[sunrise]

Last week I had my session and it will be a month until the next. Our schedules just did not coincide to meet sooner--we've been meeting every 2-3 weeks lately. The session was good but I felt a little unsettled after--kind of bittersweet. I think we are winding down. I think back to my first T (the one before my current T): when we had our last session, I didn't know it was our last session. It just turned out to be. Maybe that will happen with this T too. I don't want to make a big deal about terminating--winding down gradually and deliberately, reviewing our progress, etc. That would be too much for me--it would feel like I was closing a door. It's a month until the next session, but probably longer, as my schedule winter quarter will be busy and unpredictable and I'll probably have to cancel once I learn my schedule. So it will probably be a long time until I see T. And then if it is so long, and I do fine after weeks and weeks, then why go? Would that say that I don't need to be in therapy anymore?

We shared some joy at this session, over events happening "out there" in an area of shared interest, and this is so wonderful to see. So we were happy about this. I have been trying to make a connection with a professional in the community to help with a project, and T has provided a name. In session, he called this person up and told him about me, and the guy was interested in helping! Even enthused. I think this is going to work out great. T was so happy after the call that he said, "this calls for a hug," and he bounded over to my couch and I opened my arms to receive him. It was very nice to share our happiness with a hug. We have never hugged me in the middle of a session like that--if we do hug, it is always at the end. T reminded me of an enthusiastic Labrador retriever, bounding over to me like that. I like how if he is happy, he just lets it out.

After session, we walked out together as T was on his way elsewhere. We were walking through the cafe on our way out the building, and I slowed because I was going to get a coffee, and when T saw I was stopping, he turned to me and we shared a big hug right there in the middle of the cafe. That was kind of cool.

I am not really feeling like I miss him right now, but maybe I do. Maybe that's what this post is saying? What I feel is a comfort knowing he exists somewhere out there, if that makes sense. Kind of a background "warmth" in my life. I do wonder, though, what will happen to us? I don't want to lose that warmth, but maybe it would continue even without seeing him? Saying it is over might make that go away, but if I never say we are "done", if I never officially terminate, then maybe that background comfort and warmth could continue. Like I could "trick" myself into thinking I was still in therapy and still have that good feeling in my life.

Thanks for listening, PC friends.

[Melbadaze]

"background warmth", I think thats the gift of a healthy relationship, sounds like whether you continue with therapy or not you have one of the major gifts already, perhaps thats enought?

[sunrise]

Originally Posted by Melbadaze

"background warmth", I think thats the gift of a healthy relationship, sounds like whether you continue with therapy or not you have one of the major gifts already, perhaps thats enought?

Thanks, Melba. Perhaps it is, perhaps it will last beyond the bounded duration of the relationship. I don't have a lot of models for that from my past, so I don't know. But it seems like it might be possible, and your optimism helps.

[winterbaby]

I do understand this, I've terminated with a couple of T's and just knew it was time and that I could make it on my own. That warmth I think will always be there if he leaves the door open for you to come back, it's something that does not change with the ending of therapy. It's like it stays with you somehow. I think some of us could stay in therapy forever but that's not really the point of it, we are supposed to grow and internalize their caring.

Originally Posted by sunrise

Saying it is over might make that go away, but if I never say we are "done", if I never officially terminate, then maybe that background comfort and warmth could continue. Like I could "trick" myself into thinking I was still in therapy and still have that good feeling in my life.

Maybe it wouldn't be a "trick", sunny? Maybe what you are describing is just what you need....to know T is there, to feel that warmth and love in your life, and to know that he is available to call whenever you need him.

I've thought about this a lot. I don't know if I will ever really "terminate" therapy either, but I can see a time when I go for long periods of time without seeing T. I want him to always be there, one way or another. I think there are a lot of ways to "do" therapy, and that we are allowed to find the way that provides us the comfort and connection that we need.

I can see why your session would feel bittersweet.... it's a big deal to have a such special connection with T.

[rainbow8]

I think, sunny, that you have a wonderful relationship with your T and nothing is ever going to change that! The background comfort and warmth you describe can stay with you whether you see T or not. It reminds of my T telling me that the "blanket of love" I attribute to HER lives inside of me and I can access it, she tells me, at any time. She says she is with me, too.

I know that's what you have with your T. His hugging you in the middle of the session and in the cafe illustrate his warmth and caring for you. That's something you can hold onto forever, isn't it?

I've seen you grow and change in the time I've "known" you on PC. It seems to me that you are stable and healthy enough to do without therapy, that you can make it on your own. However, there's nothing wrong with continuing to see your T when your schedule permits. My former T thought monthly "check-ins" would be good for me. Therapy doesn't have to permanently end. What about discussing this very matter with your T the next time you do have your session? He probably has ideas about it. But, it seems like, though you haven't called it termination, what you've been doing is the gradual cutting down of sessions which is what termination is all about. And you've been doing it successfully!

[sunrise]

Originally Posted by winterbaby

I do understand this, I've terminated with a couple of T's and just knew it was time and that I could make it on my own. That warmth I think will always be there if he leaves the door open for you to come back, it's something that does not change with the ending of therapy. It's like it stays with you somehow.

Thank you, winterbaby. It helps to hear this from someone who has experienced it instead of my just imagining that maybe it could be this way.

[sunrise]

Originally Posted by treehouse

I've thought about this a lot. I don't know if I will ever really "terminate" therapy either, but I can see a time when I go for long periods of time without seeing T. I want him to always be there, one way or another. I think there are a lot of ways to "do" therapy, and that we are allowed to find the way that provides us the comfort and connection that we need.

Thanks for understanding, treehouse. I do feel that doing an official "termination" is not right for me, even if we do cease seeing each other for a while. It's not really over unless we say it's over. I like your thought about there being lots of ways to do therapy. There isn't some rule that says one has to terminate therapy in a formal way. What T and I are doing is working pretty well for me right now, even if that is "not doing much."