wasn't in therapy...I wouldn't be feeling all of this...I might not even be thinking about it.

And most of all, I feel alone in it...no matter how many times I go out with friends, or spend time with family...actually I have started to do it more often...then usual...it doesn't matter if I'm with people...I feel like I've built this huge wall for my friends and family to knock down...since most of my friends came from my college---when I dropped out of college...I felt so ashamed....and people knew I was dealing with depression, so I know some rumors were probably floating around. So, I began to distance myself from people. Then my best-guy friend I trusted helped foster a unhealthy relationship, which separated me from another group of my friends. I feel like I do it less but, I still walk around carrying these feelings and thoughts of all of the bad things I have discussed in therapy around with me, subconsciously though...and feel like whenever people will try to get to know me, they will see those parts of me...because of that, I'm too ashamed to let anyone in...no matter how painful this wall I've built is...its not coming down...I feel alone and helpless tonight. and want to get rid of the pain by quitting therapy. but, i don't know.?

[jenkins09]

Damn, I feel your pain. My opinion is that as painful as therapy is, and can be, it is much better than the alternative. The alternative is staying stuck, living with poor coping skills, and ineffective behavior.

We are not BAD, we are living life with the cards we were dealt as kids, how we viewed our parents interacting, and what they taught us. I wish I could take the shame away, its not yours to hold. I wish you well.

[jazzy123456]

I wish you well too...what if your parents don't validate your life? that you had real issues and true problems...how do you cope then?> at this point, it is ALL of my shame because my parents are sure of themselves that my childhood was near perfect...

no matter the past, the future and present will speak
regardless of how good or bad we had it
pain is still in this world. and I will still feel it.
No, it wasn't the life my mom or dad had but,
it had pain in it.
and yes, it is true, we are living with the cards life dealt us
whether by parents or by bullies
and the shame is so hard to let go of.
thank you and i wish u well too.

[WePow]

(((((Jazzy)))) It is very natural to shut down after being so exposed emotionally. To dissociate is a way the brain has of just not allowing anything to matter any longer. It keeps us away from the big emotions that flood us when doing trauma work. It is ok to be at this stage because it will pass when the brain senses it is safe to come out again and allow life back into the system.

But while we are going through this yucky dissociated stage, it feels sad and lonely. That is because we are shut off from not only those overwhelming yuck emotions, but we are also shut off from the good stuff that happens when we are with friends. That is the high price of dissociation.

BIG HUGS!!!

[madisgram]

jazzy i recall a time in my therapy when we were rooting around with my "stuff" that the pain felt unbearable. BUT in order to heal within i knew i had to go thru the pain to get to the other side. you may want to bring this up with your T. tell him how you feel. what is going to happen as you sift thru the mire you will learn new coping skills to deal with your pain and ways to process these things better in the future too. it will help minimize depression in the future. so i encourage you to continue therapy. when you're with your T it is a safe place to let these things surface. you have been carrying around a huge sack of hurt that you can unload in therapy. all the junk from the past that has made you feel "less than".
and no you are not a loser by having to drop out of school. your depression/that sack i mentioned- is bogging you down. once you start to heal you will be able to return to school if you want to.
so try not to be discouraged right now. you are on a journey to a new and improved you!!!

[jazzy123456]

Thanks Wepow

Originally Posted by madisgram

jazzy i recall a time in my therapy when we were rooting around with my "stuff" that the pain felt unbearable. BUT in order to heal within i knew i had to go thru the pain to get to the other side. you may want to bring this up with your T. tell him how you feel. what is going to happen as you sift thru the mire you will learn new coping skills to deal with your pain and ways to process these things better in the future too. it will help minimize depression in the future. so i encourage you to continue therapy. when you're with your T it is a safe place to let these things surface. you have been carrying around a huge sack of hurt that you can unload in therapy. all the junk from the past that has made you feel "less than".
and no you are not a loser by having to drop out of school. your depression/that sack i mentioned- is bogging you down. once you start to heal you will be able to return to school if you want to.
so try not to be discouraged right now. you are on a journey to a new and improved you!!!

And thanks Madigram thanks for the encouragement.
i am very discouraged about everything right now and I would agree that I need to find different ways to cope with my pain.
sometimes i wonder if in order to heal, i have to go through the pain though, sometimes I think not acknowledging it and focusing on the positive would help me recover quicker but, most of the time I hear otherwise.