[WikidPissah]

I've only been seeing him for 4 mos...I don't trust him, I'm not even sure I like him, it's only been 2 wks into our break....SO why do I FREAKIN miss him?

I'm sitting here remembering a session several weeks back, where I told him some benign family secrets (not the bad stuff) and I kind of mentally left the room at one point. So I leaned forward in my chair with my hands clenched in front of me looking down at the floor. And he talked me back, somehow he got in close, moved his chair forward and leaned forward, but not to close...but close enough so I "felt" him there. And it didn't freak me out, and I didn't run, and it was ok.

Ugh...this is weird for me...I've had several T's, but that was a connection that one time...and now I'm thinking of it, and now I want to connect again...but I can't because we're on a break, and I am supposed to not care about not seeing him cause I don't get attached to anyone...and....crap...

What is this?

[SenatorPenguin8081]

Originally Posted by Eileen2010

I've only been seeing him for 4 mos...I don't trust him, I'm not even sure I like him, it's only been 2 wks into our break....SO why do I FREAKIN miss him?

I'm sitting here remembering a session several weeks back, where I told him some benign family secrets (not the bad stuff) and I kind of mentally left the room at one point. So I leaned forward in my chair with my hands clenched in front of me looking down at the floor. And he talked me back, somehow he got in close, moved his chair forward and leaned forward, but not to close...but close enough so I "felt" him there. And it didn't freak me out, and I didn't run, and it was ok.

Ugh...this is weird for me...I've had several T's, but that was a connection that one time...and now I'm thinking of it, and now I want to connect again...but I can't because we're on a break, and I am supposed to not care about not seeing him cause I don't get attached to anyone...and....crap...

What is this?

Hey Eileen. When do you see him next?
You think your gonna tell him what you told us when you see him next? I'd be curious to see his reaction to the matter. Maybe it isn't about some pathological attachment. Maybe you just feel like he might actually care and might actually be good and you connected and you want to work on your issues more with him. There is nothing wrong with that at all.

I want to connect with my T again, but that will have to wait a month or likely longer. I feel as though I have a lot to talk about. I haven't seen him for like, 6 months. So, I'm seeing someone who might be able to help in the interim period next week until I can see him again. I still would rather go back to my T because of the fact that I AM connected with him. Nothing wrong with connections.

[ladyjrnlist]

Sounds like you are trying too hard not to connect, but you are connecting anyway. I fought it for months. Now I'm totally hooked on my T. Lotta trust has to be obtained to do that.

[WikidPissah]

Originally Posted by SenatorPenguin8081

Hey Eileen. When do you see him next?

no set appt. I am on a 12 - 14 wk break from T, I was dx'd with breast c.....need to do surgeries and hopefully just radiation....but it's a lot of medical appts, and a lot of copays...so I had to cut back somewhere....

I am not trying to NOT connect...just I been in T with a few different T's for 3 yrs...and I am not the connecting type. I think that I'm just really emotional right now and over estimating the connection. Crap...it may never happen again, so if I move things...find cash...make an appt with T...that connect probably won't be there.

Ha...look at me, I just answered my own question..."what is this?"...it's nothing, just emotions complicated by a medical scare....that's all....heck, I can handle that!!

[SenatorPenguin8081]

Originally Posted by Eileen2010

no set appt. I am on a 12 - 14 wk break from T, I was dx'd with breast c.....need to do surgeries and hopefully just radiation....but it's a lot of medical appts, and a lot of copays...so I had to cut back somewhere....I am not trying to NOT connect...just I been in T with a few different T's for 3 yrs...and I am not the connecting type. I think that I'm just really emotional right now and over estimating the connection. Crap...it may never happen again, so if I move things...find cash...make an appt with T...that connect probably won't be there.
Ha...look at me, I just answered my own question..."what is this?"...it's nothing, just emotions complicated by a medical scare....that's all....heck, I can handle that!!

Ah. I see. First off, let me say that my mother is a 10 year breast cancer survivor! ! ! ! I'm a young man too, so I've seen her struggle with this my entire adult life. Some of my greatest inspirations in life came from the friends my mother made in chemotherapy and radiation. She is now in remission FYI Stress is the last thing you need right now.

Fortunately, in many cases this type of cancer is usually very treatable. Do you have a good team of doctors? Responsive to your questions, direct in their answers, presents all options and treats you as a whole person who can make up her own mind? Secondly, I REALLY think maybe you should find another way to see your T more frequently. You NEED strong emotional support during this time. Have you asked your T if he works on a sliding scale? My T did more than one session with me where he only charged me for 30-45 mins when I really had 90 min sessions when I was going through a hard financial time when I lost my insurance (because I lost my job and also my apartment!)

At the VERY LEAST, I think you need to call him when you feel down and out, especially now that you felt some sort of connection with him. If you presented it accurately, your T really sounds helpful and supportive and interested in your development and wants you to reach out.

For heavens sake, he rather effectively and intentionally PULLED you out of your dissociative state when you were blinking out on him. I think you should give him a little credit, and go beyond your comfort zone and reach out a little more. I don't think he is going to bite. In fact, my T has acted similar to that before with me too (I have Generalized Anxiety Disorder and trauma issues on top of the ADHD and so I've experienced disassociation before in his office). It means something that he not only recognized your dissociative state, but that he was also able to connect with you and bring you out of it.

I have seen VERY BAD T's and MD psychiatrists over the last few years, and I learned from my own mistakes in judgment. I know the difference between over-estimation of the skill and "help" from a T or other doctor. I've flat out walked out on a really unprofessional psychiatrist before and also dealt with really bad T's before (luck of the draw, it's not like I'm honey and they're bees lol ) There are doctors and then there are doctors. There are T's and then there are T's. Yours sounds like a decent one.

I agree about trying to maintain and build on and work with that connection with your T. Does your work have an EAP, and if so, is your T one of the list providers? Can you ask him if you can pay later or have a reduced fee schedule like a sliding scale or something? Tell him what you told us. I think he would probably be happy that he helped and will probably want to keep working with you. Does he know that you have ca?

[sugahorse1]

THere's nothing wrong with connecting - I hope you get to see your T again real soon

[WikidPissah]

senator...it's very early and very treatable...thank God for annual screenings and early detection. I will be fine in a couple of mos. It really should be no big deal...it is a bit of a head game though.

So...I am thinking that I will email or call T today, just to touch base, maybe set up appt....I don't know...we'll see what happens.

[jexa]

((((((Eileen))))))) After last session ended the way it did I think an extra session is in order anyway. I hope you're able to pull the funds together to see T during this time. If I were you I'd need T during this time more than ever.

[WikidPissah]

I called, he called back. He said "I was hoping you would call" wtf? I don't know what that means?

Anyways, my time slot...tomorrow afternoon...is still open, so I am gonna go. I am totally not counting on connecting though.