Feeling disappointed with T....

We had two new members at group today, and some time was spent working through the rupture that happened last week in group - plus trying to integrate the new members.

I had a really, really hard time staying present. I hate when that happens. One of our long-time group members was talking, and he said the words "crossing boundaries"....and I wanted to run for the hills. It just triggered me, big time...and because we now have more people in group, the chairs were further apart, and T's chair was blocking the door...and I just wasn't there any more. I just needed to concentrate on breathing....

UGH.

Anyway, T seemed happy to see me...and I couldn't help but feel disappointed afterwards because I feel as though our relationship is now scarred from this whole recent experience.

I know that during difficult times, it can lead to growth and understanding....but at the moment, I'm just feeling so disappointed...and angry....and upset.

As I think back to all that occurred this past week between me and T, I feel as though I learned things about him that makes him seem....I don't know...it just gives me that yucky sad feeling inside. He is gestalt based and basically teaches us in group to express our feelings, not be judgmental, etc. - yet in reading his email to me, he reacted totally out of character for what he preaches. Hypocritical.

And then to meet with me at my session...telling me that he felt that my email response to him was hurtful....that I was making it about money....that I was being dismissive....

Whatever happened to telling me how you feel? And not being judgmental or accusatory or making assumptions or telling me what "I did wrong" and making "I" statements.....

He posted on the blog recently, owning up to his piece of things...finally. FINALLY. He said he wasn't thoughtful. He said he wasn't as patient. He admitted several things....But not once did he apologize for his actions.

At the very end of my last session, I told him I was sorry. He said, "Me too".....I asked him what he was sorry for. He said, "I'm sorry you were so hurt from what I said".....and you know the rest.

Surely, I tried to hold onto his comment about how if was a choice between protecting himself and protecting me, he wouldn't protect himself if he knew it would cause me so much harm.

But instead, I'm upset about the fact that he didn't apologize for his actions, or for what he said, or for how he approached it. He said he was sorry that I was so hurt by it. Which I am taking as he wasn't sorry for what he did. What he did was against what he preaches, and although he is human, I do expect him to model certain behaviors...

I will see him on Thursday, and I am hoping to have my ducks in a row so we can make it a productive session. Now that he has gotten his head out of his rear and sees where he contributed to what occurred, I am wondering if it'd be worthwhile for us to re-read the emails together...I'm curious to know how he'd feel about them now, in retrospect. If he makes excuses or doesn't see an issue...then that would be concerning to me.

*sigh*

((mue)) This sounds like an excellent idea to talk more about what happened; one session is not always enough at all to talk about these big events.

I understand why you'd feel disappointed in him.....I'm not exactly seeing where he has taken the full ownership he should of his own actions/words, even though I do see that he has realized his words/reactions were hurtful, it's still like there is still some way he's placing even his "I'm sorry" back on you. Yes, definitely there is more discussion needed for things to get clearer between you.....to see if this relationship is worth the re-building/reconstruction work, so to speak! I wish you well in your session Thursday.

yea, you probably do need more conversation about it. I just hate that this mostly played out in email though. Email and Text are the worst way to straighten things out, you can't hear the inflections in someones voice or read their expression when you respond. The convo stays one sided for both people. My best advice would be to not address any of it via email, to refrain and only discuss in person...I think that would cut thru a lot of misinterpretation for you and him. Email is great for updating, or expressing painful thoughts, but not for debating.

Good luck MUE...I really hope it all works out well.

Thanks....

And Eileen, I totally agree about doing this face-to-face instead of through email. T tends to be much less compassionate in writing...and since he also asked me to not send him any more emails, I am being mindful of that. Since I'm feeling distant anyway, I'm not really upset by it at the moment. However, I know there has been times in between sessions when I've needed to reach out to him by email...usually just to feel some kind of connection. I'm not quite sure how I will feel about not being able to send him emails during those times, but I'll cross that bridge when I get there. I don't want to take on any more than I have to at this moment. I need to conserve energy.

Here's two ideas:

1. When you see him, bring a list of the points you want to bring up, and a list of your concerns. This will help make sure that your concerns are addressed, and that the session doesn't get off track.

2. Take notes of his responses. If you read this back to him, during the session, this will help make sure you are understanding him correctly, and it will also give you a record to look over later.

I do this in stressful situations, because I tend to get distracted/distanced/fuzzy-minded very easily, and this helps me stay focused and present, and it also helps me keep the meetings focused on getting my answers (and understanding them.) For me, writing things down is very very helpful.

Good luck.
-Far

I can understand your disappointment, MUE. I agree you have a lot to do to repair your therapeutic relationship. What happened with the idea to see another T to discuss what happened? Are you still considering that?

What I noticed about your last session, though I realize you were exhausted and confused, was that your T didn't seem to give you a chance to give your side of the story. He told you how he felt you mistreated him. Maybe I'm wrong about that. If so, I'm sorry. He's got to acknowlege more than just hurting you. He has to own his part in it. I wonder what he would think if he knew so many people offered support to you, understood your pain, and suggested that you get a new T. Would he
just get defensive and dismiss us all?

I'm glad you're taking it slowly and thinking about what to do. I feel confident that you will know what's right as you speak with him more. I don't think there's a definite way to go. If you can work it out and trust your T, that would be great. If not, there will be another T for you.

Thanks, Far....I will be doing exactly this. Writing it all out and bringing it with me to my session. I hope T will be in a place where he can be open to what I'm addressing and not get defensive.

Thanks, Rainbow...

I have not given much thought about bringing another T in. I've been so consumed by so much that I haven't been able to focus on this - especially when it would take effort to find a T that I would trust and who would be willing to do it. Also, the cost is a concern, considering I now have to pay for an attorney to deal with my issues with my ex. UGH.

And, Rainbow, you are SO right about how T did not focus at all on what I was feeling. The session focused on how he felt about me and what I did...and he spent time explaining and justifying how he handled it, which isn't what I needed. At the time, I was exhausted - and still am - and was overwhelmed by feelings of guilt and confusion...that I ended up just giving in. I hope I can dedicate some time to working on this today so that I am prepared tomorrow for my session.

And the thing that really upsets me too is that I am going through such a difficult time with the whole ex thing, I really needed my T to be my T....but because of this issue between us, I am unwilling to try to get the support I need from him until we can work through this - if we even can.

Yes, excellent point.......

((((((((MUE)))))))) Keep doing the workout. It stinks and you have a lot of emotions to allow to exist. Don't deny a single one of them. Just keep doing what you are doing with your honesty. That is what it takes to be healthy.