Broken Record

My therapist has insisted he see me at least twice a week for a few weeks. I'm sitting on the edge of knife, and mycondition could go either way right now. I was hospitalized the week of Thanksgiving due to a severe bipolar depressive episode. T was key in getting me to check myself in.

Things are in some ways much better than that week. I am not nearly as suicidal and my sleep has improved for the most part. However, I am still very depressed and it doesn't seem to budge.

T says he's feeling a bit like a broken record with me. He didn't mean that as an insult to me, more as an expression of his frustration with himself and his inability to do much to help at this point. I told him that's okay, I feel like a broken record too. There is absolutely no movement in my condition right now, and that is incredibly frustrating.

T honed in on the word "frustration". Frustration is a form of anger. Who are you angry with Chris? Myself. He told me I need to let myself off the hook about this. This is not something I can control; it's out of my control, and blaming myself for what I am going through is just crazy making.

He is concerned though that I don't have a broad and fulfilling life outside of my job. I had told him how burned out I am feeling. If only I could regain that enjoyment for my profession again . . . . His reply was that I won't get that job fulfillment back until I get fulfillment in my life outside of work.

He told me about how just the day before he had been talking to his secretaries about how fortunate he is to have a job that he thorougly enjoys coming to each day. BUT, he is even more fortunate to have a broad and fulfilling life outside of the office so he knows even if for some reason he could not do his job, he would be alright. His broader life will sustain him.

That was really cool to hear and makes so much sense to me. I know he's right. I have to find a way to enjoy my life outside of work and the rest will fall into place. Now if I can only get this depression to lift. I'm really stuck in the quicksand of depression right now. New meds haven't quite gotten to therapeudic range yet, so I am stewing in this overwheliming hopelessness called depression.

I see my t twice again next week. Will it be the same broken record? Maybe so, but it is what I need to hear right now, and it may just take repitition for it all to soak in.

Do you understand what is fueling the depression?

The depression is chemical at this point. Meds are being adjusted, but it takes time for them to do their trick. Right now it's all about now fueling the depression and making it worse. I'm trying to stay busy. (Lots of activities with my sons: band and choir concerts, etc.) Distraction keeps me out of my head.

Can I ask you a few questions or not?

This is a huge lesson I've learned from my T. He has a big, busy, fulfilling life outside of work. There was a point early in therapy when I was meditating, and I envisioned T and having this huge net beneath him to catch him if he falls - all of the strands of friends, family, activity, truth, openness, love, spirituality to catch him if he falls. And I realized my net just had these HUGE holes in it...because I was afraid to let anyone in, afraid to let people close, just afraid. I've kept that in my mind, and tried to follow T's example, and my net does feel a little more tightly woven now. It didn't happen overnight, but it's happening in baby steps.

I'm SO sorry you're in the throes of depression right now. When I add self-judgement (I shouldn't feel like this, I should do better, etc) to whatever I'm feeling it makes it that much worse. I hope you can be gentle with yourself and let that go. It sounds like you're doing the right things...maybe it just takes time for those things to take hold and for you to start to find some footing.

to you.

i went through some similar this yr...cept everything lost its meaning...i was judging my life by my outsides...i felt desperate to claw myself back to some semblance of serenity...i just felt fixated on the external...I think it was a form of reorganisation and eventually bit by bit I begun to make contact with my inner world and that helped..outside stuff was just that...I could be at my boring job but hold myslef with the comfort I was getting rom within myself...thinking about the connection I have with T...the books I enjoy now..the abilty to think more ....but loosing that contact with myslef for that period of ime was scary..

Is there any way you could regain that enjoyment? Take on different responsibilities at work? Or could you get another job in the same profession? Sometimes a switch can help. Or could you do another profession or one just somewhat different that you could transition to? I know the economy is hard so it's difficult to make changes. But just a thought, perhaps for the future if not now. I was in the same job for quite a while and didn't even realize how much I had lost interest. One day T said to me, "I know what's wrong with you," and I said apprehensively, "what?" (thinking OMG he is finally going to give me a diagnosis after all this time). ANd he said, "you're BORED." And I realized that was so true. I had been at the same job too long, doing the same things, seeing the same people. I have a made a change and it has really added a lot to my life.

I hope your meds kick in soon, and you feel better, Chris.

yes, the depression sucks, i am sorry. you are not alone. t is right need to have a life out side of work, seems they hone in on this while im in the midst of depression and don't want to do sh#t... t wants me in once a week, settled for every two weeks. starting to look at causes now... yucky sending safe hugs

Thanks for your replies. I'm a high school teacher, with 25 years vested into my profession. I don't want to change professions. I just want to get back that enthusiasm I once had. It's flown with the depression. I'm trying to stay active in the midst of this sludge, but my mood just doesn't respond. I really hate this.

