[ECHOES]

Here is one viewpoint:

http://www.guidetopsychology.com/questions/q_gift.htm

and another:

http://gandalwaven.typepad.com/inthe..._little_s.html

My T accepts gifts. The first year I wrote something. The second year I knitted her a scarf. I am re-thinking my no-gift decision and I may take her something next week after all. For a few weeks I have been in a peaceful place, with clarity of thought and extra energy, without the hopelessness and helplessness. I have no idea how long it may last (this time). It has contributed to my being able to enjoy therapy and to experience my therapist for who she is and not for who I wish her to be. This last part I don't think will go away, revert back to the wishful fantasy thinking. It might, but it doesn't feel like it will. So, I am just enjoying it very much and the timing seems perfect for a gift of gratitude.

[rainbow8]

ECHOES, the two articles you referred me to were both anti gift-giving. It seems to me that many Ts DO accept gifts, based on posts in this forum even though it's frowned upon by psychology associations or whoever makes the "rules."

[lizardlady]

Originally Posted by rainbow8

Why CAN some Ts accept gifts and some can't? My Ts always accepted my gifts, though often they were just poems or cards I made. But I gave my former T a gift I bought when I was traveling once, and she accepted it. Yet some Ts, as posted here, won't accept any gifts. If it's so frowned upon, why is it okay for some Ts? Is it in the same category as hugs? Some will, some won't?

Rainbow, different Ts have different interpretations of the ethical code which recommends Ts not accept gifts. Some agencies also have rules against accepting gifts. With the agency I work for accepting a gift from a client could cost me my job.

[eskielover]

I usually make cookies & small orange/cranberry bread loaf's, & my favorite pumpkin fudge. I make up a lot of different cookies & stuff & then have it on hand to give to everyone I give gifts to. Last year was te first year of seeing the psychologist I am now seeing & she was out of the country for the last 2 months last year & I had only seen her a couple of times before then. Will take cookies to her & some to the receptionist.....hoping I have time to get all that baking done by then. I doubt that they have problems accepting cookies that they can share around if they want. I have so many have to makes that I need to get done....hope I have time to do a few dozen extras for that appointment on the 21st.

My previous psychologist was jewish also & so I never did any gift thing with him......& never cared enough about any previous psychologist before that to ever feel like doing anything like a gift.

I'm agonizing over whether to give t the ornament I made for her which cost practically nothing. The last gift I gave her was monitary and she took it but said she couldn't accept gifts anymore. I don't want to be rejected again but maybe she just cant accept monitary gifts. She does have a lot of drawings around her room. I don't know what to do. What do you guys think?

[ballet_girl]

Originally Posted by Kacey2

I don't understand really.................gifts, hugs, etc... They are such a normal generic things now a days and why are those so freely exchanged sometimes with people who are simply acquantances but they are "taboo" for therapy. It makes me feel like there is something wrong (dirty? shameful? ) about being in a therapy relationship.

I challanged him by saying if a 6 year old waddled into his office with a gift for him that he would not reject it.

I think that in the end T not accepting gifts makes me more comfortable. To me declining gifts means that she cares enough to make sure that she isn't in any way taking advantage of the relationship?

[cmac13]

My therapist has always accepted my gifts to her. She has been in private practice for over 37 years. I have something special for her for our session this coming Saturday I love giving a gift to her for all she has done for me

I have been deeply hurt by the gift thing before, and not just in T relationships. I was so glad to read this thread and know that others also really struggle with feeling rejected.

Eighteen months in with this T, I've only ever given her one thing (homemade cupcakes), having checked with her about 100 times by text that I was allowed and she wouldn't hand them back or thow them away.

Having read this thread, I wasn't going to give her a Christmas present, but then on Wednesday she floored me by giving me one We had a hard session and I decided to make her a present after all as it would help me feel connected and work through my feelings about the Christmas break. I made her Christmas shaped gingerbread biscuits, and put in some icing and decorations so she could decorate them with her small daughter. Even though I'd checked with her that this was allowed, I was too afraid to hand over the present (I just left it on the floor and walked out!). But she told me her daughter already ate one and they will decorate them and put them on the tree. She also reassured me that she will never return or throw away something I give her, as she knows how important it is. I'm so glad I decided to do this, as it feels very healing after my former bad experiences

[Dani]

I've been seeing my T for almost 3 years and I've never given her a present. But the other day I was out shopping and found a magnet that says "Thank you. You've touched so many because you care so much" and I thought about her and decided to buy it. I'm not sure if I should give it to her though because I'm not sure about the policy of gift giving since she is with a community mental health agency. So I'm kind of conflicted about whether or not to give it to her.

