I'll never forget that

When I was 15, I made up around 26 alters for myself. It was a creative thing, and not real MPD. I know now I do not have DID/MPD. I do not switch alters or have get fugues. I do have issues with memory, amnesia, and feeling dissociated though! But I will never forget my first psychiatrist. she diagnosed me as having MPD. She said she "could tell by looking into my eyes". I hear a duck. QUACK QUACK
That was back in 1991 or so. I think on it now and am of the opinion she shouldn't have been practising at all. If she made such a statement and assessment of me, what did she do to other people? And the repercussions? I think that's really awful and so so unprofessional.
I have been to see counselors off and on since then. I never go for very long. I have trouble meeting eyes. I can't cuss because I think I'll make the counselor uncomfortable even that should be part of their job to hear the dirty nasty stuff! I can't cry in front of people. So, I can't get very far in counseling. I mean, it's a stranger. Lord knows I have tons of things to talk about. I have an early childhood that I have bad feelings about. Not bad, terrifying rather. I thought when I was 15 and suspected that I could see a hypnotherapist and figure it all out. It didn't work that way. I didn't feel I was under. I wanted to laugh or open my eyes. But after i passed a preschool playground and crossed the street and threw up in front of a Mexican restaurant. Luckily, it was closed and no one was around. that tells me something. It was the hypnosis attempt and seeing the preschool playground. I feel liek if I confront it, Iw ll lose my mind. I always wanted to remember but Id rather keep my sanity. Its hard enough with it blocked. If it is unblocked Im in big trouble.

Yes mpd is way to easily dx...it seems the escape clauie for many....those that claim to have it and hose hat diagnoise it....the actual occurance of sybil type mpd is very rare....now for the point of your post....just because something is blocked doesn't mean it isn't impinging on your daily life in the form of neurosis etc....no one ca make anyone undertake therapy...one has to make that decision thenselves...personally I much prefer to inblock my traumas..yes its painful etc etc...but so was my neurosis...i think thinking about this without real experience of a safe and competant herapist would be off putting...one just has to take a leap of faith....

You don't have to have eye contact or be able to cry to get decent therapy. You just have to find the right T for you. I hope that you will be able to do that. A good T won't force you to unblock stuff...but after a bit you may choose to.

i cuss like a sailor in t, he does it too sometimes... i think it just depends on the t

Yes I dont know how that early stuff could be affecting me. It's so hard to determine what things in our life make us feel and act a certain way. If it could all be neat and orderly. If someone one could hand me a list..
You are depressed because..
you are anxious because..