Farmergirl, I just want to say I hear you. My work has often been my whole life, and right now I am feeling very burned out and it's taxing instead of fulfilling. I spend much of my life outside work being critical of how I do my job and how it's 'not working,' instead of using that time to fulfill me in other ways so the job will not take so much out of me.

I don't have an answer, but I know you're not alone. I'm sorry things are hard for you right now.

I think maybe find a new project to supplement the teaching. Something that is new and you can throw some time into to pep you up in this regard.

fg, perhaps you just palin don't enjoy your job anymore...regardless of yrs sometimes we change, move on..perhaps the inner conflict is coming from inside youe fighting yourself? We people not ,achines...perhaps theis an aspiring mucision or artist in you and your suffocating it with trying to remain static?

No, I don't think so. I am a really good teacher and I really feel this is just the depression talking right now. It is just very frustrating to have this depression weighing me down.

(((((((((farmer girl)))))))))

i'm sorry things are so rough for you right now. depression is the worst. it just sucks the life right out of you. i don't really have any great answer but one counterintuitive thing (for me at least) that i've found to help is to do more things just for fun. it may be that you are working too hard and just need more r&r to balance that out. i will pray for you tonight.

I don't want to come across harsh, but sometimes the "depression talking" phrases hides "I am afraid to change things". You are good teacher... but perhaps you changed with your life experience, perhaps you feel like teaching the same thing over and over again bores you...

Imho, you will never have the same newbies enthusiasm. Many people became bit cynical after years in demanding job... but the cynicism is a coping mechanism... maybe you can explore new options in the field... can you lead some new extracurrical activity or something?

And yes, life outside of job is important. It gives meaning to life.

This isn't boredom. This is depression. Not at all the same thing.

Please hear me. I am struggling with severe depression right now brought on by bipolar disorder. The depression has sucked the life right out of me and I'm trying to find my way back. In the which came first, the chicken or the egg contest, the depression came first; the lack of focus, hopelessness, frustration with myself, etc., came second.

Oh, Chris.....Being in the pit of depression is the worst. You seem to be keeping busy to help you get through this. I realize how frustrating it is and how hopeless things feel. Those feelings are awful. Luckily, we know it passes...but while you're in the midst of it, it doesn't feel that way. I hope this passes quickly for you....

I think I agree with VenusHalley -- sometimes it seems to me that people talk about "depression" as something that is not connected to life, that has no explanation in one's life -- and I may be off base, but it seems to me to be a way to avoid something. Something that would make sense of being depressed, but that one does not want to examine.

You're off base. Never mind.

I'm sorry to hear this Chris. I know how you've been battling in the last few months. I am however glad your T cares so deeply, and wants to help you so much. You are very strong, and will also come through this.
When you're depressed it's hard to see the world as anything but dark. Cut yourself some slack, and once the depression lifts, you will find the enjoyment in your life again. I went through this same thing a few weeks ago. It takes a great support structure to have the strength to push through this phase, but it will pass

Farmgirl, whatever, I hope you find the "joy" for the job you do again...depression is like a blanket that takes joy from what was perviously joyful.

Thanks Melba. I know it's there, buried deeply under the muck. That's what is so frustrating. I literally feel weighted down by this depression and it just isn't budging. Unfortunately, my pdoc is out of the country for a few weeks, so I'll just have to wade through this until his return.

I see my t again today. He's my touchstone through this. He'll be able to keep my thinking moving forward I hope. Maybe a good kick in the rear . . .

Chris, no, not a good kick in the rear. depression is what it is, a deep dark hole with no light. my kids now know to let me be and time and meds and therapy are usually the only things that start to see the light. don't change professions in the middle of depression, i try not to make a big decisions.
right now, t and me are trying to find causes and signs that it is coming on, right now i happen to be s l o w l y climbing out, however we both know this never lasts..... hang in there, go to therapy and please know you are not alone.....

I saw my t yesterday afternoon. He feels for me that I'm stuck in this depression, and challenged me to do some mental exercises where every hour I think about things that bring me joy. It's been almost 24 hours and I haven't done it once. Well, that's not exactly true. I went to my son's choir concert last night and that was a joyful moment.

The unfortunate problem right now is that my pdoc is out of the country, so I can't call him up for any med advice. I'm going to have to ride this one out. And now I've contracted a miserable cold, so I feel like crap on top of the depression.

Whine. Whine. Whine.

no, not whine, whine, whine, depression, depression depression. your t is like mine, just a different mindset. all im supposed to do this week is keep a mood log "short, short, short" t's words and exercise for 15 minutes for 3-5 days, haven't exercised once since i been doing mood logs and that is since the 8 th.( oh hell or the previous five years since)

t said once just go outside and take a walk, and i yelled right back i don't even get off the couch to go to bed, he backed down then..... they are so trying to help us, and we keep going and believing and letting them help us, just keep hanging in there.... you are not alone.....sorry pdoc is out of the country, i always come out of the depression, one way or the other...sending safe hugs