[citizenpained]

I thought there was a good chance my pdoc/t would tell me (kindly) that he doesn't accept gifts.

He had the "Little Book of Zen" in his waiting room. I complained about it for months. I hate that book. "You can never step in the same stream twice." Huh? Then I guess your initial step is into a constantly changing stream and isn't that Daoism anyway? Whatever. I hated it. So, when I knew it was about time for our therapy to end (I'll save that for another posting), I took the Zen book and flung it under the couch.

He had told me it was the decision of his co-workers to have the Zen book there, and if it were up to him, he wouldn't place it there, but when they designed the office, it wasn't worth fighting over. . Anyway, I went a few weeks without seeing him (I do that sometimes - I need space) and then I came back in with a gift.

We're both Jewish, and Hanukkah had already passed, but it was also sort of a thank you thing and I figured under the guise of "holidays" it would be less obvious. I was hell bent on getting him a Zen garden, but couldn't find one near his area and didn't have the time to trek across town. So I went to B&N and got him tangrams. It seemed about right. (I love Zen gardens, by the way. They're fun to mess around with.)

So I gave it to him, unwrapped, in a bag, and said, "You're the only one that ever checks up on me." He said someone had taken the Zen book. "Either they really liked it or they really hated it," he said. "Imagine that," I replied.

So anyway, he opened the bag and was completely bowled over, since I never even shaken his hand before. I explained that he was the only person that checked up on me, and how I'd kill to have someone check up on me as I do with my friend/sometimes boyfriend, like dropping by my house with Thanksgiving dinner or answering the phone in the middle of the night or remembering birthdays and such. He said if I weren't his patient, he would. I replied that I knew that.

So he opened his gift and didn't really know what to say. I am sure he's gotten plenty of gifts over the years, but he actually teared up (more because I explained that the occasional just checking in call when I go AWOL is the only call I get).

So the point is...go for it. Unless you know your doc has a strict rule about gifts, just go for it. Don't make it excessive or anything, but share something if you like. Even if they can't take it, they'll be touched, and isn't that what you're going for, anyway?

(In case you were wondering, as I walked out the door, I said, "The thing you are looking for is under the couch." "Huh?" "It's under the couch. But if you were a decent therapist, you'd leave it there." He totally got it then. When I returned the next week, the book was still under the couch! Scandalous!)

[citizenpained]

I made a post and it's gone.

I wrote a post in quick reply and it didn't work. Ugh. I'm too lazy to repost this, but my point was, even if the T doesn't accept it, they will be touched. Isn't that the point of gift giving?

(I gave my T a tangram set.)

[sittingatwatersedge]

I had made a Christmas gift for T, but am not going to give it to her. I made her something earlier this year just because I wanted to, and she accepted it, and I suppose from reaing all your posts that more would be way overdoing it.

So I left her a message cancelling my appt the week before Christmas, and said, that SHE is a gift to me, and that I have no gift in return except for my gratitude.

I hope that's enough. Next time I see her will be after a break of over 4 wks.
Again.

[BlackCanary]

Last year, with exT, I knew he would not accept a gift. On his December birthday I brought in 2 muffins and a candle, sang him the birthday song.
However, the odd thing was that he wanted to make a donation to the women's center where I'd done a group. This seemed VERY STRANGE to me. After a bit of a rupture, I found out he'd felt "out of balance" since the prior summer, when he accepted a book from me (I bought 2 of Judith Herman's "Trauma and Recovery..." so we could read it together). So, this balance thing may be part of it for therapists. They are not inclined to give us gifts. But, if your T starts to waffle about accepting your gift, you can suggest that maybe T would like to make a donation to a favorite charity in honor of the hard work by all of his/her clients?
My job has very restrictive ethics rules about holiday gift-giving, avoiding the appearance of impropriety. The best advice is to keep it small, simple. Less than $20. I'm going to make my new T a pomander (orange with cloves) and write her a card. I previously gave her one of those decorator oval boxes of Kleenex, which she loved and saves for me to use.

[Yoda]

Last year I gave my Pdoc my copy of Sports Illustrated Swimsuit edition and the Victoria's Secret Christmas catalog. He laughed. This year I bought him a used DVD of Man on Fire for $3 on ebay.

