Why do we fear therapy?

I wish I knew the answer to that. I really do. I have been in therapy for years and the fear and anxiety has never gone away. When I get in the room, it takes me about 5 to 10 minutes to get calm enough to talk about anything important. I almost always tell her I am really anxious. For me it is how she is going to react to something I say. Are we going to have enough time to cover everything? Anxiety about sharing something shameful or embarrassing. Plus all the worry and other feelings that go with it. I mentioned it in group T, and she said it could because of the thoughts that I am telling myself about it. Today I am going to try to be aware of what I am saying to myself to see if that helps.

Just want you to not you are not alone in this

The client/therapy relationship bothers me a lot. I cannot believe that my therapist has never had a client struggle with this! At least, none that confessed it to her.

One time I asked her, "How do you feel when your client has a breakthrough or meltdown in front of you?"

Her reply was, "Happy or sad." I was like, "That's it? No other emotion?"
She added, "I feel content."

HUH?? What did she mean by that!

I don't fear therapy with my regular T.
But I do fear couples therapy. I fear it right now because I'm about to go.
Yeah, it is helpful overall.
But so many sessions I am the one who freezes up into a massive triggered mess. My inside in knots, my eyes sore from crying, nausea, aching, sick.
Yuck. I hate it because it has made me feel MISERABLE in the past.
Yeah, it helps. The T is very good. But I hate doing it. Yuck.
Ah well, press on. I have hope that some day I'll breeze through it. lol.

Boy, isn't that the truth?

I don't fear therapy with my t. I don't think I ever have. I generally look forward to the interaction, challenge, and growth that I experience. It has been hard, really hard over the years, but therapy has always been a safe place for me, a place where I can talk about whatever I need to without fear of reprisal or rejection.

Did you ask her what she meant by that? Also, 'happy or sad' is a good answer. What did you want her to say?

I'm lucky because I in no way feel that my T is 'cold'. Sure, she's professional but I feel she's with me every step of the way.

I guess I wanted her to say, 'Squiggle, when you are having a breakthrough it makes me so happy to see that all the hard work you have been doing is finally coming out. It also makes me sad because I know the pain you are going through to allow all of those emotions to surface. This is why I say that I feel happy and sad at the same time."

"As for being content, I am content that we have made progress in therapy. You are the one who has made the progress, but as your therapist, it makes me very content that we are doing well on this journay. By content, I mean we are accomplishing our goals, your goals. This makes me feel content and know that our sessions are giving you the help and tools that you need to work through these things in your life."

She questioned if I was expecting some kind of egotistical response like, "Yeah~I rock with her in therapy! I am good!" and pat herself on the back because I had a breakthrough. She said it does not work like that. Therapy is not about feeding her ego, it is about making me well and building my confidence.

I guess she gave the right answer in the beginning. I was just wanting her to elaborate more on it, which she did when I asked her about it later.

Squiggle - I think you'd make an awesome therapist! You really know how to say things in such a nice manner. And your understanding, compassion and empathy show so delightfully. Your T could take lessons from you.

I actually told my therapist something like this one time. Saying that I am a really good listener and have good advice to give. Lots of it comes from my own personal experiences. She did kinda grinned, but then went on to say, "I can see you doing that".

Of course, she is the only one who sees the inside of me, and that is probably why she hesitated with that grin! She gets alot of emails and journal writing from me, so she knows that I really do know what I am talking about, I just don't know how to apply it to myself.

To make a long story short:

I am afraid of therapy because i am scared of the challenge to change. It is a lot easier to be stuck in all of my s#!t, and just be overall bad - then change to be/do "better". And failing and screwing up too many times in the process. I should just quit therapy, alongside everything else because all i am doing is wasting time and resources that could be better spent with many others that are more worthy and/or have more time and/or have more potential. I am pointless and just too late for anything to even remotely help, it seems...

(maybe instead of therapy, i should just be locked away in an institution or jail because i am just that sick and bad...expect i'll be wasting the taxpayers money by existing there still...as opposed to being a mess out in reality. Why do i continue at all...)

You have been on my mind for the past couple of days. I want to give you a proper response when I get time. Just wanted you to know that I read this and I am thinking of you. Trying to think of the right words to say. I will get back with you!

((((((notablackbarbie)))))) you are worthy and deserving of help. I think you are and I know you are. it isn't too late for you, not at all. so long as we are still living, there is still time and hope, and the time is now and the time is right for help. you are not too late, you are right on time! you are not pointless and you do have potential.

I am afraid of therapy because i am scared of the challenge to change. It is a lot easier to be stuck in all of my s#!t, and just be overall bad - then change to be/do "better". And failing and screwing up too many times in the process.

(((hugs for you)))
This is exactly where I find myself with my therapy. I have been going to therapy for almost a year. I look back and see that I am dealing with so many more issues now than when I started, due to all the things I pushed aside for years.! I am sooooo stuck, and have been for years. My T is pushing very hard(as she should) to get me to make some very hard decisions. Fear of the unknown is my captor! The last couple of months I have sunk into a depression that has engulfed me with apathy about my life. How do I get out of this "funk" and address my issues!!?? My greatest fear is that my T is about to tell me to not come back until I can better address things . What will I do if she does???

Exactly! (((tarmyg)))
I'm on probation at T because of all the appointments ive missed/canceled/been late to. I mess up 1 more time and T is done with me - absolutely no more chances. Thus, i am THAT scared and screwed up enough to sabotage ALL chances "to get help to be/do better". T calls it ambivalence, disruptive, and devaluing the possibility. I chalk it up to the point being proven = i am bad and a worthless waste. So why continue at all in any way??? (have another appointment tommorow that i should just cancel now and just stop & quit everything completely...)

Sometimes medication can help one get to therapy. (Help for the severe anxiety etc).

Barbie, sounds like you have a choice to make here. I do hope you make the choice that will benefit you the most.

Obviously your T has their thoughts on this, but have you presented to them your thoughts of why you are feeling like sabotaging your therapy as the way out? You are not bad or a worthless waste. You have problems that you need to address and that you need help with in addressing. Let your T in on this, if you havent.

I truely hope that you will attend your session tomorrow. As frustrated as I am with myself, I still hold onto the hope that there is help for me at therapy. I know the decisions I need to make, but at the moment I dont have the skills or confidence to make them. My hope with therapy is that I can develop these things to where I can live my life as it should be lived.