Why do we fear therapy?

Here I am again, a nervous wreck about going to therapy tomorrow. Why do we do this? We want the help, yet we are afraid to go. It's not like I am afraid of my therapist. I guess I am afraid of myself and what I may do or say.

She tells me that my intense anxiety is because we are finally getting into some very sensitive areas that I am not comfortable talking about. Whatever the reason, I hate this feeling! Sometimes I wonder if I am doing the right thing by being in therapy at all. Which is worse: suffering in silence, or suffering with your therapist watching you!

I am having that stupid urge to inflict pain on myself to stop this anxiety! I know that it is only a temporary fix, but it works. I will probably be up all night worrying myself sick about going tomorrow.

You know what really gets me? I am the grown up here and I am acting like a scared little kid who wants to suck her thumb and cling to a blankie! What have I gotten myself into. Therapy? That was something I never thought I would do. Now I am wondering if I shouldn't have.

Therapy is hard.
But I want to encourage you to keep going. I was in a similar place to you not so long ago. But it's exactly when you want to leave therapy, that you probably need it the most. It's a lot easier in the long run to battle through the issues with some else i.e. T.

I've been asking myself this question for months.
I'm a MESS before (and after) therapy. Super anxious to the point where I start shaking, get cold, sweaty hands and am super tense. Usually starts the day before therapy and on the day it's even worse.
I don't think it's normal to be THAT anxious. I've been thinking a lot about why it could be for me and I've found out that a) I don't trust my T. to catch me or save me or be there for me and b) don't have anyone else to do this.
So therapy for me is really a matter of dealing with everything alone even though there is someone in that room who wants to know what's going on.

So basically, I think I'm in way over my head with therapy.

Do you have any fantasies or scenarios in your head that make you feel so anxious? As in "if I tell this, she/ he will do this"?

Right now, I fully relate to what you are saying, squiggle.....I have to go in later today and right now feel so scared, as if I were going before a firing squad or something (hope that's not a trigger)! I'm not scared of my T, she's never been anything less than kind/non-judgmental, but I am scared ####less of the emotions that are surfacing and the horrible compulsion to do something to myself.....the rational side of me is also appalled and embarrassed at myself too, to be like this in front of someone when no one else ever has to see, or suspects, anything like it in me.....I keep thinking I'd love to run away from all this, but now that I have gone this far into it, the only thing to do is go ALL the way through it......if I really want to heal and be free in my self from all this stuff going on in my head now.
Keep your courage, squiggle....you CAN go through this and come out of it changed and better!

I wanted to quit when I got to that point of being in a sensitive spot. Worked through it and things are easier now. I actually usually look forward to therapy these days even though we are still workin through some hard stuff.

I always wanted therapy, took yrs for it to happen, but what I feared and didnt know was my desire to be cared for scared me incase it was seen...its also alot to do with our unconsious..when we repressed or surpress things it was for a reason, to much to handle at the time accept our mind has forgotten we're grown ups now and what was scary back then isn't so much now, but yeah its scary though I must be a fear addict because nothing on earth would stop me from digging and digging...

I've been in therapy for about 15 years with different Ts and I am still anxious before a session and in the beginning of it. I'm afraid of feeling and of not feeling. I'm afraid of my T seeing me and of her not seeing me. I'm afraid of seeing the truth and not seeing the truth. I'm afraid of the intensity and of not having the intensity. I'm afraid of the connection and of not having the connection. I'm afraid of her caring about me and of her not caring about me.

Squiggle, I used to also think therapy was something I'd never, ever do. But it's something I secretly thought I needed.

Hang in there! I think fear goes with the territory. It helps me when I say right away that I'm afraid and then T and I do breathing together.

There's a book by Susan Jeffers called "Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway"

Melba - you just spoke right at me. My fear of not being cared for, and my T having just picked it up - that's what made me so anxious about therapy. Now, I need to work through it, so I'm equally scared, but having seen the progress, it makes the process easier

You know... I feel alot like sailboat does. I started this therapy thing for what I believed to be something simple at the recommendation of a psychiatrist. I had been to therapy once before due to "work issues" which rapidly turned into all sorts of personal issues that involved my home life... which turned me into a mess... and the home life the same, so I quit that... and it was a long time ago. This time around, like I said, is was just to get some CBT to help me sleep without meds (which started after the last therapy)... It all started so innocently with silly discussions about work, kids, people I work with... and then a couple of almost silly things happened... I somehow started taking about a scene in a movie that makes me emotional, and while simply describing the scene (a romantic one), I got emotional very unexpectedly... for both of us. And then another where we were talking about my daughter and how relationships can be unexpected based on a story from my past which I must have told well or something... and she got emotional. These 2 small events created an attraction for me, which I seem to spend all my time trying to rationalize. I finally wrote this stuff down and gave it to her, and then all the things from the other therapy about the home life stuff started pouring out... which to me almost seems like me trying to rationalize the attraction. Now I fret before, I come out down, and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. I want to end it, but I don't want to end it (this "I don't want to lose you" voice keeps screaming in my head). She talks about "transference" and "therapeutic relationships", and I don't know what it means... or I really do but don't want to admit that this is all or something... and in the end I feel lonely and broken. I can't talk at home about it... I feel weak when I speak with her about it... and I don't understand the point of telling her at all how I feel... or the rationalizations I'm making to make it make sense to me... I want to look strong and appealing I suppose, but that makes no sense.

Is this what therapy is all about? At times, the pain is unbearable.

wow, Rainbow, perfectly said for me too. thank you.