[cmac13]

gave my therapist a few christmas gifts...one was a self published book of my art collages that I dedicated to her. she accepted what i gave to her as she always has. she gave me a letter she wrote to have over our 3 week holiday break. the letter addressed my fears of abandonment as well as holiday family stress and she emphasized her faith in my ability to cope. (if i need to call her over the break i can i have her cell phone number but i really want to respect her time off). she has written me little letters over the years for me to have to remind me that she will not abandon me and it's okay to have the feelings i have and she will be there for me. the session ended with a very long hug - it was hard to let go of her. she is so comforting and i am blessed to have her as my therapist for the past 19 years.

[with or without you]

so how did this go for everyone? How were your gifts received?

I haven't given my therapist anything for a long time, probably not for 5 or 6 years, but this year I gave her a little piece of paper with something I had journaled about her. It wasn't very long, just a few lines about how there was nothing I didn't like about her as a therapist and how much I appreciated her hanging with me for all these years...and how I would never forget her even when I'm not in therapy anymore. She read it and said with a smile, "thank you very much."

I decided to do this because I recalled that how in the past year, two health professionals associated with me (one was my mom's dermatologist and one was a former therapist of mine, but I only saw him for 6 visits in the year 2000) suddenly passed away...my mom saw both of their obits in the paper. I just wanted her to know how highly I regarded her in case the unthinkable happened to either of us...it was a brief "unmasking" of with or without you as the person, instead of with or without you as the client. Also, I have been feeling somewhat fragile ever since my dad passed away in '02...yes, my relationship with my T is a working relationship, but it still is a relationship with a person nevertheless. I just want people to know how I feel about them. Life is too short!

[zooropa]

my T said she hasn't listened to the cd yet. That really makes me sad, because she really seemed to understand its importance to me and she said she had thought of buying it so she could listen to it, too. I guess she's just really good at pretending to like gifts from clients.

I gave T some cookies that I made. He popped two in his mouth the second he opened it, and at my next session, he told me that he had eaten about half before he went home, and when he got home, his family immediately devoured the rest. They WERE really good cookies...I make them every year

For his birthday last month, I gave him socks that I knitted. It was the first pair I made. He was sooooooooo touched. He said that he just wanted to frame them in a shadow box and hang them on his wall instead of wearing them on his feet.

I love giving gifts to my T.

[ECHOES]

I just couldn't do it this year. I think I felt a number of things. I felt I would be too exposed if I did. I feel often that I can't articulate how therapy has helped, even though we both know it has, or why it has. I want so much to be able to do that but I can't. A gift in place of it (which is how I would see it) doesn't seem right or something.

I have given her gifts before and maybe will again, but not this year. Maybe I need to talk about this with her, I don't know.

[BlackCanary]

My T liked the pomander, said it smelled great. I said "There's a note in there too". She said "I saw it, I"m not going to read it now because I don't want to get teary." My eyebrows went up! She smiles coyly, says "I guess you didn't know that about me".

So, who cares if she likes the pomander!!! She liked the note without even reading it!

[granite1]

i made T a card and cupon book but have no idea what she thought.i mailed it to her because i thought i would miss my session because of snow but i ended up going and she never said a word about it or anything so i dont know if she liked it or not i havnt seen her sence because of her break.maybe she hadnt even gotten it yet and she will say something monday or maybe she just didnt care about it at all who knows

I was really scared to give my t my gift. I was afraid she would reject it/me. But she really liked it AND she gave me a HUG!!!! It's the only hug I've ever gotten from t. but it all feels like so long ago. I havent seen t since then and its almost been a month. It's almost like she doesn't exist anymore. I don't know.

[Kacey2]

I gave my t some homemade treats and a card with two check duplicates to the charities I made donations to. In the memo I had written, "in lieu of a gift for t." In my card I told him why I picked those two charities etc.

The next time I saw him was a short notice t session due to an emergency and he didn't mention it until I asked at the end and he said that I was very clever. (Because he said no to a gift when I asked him.) That wasn't a gift though! Not quite the response I wanted. I am sure he is trying not to reinforce. Ba Humbug.

[Kacey2]

Oh and one more thing. On the day I gave it to him I saw wrapping paper in his trash. I got quite upset and said What the F#@$! I thought you didn't except gifts.

He told me a lie. He said he received a gift as a "secret santa" from within the office. But I knew that was a lie because the Friday before I heard the office people and another t talking about their exchanges and the female t made comment about how she gave gifts to my t because that is who she had drawn. Too bad that was the week before and I knew that he didn't keep it in his garbage for over a week. I would have seen it the last time. I hate it when t's think they can lie and get away with it.

Still wondering if I should call him out on that. Any thoughts?

[granite1]

i would ask him maybe in the context that you understand about the gift thing ETC..but ...