[Liam Grey]

Hi... I'm new of the forum, even though I'm lurking, especially this section, from some time.

If I'm writing here, is because I need to spit out some things... I need to share it with people that will probably understand how I feel.

First of all, just to describe you some of my background, I'm going to therapy since almost two years, once a week... I have a lot of problems in my life: social phobia ( because of it: never had a girlfriend, always just a few friends and had a lot of problems at school), depression, some obsessive/compulsive disorder and a really problematic family, just to name the most important ones.

Even if I still didn't get the real turning point (and I'm not blaming anyone, that's not easy at all), with the therapy I had good results on a lot of things, I feel better, I really like my therapist and the opportunity of talking about my problems... but in this last period, too many things are happening and I start to feel less in sintony with her (yes, she's a woman).

It started like this; I don't want to write it accurately, to not hurt the sensibility of other users, but she made a really, really bad remark on me, that left me really blasted, two months ago. I never find the courage to told her and I lose some ability of open up with her. I feel judged.
Then, there's the stuff about her making me calling her "Doctor" or "Mrs"... and I was kinda fine with it... since I find out that people my age (she's in her first forties anyway) are calling her by her first name . I feel jealous, and I feel like I'm not as close and in confidence with her as them... I know there was a reason for this, she said she wants me to be more responsible and it should somewhat help, but it hurts nonetheless. It really do, it makes me feel inferior. And now that almost two years passed, I can't see it specifically helping. Of course, I was never capable of saying this too.

And then... there were the last two, horrible sessions. In the first one I staid silent for at least half of the time... because I was feeling particularly numb, empty and depressed due to some other stuff going on on my life. God if it was embarassing. The hour ended, I paid and I quickly left the room murmuring a good morning... I was hoping for her to send me a mail or call me later (she sometimes did it in the past, after a difficult session), but I find myself checking the mail a lot of times only to find.. nothing.

Then, there was today. It literally was the straw that breaks the camel's back.
I didn't say anything about my week reguarding my more frequently thoughts. We talked about some destructive, other thoughts of mine, and about other stuff... but we always were distant and I disagreed on almost anything she said to me... at the end of the session she told me to seriously think about this situation for the next time.
But that's not all, unfortunately.
You know, there's this other (big) guy that got the appointment after mine, from some months. He ALWAYS, and I mean ALWAYS waiting near the door (there's a waiting area, just so you know it's not like he didn't have alternatives but to stay there!), like I'm out of the door and he's just there at a few inches. Now, I don't care if he listens or not.. it makes me feel uncomfortable and I don't think it should be normal. It's intimidating. And I never talked about it with my T, too. But today.. what happened was simply too much for me.

We finished session like 5 minutes late... I get out of room with my T, and there he was, like always... she didn't accompany me at the main door (like she used to do, before) and she just turn with him... that's where I clearly heard from him saying to the T..."OOH...FINALLY.. HOW MUCH TIME DID IT TAKE!" (I'm not leaving in an english country and I'm not english myself, I'm translating and I assure you that in my language it was told in a really rude, cruel tone). That was too much.

I walked out devasted... that was MY personal space you was talking about... it's not like we are in a grocery, who are you to speak like this? Sometimes we end in advance and he enter before, it's not like I'm complaining . Some other time I have to personally wait some longer time and I would never, EVER dare to say things like this in a loud voice (I never did complained anyway, as I KNOW therapy isn't easy or prevedible, and people should maybe liteally vitally NEED those extra minutes). It may sound ridicolous, but I feel bullied. I've been bullied when I was a child and now I have to face a similar feeling even in a place where I should feel safe. I don't know if I'm exaggerating things (I don't think so, honestly), but it's simply too much too bear.

And now, since this just can't go on anymore, I will have to say it all to my T next friday. All about this episode, all about me being jealous of others calling her by her first name while I can't, all about the fear of losing trust and ability of opening to her.
And I will have to face this guy, again. It will be scaring and embarassing, and even more embarassing if I'll told my T about this problem. I've even think about asking for a re-schedule just for this time, but that is out of question, it would just be running away... and I'm tired of that. Been there, done that enough.

Thank you if you arrived here... I really write a wall of text and I'm sorry for this... but I really needed to spit it out. Would be nice to read some support or some thoughts on this... next friday looks reall, really scaring by now.

Hugs and kisses to all of you.

[SpiritRunner]

Thank you for your courage to share this with us! I understand how hard that would be, to hear that guy say what he did. That does sound rude. I'm sorry it hurt you. I think, even though it might be hard for you, the right thing is to tell your therapist how the situation made you feel, so that these feelings don't just stay inside and keep troubling you and maybe there is something she can do about the situation, too.
It's OK to talk to her about too about how you feel judged. Maybe she isn't aware of that and wouldn't want you to feel that way. Therapists generally like to have feedback on how they are doing, so they can do things better to help you better.
I wish you courage for your next appointment!

