[Melbadaze]

I wrote an email yesterday, but it didn't right...its like I had no idea what it was I wanted to say versus what it said....made me think about what T says that this is going on inside...thats how the email felt like a clash of outer reality and inner reality....so I deleted it....I see T today....I've been hanging on by finger tips...

[rainbow8]

I hope you have a good session today, Melba.

[Melbadaze]

Relationship, Therapy is about the relationship. Last week I was triggered back into the past, it no longer was about T's off-hand remark regarding her seriousness, its about what happens once a rupture has occurred.

I told T today that I feel as if I'd battered her and saying sorry felt horrible, T said I hadn't battered her, that my aggression isn't dangerous to her. She said my adoptive mother was heavily defended against my aggression. I told T in my head, last week was badddd, and that it was changed for ever, T asked if that was true? I sat flashing between in my head and reality, and I said no it seems ok here today, T was her normal self, then I suddenly remembered one xmas when I was a teenager and had got drunk, and my adoptive mother said I Had spoilt xmas and took the tree and trimmings down. I felt awful then, wanted to say sorry to her then, but knew by then there was no end to ruptures with my adoptive mother.

T asked if I felt I was being punished by her (T) now? I said no. T said you feel as if your aggression is unsurmountable, just because your adoptive mother couldnt withstand it, but she said again that I haven't destroyed her, unlike my adoptive mothers fragile ego which defended against destruction, T said the opposite of destruction is creation and that I need to destroy her to create her again for my inner world. She said again considering my history nothing was wrong about last week.

As I left today and drove home I was filled with that freeing feeling of not being punished, being loved and understood instead, I feel as if I need to repeat this cycle a few hundred times yet for them to become a new way of being, I also understood T was partly right about last week, yes what she said did push me further into flashback, but I had already "brought" that into the room with me, it was a memory looking to be resolved because today I couldn't give a dam about T's response last week and actually find it slightly funny now the trigger is being resolved, and without being triggered I'd never get to heal, as I say though, today I really did appricate the relationship in therapy, so much healing to be done in that. I told T how I am so afraid to hang on to her, and T said yes and your restricting that part of you causes so much discomfort, it would be easier to just let yourself sink into the moment and let yourself attach, I said I know but I just don't know how too, and T said, yes I understand that and I Understand its not a conscious thing, most of this is coming from an unconscious place.

[WikidPissah]

Melba...you totally amaze me. Good post, really good work!

[WePow]

Eileen took the words out of my mouth! Melba, you really are amazing!!!
WOW!

"As I left today and drove home I was filled with that freeing feeling of not being punished" --- THANK YOU FOR POSTING THIS!!!!!!!

This is one of the main things I "preach" here on PC! You can NOT get mentally healthy if you are not honest with yourself and with T. You did exactly what therapy is designed to do! You have demonstrated a willingness to WORK for your own sanity!! BRAVO !!!!!!!!!!!!!