[Ncal1986]

I've used these forums for support (without posting anything) for years but I am in a really bad place and I don't know where or what it is.

Just as a primer: I have PTSD from childhood stuff, and EDNOS (purging type), both of which I am in treatment for with a wonderful therapist whom I see twice a week.

I am a really put together person even with all the stuff I'm working through, but this last week (or two?) I feel like my life has completely fallen apart. For the first time I alternate between staying up all night and then sleeping 20 hours. I've missed all my classes, my grades are going to drop from A/Bs to failing, and I've run out of money for food, but am not telling anyone because I'm embarrassed and because somehow not eating all day isn't that bad. I don't think it's related to the eating disorder because I could have NEVER gone a day without food, I think it's more like self harm, it's distracting me from the fact that my life just collapsed.

I also have prescriptions for Adderall and Klonopin (legit), but only after the sleeping and food problems started did I start taking Adderall because it numbed my hunger and Klonopin so I can sleep a regular nights sleep.

What scares me the most is that I'm already doing what I'm supposed to do - I'm seeing a great therapist who will now see me 3 times a week since I've broken down, I'm on anti-depressents that work (I'm not depressed just super panicky and feel trapped) and I'm not purging. With my kind of issues people usually advise to get professional help, but I already am!

What does it mean when you're getting the best treatment and you still fall apart? Is this something normal, to be fine for a long time and then have new symptoms and feel totally out of control, like you don't know what you'll do or what will happen one day to the next?

Sorry this is so long, it's just that I can't talk about this with anyone because once I tell them I'm already in treatment, they don't know what to say. I'm just really scared, I feel like out of nowhere I fell off a boat into the sea. If anyone has advice/similar experiences/anything, it would really help me. Thanks

[bpd mess]

I don't know if this is the same thing, but there have been a number of times when I have really fallen apart and felt totally out of control. Later I made a major break through in therapy. My t says it has something to do with me resisting and being terrified of changing. I tend to take my steps backwards before moving forward. I don't know if this is happening to you, but you might want to think about it.

wow, you sound like you're in a pretty difficult spot. i wonder if you could possibly be having some sort of manic or hypomanic episode. did you recently go on the anti-depressant? if you haven't called your pdoc i'd do so asap and notify them of what is happening. this could be med related. have you notified your T as to what is happening? if not please reach out to T so they can help you. take care and let us know how you are.

[WikidPissah]

hi...sorry things are so difficult for you right now. I hope that you are being really honest with your T about food and stuff...it's important that someone IRL knows whats going on. It's not uncommon to do really well for a while then go thru a really hard spot. It's part of the process. A two week dip is difficult, but you are doing the right things, by upping appts and taking meds and all. You need to eat, regularly, to keep your mind working correctly. Without the proper nutrition your brain will misfire. It happens just skipping one or two meals...even more so if you are skipping days. Get to a food pantry...just need basics...proteins....beans, peanut butter, nuts...some simple carbs like fruits and veggies. Gotta keep the mind fueled...it is MAJOR.

[Ncal1986]

Thank you all so much for your insight and advice... My therapist has mentioned before that it's normal to feel emotionally volatile before something big comes up in therapy. Usually I just completely shut down and feel numb but this may be a different form of that.

I'm being really honest with my therapist, she is so great that things I can barely even articulate out loud I've told her. She's always careful with me and if I'm upset with her for something totally illogical or in my head, she'll still draw it out of me so we can talk about it and process it...I'm really lucky to have her.

I've been on the same anti-depresent for about 3 years now - what I hesitated to talk about before and sometimes don't mention in full detail with my therapist is that I think I may be using Adderall and Klonopin to control how I function through the day (Klonopin induced naps, low dose of Adderall before I go out with friends). I'm scared because at times I actually need these medicines, I just wish I wasn't taking them so freely. This may have to do with the start of the sleeping problems. I've also been smoking pot everyday for the last few weeks and I know that makes it hard to wake up in the morning. These are things I'll bring up tomorrow in session (therapist said it was okay for me to meet with her on a weekend since I was feeling so unstable - I am so thankful)

Thank you all for your support, I didn't mean to just dump all this on you. I know everyone is going through struggles that affect them personally and I appreciate you all for taking the time to listen to me and lend some calming advice. I am very grateful to have this message board and all of you to help me through things and I hope I can offer helpful advice to others on the board too. Everyone have a nice evening

[Ncal1986]

I think you have a good point about food - I noticed that without eating I cry more easily. My therapist today actually gave me $10 dollars (trust me, after a long debate of me flat out saying I wouldn't take it). I bought a loaf of wheat bread so I could get something with carbs and calories, but the protein idea is good - the bread cost me 2 dollars so I can still get protein or fat foods that will last me at least a few days...