[sittingatwatersedge]

This sounds hard, I'm sorry for what you're going through!

If I knew there was someone lurking around a few inches from T's door while I was trying to have a session it would completely ruin my sense of safety and privacy and my ability to focus.
I doubt that T would have much luck telling such a guy to back off, so although I would definitely tell her what's happening and how it affects me, I would also ask her to find me some other appointment time, when that other fellow wouldn't be there.

[granite1]

Welcome and wow sound painfull.

i hope you are able to talk to your T about all this.it may be terrifing but i bet it will help.i'm sure your T is able to deal well with these feelings.

i would be angry at that comment you heard also i would hope that as soon as the door was closed your t explained how sometimes she may go over and would afford him the same if nessisary etc...i bet she did.but please bring it up.
welcome and glad you posted and stopped lurking looking foward to getting to know you

[Sannah]

Hi Liam, welcome. Yes, you are correct, you need to talk to her about all of these things. Let us know how it goes?

[with or without you]

Liam, I have social phobia too. It sucks, doesn't it? I don't know what to tell you other than this—you are paying for this, and you have every right to tell your T what you don't like, especially feeling intimidated by other patients. It's important that you feel totally safe and comfortable in order to make any progress in beating this disorder. Good luck to you.

I'm so sorry this happened to you with your T's next client- it's understandable to feel very upset. My appt with T is the last of the day, but another therapist and her client are supposed to begin their session in the same room at exactly the time we end ours- impossible, right, especially as my T is often running late. At 7pm on the dot I can hear the other T pacing outside (she even just opens the door sometimes)- I get so stressed I feel sick. I once heard her client tell my T off because we had overrun- it felt horrible...
Your situation sounds worse because this is also your T's client. I think your T should try to protect you by asking the client to remaining in the waiting area until she tells him it's his time, and by asking him to bring up any complaints he has only once he's in the room... may not work though...

It sounds like there are other things to talk to your T about (e.g. what she makes you call her vs. how other clients are allowed to address her) but perhaps the situation with the next client would be a good starting point and you could build up from there?

[Perna]

It could be that the rude guy was berating your T for being late, does not know or care about you personally and that it is "you".

I know I took things the wrong way because of my interpretation instead of checking with T how they really were. Once my T remained sitting in the office and indicated with her hand for me to come in, instead of coming to get me in the waiting room and when I got there I made some ugly comment about her being lazy and it turned out she had sprained her ankle and was not walking on it!

We can not know what is going on with someone else, just like no one else can know what is going on with us unless we tell them. When you leave, your T does not have the ability to be thinking of you anymore because big, rude guy is right there (just like he's right there for "you" he's right there for T! She doesn't get a moment to collect her thoughts or anything).

I would remember that and tell T your experiences with big, rude guy and how he affects you; his actions are not your T's fault and she has her own experiences with him that you can't know. It is not necessarily that she likes him better but he is more forceful in forcing himself upon people, as he has you! He probably behaves similarly to T and that may be one reason he is in therapy? Maybe other people feel about him as you do, that he's too close and on top of them but he is unaware he comes across to other people that way.

Try to talk to T about your experiences and concerns in a pleasant, open manner. Your experiences are not "you". You are allowed to have your own feelings and experiences, they do not have to be like other people's. You feel crowded by this guy and that's okay, does not make you a bad, wrong, or odd person.

You wish you could call your T by her first name instead of her professional name. You are allowed to want that. Be curious about her reasons for having you call her by her professional name. I would eat too much candy I like it so well (sometime do :-) but I know it is not good for me so I do not. You can want something and not get it because the reason is better than the want. You get to decide that, it is not something someone else decides for you.

[with or without you]

Originally Posted by Improving

but perhaps the situation with the next client would be a good starting point and you could build up from there?

I agree with this, it sounds like the easiest thing to resolve out of everything (in my opinion). Then you will feel more relaxed and able to address your issues with your therapist herself.

[Liam Grey]

Another big THANKS to each of you... I was just afraid of coming here and see again this thread, figure you (yes, fear of being judged for me is just too strong, even in a similar, calm scenario..)! But you really were all constructive and very nice.

Originally Posted by sittingatwatersedge

I would also ask her to find me some other appointment time, when that other fellow wouldn't be there.

You know, I'm thinking about this since yesterday, if it only depended on me I just wouldn't want to see this guy again... but one of my bigger problems is me avoiding situations and stress.. wouldn't this be basically the same?

Originally Posted by with or without you

Liam, I have social phobia too. It sucks, doesn't it? I don't know what to tell you other than this—you are paying for this, and you have every right to tell your T what you don't like, especially feeling intimidated by other patients. It's important that you feel totally safe and comfortable in order to make any progress in beating this disorder. Good luck to you.

Yes.. it surely sucks, and while I face situations like this it just remind me of why I still can't get control in my life. Good luck to you too!

Originally Posted by Perna

.