Rainbow, this ^ is brilliant...........

Is it accurate to say that you are just afraid to "be"?

Shame? Exposure?

An inner child?

Going to therapy is the correct thing to do. Keep working and you will leave this all behind and your life will be so much better.

Sannah, don't want to hijack, but to answer you: YES, afraid to "be" seems to fit. Thanks.

This is the reason I am scared of therapy, and the reason after all these years I can't control my anxiety when going to T. Although trust with T is growing, the bottom line for me is that when the session is up I have to deal everything on my own. He isn't there when I need him in the middle of the night or first thing in the morning, or when I am grocery shopping, or whenever. It stops me opening up because to say it out loud and then to be alone is worse than not saying it at all.

Squiggle, I also question regularly why I am in therapy and why I put myself through all this anxiety. Sorry I dont have an answer but I hope you find yours soon

I'm sorry for going a bit offtopic but YES, exactly!!! I've said this to my T before and all she does is "yes, that is true." Of course it's true, it doesn't make it okay though.
I think it's hard for people with a normal social environment to understand how that feels like for lonely and/or abandoned people (I just assume you are a bit lonely too from your description, I'm sorry if you aren't, I mean I'm glad... oh forget it ) I can't talk about it, go home and cry on someone's shoulder. There's nobody there.

Thanks for all of your responses! It helps me to know that I am not alone in this. That others feel like I do. I didn't sleep last night at all, worrying about my session today. I was determined not to take anything for my anxiety. I don't want to be 'zoned out' when I meet with her. I want to be totally present with my feelings and emotions.

Of course, one of the first things she did was look at my hands and arms to see what I had one. There was not a lot to see, but enough that she was concerned. Since I bring my journal notes with me, I told her to read what I had written. I did not want to talk about it!

I felt really sick when she was reading it. I felt humiliated to have her read what I was saying to myself and doing to myself. I noticed that she read over it several times before she said anything. She basically said, "You don't like yourself at all. You blame yourself for everything that has happened in your life. You are stuck in the lies that you were told by your first husband. You are punishing yourself because you want out of being a caregiver and that makes you feel guilty."

I made myself look at her and talk. (Yes, I have a tremendously hard time looking her eye to eye when we are engaged in a session). I PUSHED myself as hard as I could to get past the fear I was experiencing. I AM DETERMINED TO GET BETTER! I AM GOING TO DO WHATEVER IT IS THAT I NEED TO DO!

I was very straight forward with her. If I didn't like what she said, or disagreed, I TOLD HER! I somehow found my voice and I used it! We had a very successful conversation. YAY! My therapist was SO excited! She kept saying, "You did great today! You actually showed up with your authentic self. Progress!!" I guess that is what happens when you beat the crap out of yourself (literally) and you get angry enough with yourself to do something about it.

Right now I feel like I am on cloud nine, but I know how this goes. I will start beating myself up over something I said. Wondering if I offended her, said something mean, or cruel, or wrong, or whatever! You know how we start allowing those thoughts to fill our heads.

Fortunately, I can email her if that happens. She is fully expecting me to send her one in the next 24 hours and will help me get back on track. The finish line looks so far away for me, but at least I found the courage to get back in the race!

Wow!! Great work!!

So happy for you that you had such a great session. I can relate about having a hard time making eye contact...I tend to look at his fishtank, or the pictures on the walls, or the floor. I'm not sure why I look away, but it seems that when I say embarrasing things, things that are hard to talk about, or even just rambling on is when I stop looking at him. But, because you had such a great outcome with looking at her, I am going to try very hard to do the same this week...thank you!

Squiggle...This is so great. It is so hard to excavate and actually find the bits and pieces of our "authentic self" and then even harder to risk sharing what we've found with others.

Keep going, keep going!! And don't launch a self attack if that authentic self goes back into hiding periodically. If you keep at it she'll get stronger and stronger and you'll eventually liberate her.

Sometimes it is good to look back at previous posts and see just how much you have grown. I remember being in a very dark place when this thread was started. This was only about 6 weeks ago. I think I have come a long way since that time. This makes me realize that I am making more progress than I give myself credit for.

I still have fears about therapy and I don't understand it, but I think I am a litte more determined to push myself and make myself show up and do the work. This incident seems so long ago!

I fear therapy because I have to address issues I've repressed. I'm in an environment where my every word or reaction has a consequence and where fibbing is fruitless. I have to be totally honest, as T will see straight through me anyway.
I also fear the client/T relationship. You get so close, yet you are so far away. Does T really care about you the moment you walk out of a session? As much as you need T, the relationship always remains professional, which has a 'cold' element to it

I think if we didnt have that initial discomfort and could just sail into therapy then we really wouldnt be needing therapy.

I am afraid too, very afraid, sometimes terrified and want to run fast and far. And yet I'm even more afraid of doing that, thinking of the darker place I could really be running to if I run away from a healing place now.
I feel like I am going into darker and darker and deeper and deeper places right now.......and I am afraid, afraid of how deep and fathomless and unfathomable it seems. But I am not really one to run away in fear from fear so I am determined too to walk straight into it and through it and find the healing and grace that there is in doing that!

i think for me it is fear of what is inside of me.all the anger, hurt,truths,and everything so i dont think it is really fear of T so much at times but of me.but who knows still working on figuring it all out.i hope someday if we just keep plugging away with lots of determination it will get easier.

My "fear" is that my T is pushing me to make some really hard decisions....decisions that I need to make, but are sooooo afraid to make. The harder she pushes the more I fear my sessions!