Thank you for reminding me that not eating really does effect my mood - it's easy to forget

Originally Posted by Eileen2010

hi...sorry things are so difficult for you right now. I hope that you are being really honest with your T about food and stuff...it's important that someone IRL knows whats going on. It's not uncommon to do really well for a while then go thru a really hard spot. It's part of the process. A two week dip is difficult, but you are doing the right things, by upping appts and taking meds and all. You need to eat, regularly, to keep your mind working correctly. Without the proper nutrition your brain will misfire. It happens just skipping one or two meals...even more so if you are skipping days. Get to a food pantry...just need basics...proteins....beans, peanut butter, nuts...some simple carbs like fruits and veggies. Gotta keep the mind fueled...it is MAJOR.

[ECHOES]

What changed or what happened a week or two ago in your life, that this could be a reaction to?

[SenatorPenguin8081]

Originally Posted by Ncal1986

I've used these forums for support (without posting anything) for years but I am in a really bad place and I don't know where or what it is.

Just as a primer: I have PTSD from childhood stuff, and EDNOS (purging type), both of which I am in treatment for with a wonderful therapist whom I see twice a week.

I am a really put together person even with all the stuff I'm working through, but this last week (or two?) I feel like my life has completely fallen apart. For the first time I alternate between staying up all night and then sleeping 20 hours. I've missed all my classes, my grades are going to drop from A/Bs to failing, and I've run out of money for food, but am not telling anyone because I'm embarrassed and because somehow not eating all day isn't that bad. I don't think it's related to the eating disorder because I could have NEVER gone a day without food, I think it's more like self harm, it's distracting me from the fact that my life just collapsed.

I also have prescriptions for Adderall and Klonopin (legit), but only after the sleeping and food problems started did I start taking Adderall because it numbed my hunger and Klonopin so I can sleep a regular nights sleep.

What scares me the most is that I'm already doing what I'm supposed to do - I'm seeing a great therapist who will now see me 3 times a week since I've broken down, I'm on anti-depressents that work (I'm not depressed just super panicky and feel trapped) and I'm not purging. With my kind of issues people usually advise to get professional help, but I already am!

What does it mean when you're getting the best treatment and you still fall apart? Is this something normal, to be fine for a long time and then have new symptoms and feel totally out of control, like you don't know what you'll do or what will happen one day to the next?

Sorry this is so long, it's just that I can't talk about this with anyone because once I tell them I'm already in treatment, they don't know what to say. I'm just really scared, I feel like out of nowhere I fell off a boat into the sea. If anyone has advice/similar experiences/anything, it would really help me. Thanks

Sorry your feeling badly
Sounds like some major anxiety/panic issues. Your world can fall apart really quickly when you are overwhelmed. What do I think...hmm, I really think you need to tell your best T exactly what you told us. I'm not very good at opening up either, but I have times where I have NOTHING to lose by doing so. Sometimes you gotta bite your pride and just go for it. Usually anxiety stops us (anxiety is sorta related to shame in some ways too) from sharing such very important things.

I don't think you should tell this to JUST ANYONE-- you need to tell this to a professional whom you trust. I think you need to say whatever you need to in order to get your needs met, and not give a damn what they think.

What do you think about telling your T by making a phone call for another appointment to discuss how to handle this? I think this is important, and I'm sure your T will too.

[Melbadaze]

Sometimes "we" have to fall apart in order to put ourselfs back together again, personally I dip in and out of psychosis, not a bad thing because its a revisiting and putting to bed that which no longer works and then a part of who I really am is able to step in eventually, its all very scary and painful, but thats where "real" change happens. Have you ever read any of "Doris Lessings" works? she often talks about falling apart with her female charactors and describes it so matter of factly...it is a big deal and it isn't a big deal if your in the right hands and have enought self knowledge of how far your going "Into" it.

[jexa]

((((Ncal)))) how frightening for you! I had a period of time where I lost my mind around the beginning of August last month.. it had a clear trigger so I knew what caused it, but it is ALWAYS scary to find yourself losing control. It may very well have something to do with the drugs, I suspect. I'm glad you're planning to be honest with your T about that because she may be able to help you do the right thing for your own health. You say you just started smoking pot a couple weeks ago? Does the timing of that coincide with the beginning of this episode?