[WePow]

*** TRIGGER WARNING for therapy relationship and trust issues !!!!

I debated with myself on posting this or not. I know many of us on PC are trying to work on our T relationships and do not want this to be seen as universal because it is my mind trying to figure this one event out.

I cried about it last night but it is such a small thing considering what all I have been through with trust for my T. And I finally felt safe with my T and just wanted to throw my arms around him yesterday and hug him tight - but I didn't. But I told him that.

Anyway, at the start of session after I had been talking a few min, he stopped me and asked if it was ok that he went to get a cup of coffee. I am always glad he does stuff that way with being honest because I want him to be there with me - and he wants to focus. So he takes care of stuff that way. No big deal. He got me a water while he was up. Then he came back and we had a good session. Except for the part where he said he didn't remember our last session.... hum...

Anyway, the part that bothered me was as he was getting up to get the coffee and telling me he was thinking about it and wanted to get it so he could get back to being with me rather than thinking about coffee, he said "Well, if you ever wanted to know what was in the mind of a therapist, there you go!"

It made me laugh at the time. But ....

Well, last night I just kept hearing that over and over and suddenly felt that the reason he couldn't remember the session before - and other things I sometimes tell him about several times - is because he is thinking about coffee or other things all the time instead of being there mentally with me.

I know this is distorted thinking in most ways. I know he cares and is there with me. But why does my mind just keep hearing that stuff from yesterday and playing it over and over?

I see him today and already sent last night a short email with the point on it about this - that we need to talk about it today. But I said last night I was sending it because I know I DON'T want to talk about it! When I work up this AM, I even more than ever didn't want to talk about it!
Now I am not happy that I have to see my T today and again Thursday. I feel like I don't want to see him at all since I felt like I have less value than a cup of coffee to him. There is a lump in my throat just typing this out this way.

Oh well. I wonder now about some posters asking if it is real and then I think they were right. But I keep reading the posts of others who say how their T went above and beyond the call of duty. Just like mine has done in the past. He is ALWAYS there FOR me. I know this.

Then I think about how I feel over this one small thing and I wonder if stuff my parents did to me was also just as small and maybe I am broken inside and just saw it as much bigger than it really was in real life? Maybe I wasn't really as hurt as I felt I was but the small stuff just stood out because I was too sensitive or maybe my head doesn't work right?

Ok now I am about to cry at work so I better just send this. No earthy clue how I am going to process this... urggg.

[granite1]

Originally Posted by WePow

*** TRIGGER WARNING for therapy relationship and trust issues !!!!

I debated with myself on posting this or not. I know many of us on PC are trying to work on our T relationships and do not want this to be seen as universal because it is my mind trying to figure this one event out.

I cried about it last night but it is such a small thing considering what all I have been through with trust for my T. And I finally felt safe with my T and just wanted to throw my arms around him yesterday and hug him tight - but I didn't. But I told him that.

Anyway, at the start of session after I had been talking a few min, he stopped me and asked if it was ok that he went to get a cup of coffee. I am always glad he does stuff that way with being honest because I want him to be there with me - and he wants to focus. So he takes care of stuff that way. No big deal. He got me a water while he was up. Then he came back and we had a good session. Except for the part where he said he didn't remember our last session.... hum...

Anyway, the part that bothered me was as he was getting up to get the coffee and telling me he was thinking about it and wanted to get it so he could get back to being with me rather than thinking about coffee, he said "Well, if you ever wanted to know what was in the mind of a therapist, there you go!"

It made me laugh at the time. But ....

Well, last night I just kept hearing that over and over and suddenly felt that the reason he couldn't remember the session before - and other things I sometimes tell him about several times - is because he is thinking about coffee or other things all the time instead of being there mentally with me.

I know this is distorted thinking in most ways. I know he cares and is there with me. But why does my mind just keep hearing that stuff from yesterday and playing it over and over?

I see him today and already sent last night a short email with the point on it about this - that we need to talk about it today. But I said last night I was sending it because I know I DON'T want to talk about it! When I work up this AM, I even more than ever didn't want to talk about it!
Now I am not happy that I have to see my T today and again Thursday. I feel like I don't want to see him at all since I felt like I have less value than a cup of coffee to him. There is a lump in my throat just typing this out this way.

Oh well. I wonder now about some posters asking if it is real and then I think they were right. But I keep reading the posts of others who say how their T went above and beyond the call of duty. Just like mine has done in the past. He is ALWAYS there FOR me. I know this.

Then I think about how I feel over this one small thing and I wonder if stuff my parents did to me was also just as small and maybe I am broken inside and just saw it as much bigger than it really was in real life? Maybe I wasn't really as hurt as I felt I was but the small stuff just stood out because I was too sensitive or maybe my head doesn't work right?

Ok now I am about to cry at work so I better just send this. No earthy clue how I am going to process this... urggg.

wepow i see two differnt things here that you may be mixing up.but i may be wrong also and please feel free to tell me if you think so.
first thing is him getting up to get cofee little thing,not really a big deal funny at the time.i dont mind when my T gets watter either.maybe it is a little thig.
next thing,he didnt remember what was said in the last sesson.now this is a big thing.and i may be wrong but again you may be looking at the cofee thing and feeling bad because you are overreacting .and if that were it maybe you were.but i would bet what you are really reacting to is the not remembering the sesson and THAT IS BIG and you arnt blowing that out of size and you def need to ask him what is going on with that and maybe bring him a cup of coffee before you ask him today

[WePow]

(((((Granite))))) you made me smile big inside! Thanks!!!!

Maybe I am focused on the little thing because it hurts too much and too deeply if I allow myself to even consider the impact of the other thing... ?