Great post. Of course, you could be right on a lot of things... more food for my thoughts I guess.
Just one thing I would like to specify... I personally do not care a lot about other T patients (well, except the naming my T thing..). This is an enough recent situation, just few months as I wrote in my OP- I don't even clearly remember who was T next appointment before his coming.

If I see "big guy" this way, is just because I feel he's doing something he shouldn't.. I feel my personal space there like invaded, with him waiting outside the door and now this comment.

Also, I agree with you on not feeling guilty about this. I never did in fact.... I just felt (and of course still feeling) devasted and uncomfortable for this, but not guilty.
I once remember personally complaining with T about how she just ended a session too soon... but I did it next session, in my time, behind the closed door. It's not like I get out of her room complaining in front of others...

I know, I'm complicated anyway.

Originally Posted by Improving

I'm so sorry this happened to you with your T's next client- it's understandable to feel very upset. My appt with T is the last of the day, but another therapist and her client are supposed to begin their session in the same room at exactly the time we end ours- impossible, right, especially as my T is often running late. At 7pm on the dot I can hear the other T pacing outside (she even just opens the door sometimes)- I get so stressed I feel sick. I once heard her client tell my T off because we had overrun- it felt horrible...
Your situation sounds worse because this is also your T's client. I think your T should try to protect you by asking the client to remaining in the waiting area until she tells him it's his time, and by asking him to bring up any complaints he has only once he's in the room... may not work though...

It sounds like there are other things to talk to your T about (e.g. what she makes you call her vs. how other clients are allowed to address her) but perhaps the situation with the next client would be a good starting point and you could build up from there?

Sometimes I wish I was the last appointment of the day too... but I'm sorry to hear about you having problems anyway... I would just feel sick too having another person (even another T, doesn't matter who) opening the door while I'm still there talking! I hope you will come to a solution of some kind!

and.. about the last portion of your post... I perfectly agree with you... I think I will start from there.

One last thing... I did a mistake yesterday and I write my next appointment will be on friday, but it is on thursday.. and I just feeling butterflies only thinking about it.

Again, thank you all for your precious support... it really makes me feel better.

[sittingatwatersedge]

(SAWE)I would also ask her to find me some other appointment time, when that other fellow wouldn't be there.
(LG) ..........one of my bigger problems is me avoiding situations and stress.. wouldn't this be basically the same?

No, because you are not there to deal with other clients.
LG it's not as if this was a co-worker or a neighbor who is creating a problem. You are there at that office at that time of day ONLY to work with yr T, and it's very demanding work that requires concentration and focus, and safety and privacy, and this third person is affecting that.

Problems can have many solutions; just because a solution is non-confrontational doesn't mean it is avoidance.

[WePow]

You deserve YOUR time with T to be safe and healing.
This is not healing for you.
You have a right to request a different time.
And you don't have to tell T why either!
You can just say "I have to change the time I see you. What else can we do?"

[with or without you]

Originally Posted by Liam Grey

Yes.. it surely sucks, and while I face situations like this it just remind me of why I still can't get control in my life. Good luck to you too!

thank you.

[Liam Grey]

Originally Posted by sittingatwatersedge

(SAWE)I would also ask her to find me some other appointment time, when that other fellow wouldn't be there.
(LG) ..........one of my bigger problems is me avoiding situations and stress.. wouldn't this be basically the same?

No, because you are not there to deal with other clients.
LG it's not as if this was a co-worker or a neighbor who is creating a problem. You are there at that office at that time of day ONLY to work with yr T, and it's very demanding work that requires concentration and focus, and safety and privacy, and this third person is affecting that.

Problems can have many solutions; just because a solution is non-confrontational doesn't mean it is avoidance.

Thank you.. i'll seriously tought about that then!

Originally Posted by WePow

You deserve YOUR time with T to be safe and healing.
This is not healing for you.
You have a right to request a different time.
And you don't have to tell T why either!
You can just say "I have to change the time I see you. What else can we do?"

Thank you for your support. That's right, I'm not feeling better this way. Problem with this solution, leaving out that T got a really busy schedule, is that she'll ask anyway why I want a change.

Originally Posted by with or without you

thank you.

You're welcome !

[WePow]

If she does ask, be honest and tell her. You have the RIGHT to healing. Let her know that you need to do this in order to feel safe in that space. Honesty can open doors.

(((((((((((((((LG)))))))))))))))

It's so important for you to feel safe enough to do the work you need to do to heal. I think the idea of asking for another appointment time is a great idea. You deserve to be able to set boundaries that make you comfortable, and to me that is setting a very healthy boundary.

[Liam Grey]

I really hadn't the guts to go tomorrow . I ask my T via mail for another appointment (without specifing why of course) and she gave me monday on the other, quietier office of her... so another three full days before I can talk about all this-

While I'm feeling sorry that I couldn't put myself to face the guy, I feel much more relieved on the other hand ... one less stressing thing to think about.