[mixedup_emotions]

(((( WePow ))))

Wow, I can relate to how you are feeling and where your mind and emotions went with this. It's so easy for me to take something that may be insignificant and turn the tide to make it something negative towards me, which only helps me feel worse. I struggle with those automatic negative thoughts - and then feel guilty for doing that to myself - it's a vicious cycle.

I'm glad you're bringing it up with T and am curious to know how things go.

[rainbow8]

I agree with granite, and I love the way you wrote that, granite. I'm sure he didn't mean he forgot your entire session, did he? My Ts sometimes have needed reminding of something we talked about, and then they remember. I'm also surprised he would have told you that he didn't remember. I think his not remembering is the issue, not the coffee, but they are somewhat related because he can remember about coffee but not your session. I hope you can bring this up with him today.

[WePow]

Thanks guys :-) It just feels strange... sad in a way. But not really.
It was odd how I felt like he got up and went to the right side of the room - which is his bookshelf. And I felt that same thing last week when he made some comment that stuck me.

I am not really concerned about him not remembering my session from last week because even I don't remember it! LOL ! Of course I was dissociating so much that I am not sure now what went down. It was a rough session. I know that much.

I've been on both sides. I've been the client, where my T has forgotten my previous session. I had to run through a few points to refresh her memory. I've also been the therapist who just couldn't for the life of me remember what happened the previous week. Usually it takes 1-2 sentences for them to jog my memory. It sucks. But, we are human.

In regard to the coffee - I'm glad he mentioned that he needed it. At least then he will be able to focus completely on you. I've been in session as the clinician where I'm just dying of thirst and I'm thinking "OMG I sooo want my Pepsi right now". It ended up being harder for me to focus if I didn't just get it and quench my thirst.

I wonder if you can reframe your thinking about the event. Instead of viewing it as the coffee is more important then you, think of it as: you were important enough to him that he wanted to ensure he was focused on you by meeting his needs first. This, after all, is what the therapist is teaching us to do. You have to meet your own needs before being much help to others.

I think the comment about what's on the mind of a therapist, would have shook me a little bit as a client. But if your T is as awesome as it sounds like he is in previous posts, he seems to be in tune with you, and with you in the moment. Hold on to those feelings.

[WePow]

(((Stormy))) Thank you TONS for your reply!!! You made all the pieces go back together in my mind. It is like you said and I knew that! But my feelings were not in synch. Now it is like you validated those emotions and still helped me see the rational part of this. Thanks very much! I worried about posting this because I didn't want anyone to read it and wonder about their own T. Now I am very glad I went ahead and posted with the trigger so I could see what you and others thought!

You guys are so awesome!

[Sannah]

WePow, when we are neglected by our parents it leaves a very large wound and then little things like the coffee can trigger that wound. So it really isn't the small thing of today that hurts so much but the big wound from the past. What I found is that once I healed the old wounds and worked on the triggers as they occurred, I was able to get to a point where I don't get triggered so much and when I do it is much easier to deal with.

[Oceanwave]

"then I think about how I feel over this one small thing and I wonder if stuff my parents did to me was also just as small and maybe I am broken inside and just saw it as much bigger than it really was in real life? Maybe I wasn't really as hurt as I felt I was but the small stuff just stood out because I was too sensitive or maybe my head doesn't work right?"

(((WePow))))
What your parents did in the past and how you felt about that is real. And those are not little things. what happened with t in the present is something different. I hope you can bring it up in T that your mind is making this connection, as it is probably an insightful one. And I'm also hoping that your present concerns about T will not invalidate your feelings about the past. On the other hand, I can totally see how what your T said about the coffee and him forgetting the last session could have been hurtful to you. It seem as though he was having a bad day, and I'm sorry it was triggering and that it is making you feel quite rubbish now. I hope you can talk through this!

[emilyjeanne]

((((((((((Wepow)))))))))

Thanks for this post. I feel the same way you do.

[WePow]

Well, I did it! I talked all of this over with T today.
He said I did a great job with using my CBT skills to figure out my root for the reaction.

[geez]

Thanks for this thread ((WePow)) I would have probably reacted the same way initially - glad you were able to discuss this with T!

[WePow]

It was very strange because I was able to clearly see in session how I had done the exact same thing with T that I did with my family situation.
As a child, I was unable to process the BIG stuff that was happening all around me. But I was in pain and had to process SOMETHING. So I would latch onto something that was smaller and would go through deep emotional pain about that issue instead of what was really bothering me.

It was a dual cognative distortion for survival. Minimize the big issue, maximize the small issue.

[granite1]

were you able to disguss the big issue?

[geez]

Originally Posted by WePow

As a child, I was unable to process the BIG stuff that was happening all around me. But I was in pain and had to process SOMETHING. So I would latch onto something that was smaller and would go through deep emotional pain about that issue instead of what was really bothering me.

It was a dual cognative distortion for survival. Minimize the big issue, maximize the small issue.

OMG I can so relate but never had it put in words like that before!! Thank you so much ((WePow)).

[WePow]

((((Geez)))) It was a big insight for me too!

Granite - I did talk about the big issue too. He was just listening to me process through my interpretation of the events. He said nothing about the events - just that I was doing great seeing my own distortions :-)

[mixedup_emotions]

Awesome!!! It's got me thinking about my own situation...and how I may be doing that exact thing as well. Hmm.

I'm so glad you shared everything with T and that something great came out of it!! Progress!!

WePow, thank you so much for posting about this, it's been so helpful to see you go through the processing of this and come to the insights you have. I'm glad you were able to talk it all through with your T and that he praised how well you're doing