[RACEKA]

When I start session T & I have some chit chat. After that he gets serious and ask the question, "Well how are you?" I hate that question. I never know how to answer it. If I say good, then he wants to know why I'm good. I'm not really good. I'm not bad, I'm just am. If I keep saying I'm good then he'll think I'm getting better. If I say I'm terrible then he'll think he's not helping me.

Does anyone else's T start out this way. If so, what do you say.

[Suratji]

My T doesn't ask that question so I don't know what I'd say. Maybe you could request that he not start the session that way

I wonder if you can answer the question, and then state what you need. Like: "I'm okay, I think we really need to work on solutions to conflict I'm having at work though." Just because you say you're "good" does not mean he will (or should) assume that you do not need his services. And, likewise, if you say you are doing poorly, he is unlikely to own that as his responsibility. Take charge of your session and lead T where you want to go for that time.

[Sannah]

Sounds like you are trying to fit yourself into the situation (like many people have had to do while trying to grow up in bad situations). Now it is time for you to learn to be yourself. Answer the question truthfully without doing the calculations for the effects of your answer.

[sittingatwatersedge]

My T used to start out with "so, how are you?" and it bugged me to death that time after time, I was never able to just say, "Oh, I'm great". On the other hand, we both know that if things WERE great, I wouldn't be there.

One day I went in and after the chitchat she said, "So, how are you?" and I said, boy you really cut to the chase! Just pin me down why dont you.
She laughed but I found out later that it really, realy stuck with her.

These days she will gently say something like, "so, how have you been?" or "so, what's been happening since I saw you last?" It's the same question!! but for some reason it doesn't seem to provoke that cornered feeling and response....

[mixedup_emotions]

I know that the start of my sessions always feel awkward....

I would usually start by asking T how he is....and then he would ask me how I am....and then I'd go from there into what's going on, or issues, etc.

There are times when I'd ask him how he is...and then after he responded, I would say - Don't ask me how I am....

And then last week with our rupture, I sat down and said "Hi"....He said, "Hi" in a short manner....and I asked, "Can you please start this conversation?"....and he did.

I'm not sure what today will bring. I'm leaving in a half hour, and I have no idea how the session will start.

I just know that it's hard to start off a session - it's unlike any other kind of relationship.

[sittingatwatersedge]

>>> and then after he responded, I would say - Don't ask me how I am.... I like this

>>> and I asked, "Can you please start this conversation?"....and he did.
and I really like this!!


>>> I'm not sure what today will bring. I'm leaving in a half hour
I'll be keeping close to you. good luck

Both my old T and current T start off this way too.

I appreciate them asking me how I am, but most days I HAVE NO IDEA. And sometimes I just say "I don't know how I am," because it's the truth. I don't know.

I feel OK most of the time. Most everything runs deep under the surface with me, so I'm really not aware of how I'm doing. I'm just trucking along as usual.

I think you should tell your T how that question makes you feel. It could be really helpful...

[Verbascum]

what bothers me most is that I cannot really answer with 'and how are you' - my t does not disclose a thing, not even how she is

[peridot28]

My T and I talk about something fun first and then she says, "So, tell me how you're doing? Is there anything you need to talk about that happened since I last saw you?" or something along those lines. I usually say, "I'm good." She then repelies, "Now, tell me how you're really feeling" or "Remember who you're talking to" or "Think about where you are. Remember what I said about my door being a portal and when you enter through that door you can tell me anything and that includes how badly you're feeling." This means a lot to hear her say that, because like you I would feel like "If I keep saying I'm good then [she'll] think I'm getting better. If I say I'm terrible then [she'll] think [she's] not helping me." So, I totally understand how you feel about that.

But, therapy is about exploring ALL of your feelings. Sometimes they are good, sometimes they are horrible, sometimes they just ARE, but they are your feelings and they are VERY important. My therapist told me that therapy is about me and not to spare her feelings. She said she's a big girl and can take care of her own feelings and needs. She just wants me to be honest and tell her what I'm feeling and what I need. It's hard to do, because as much as she says that I can't help but consider her feelings and thoughts.

[with or without you]

"So how's your mood been?"

[sunrise]

We often start off sessions with a little chit chat. He will often share something from his life, and I like this--builds reciprocity and connectedness. We have 90 minute sessions so can afford to do that. When I had 50 minute sessions, I had to jump right in or lose a lot in productivity. The family T I went to often started with, "what's going on in your world today?"

I do make sure to always tell my T the truth. If my T asks how I am, and I am not good, I do not tell him I am good. That is not helpful to him. He is looking to know what I need help with and how to do that. If I tell him I am good when I'm not, he will learn nothing about those things. If my T asks a question, and I don't feel able to tell the truth immediately, I will sit in silence a little while and think how best to answer or try to connect with how I am inside. Sometimes in typical conversation (with other people), there is pressure to immediately respond, and so we get used to firing out canned responses like, "Oh, I'm fine." Raceka, if you gave yourself permission to slow down a little and give yourself time to think how to respond accurately, do you think it might be easier to say what is true?

My typical responses in therapy to a "how are you?" question are:
good (and I mean it! things are going well)
okay (he knows this means I have not been all good, especially when I say it with some reluctance)
not good or not so great (he knows things have been pretty bad for me)

Originally Posted by RACEKA

If I say I'm terrible then he'll think he's not helping me.

I doubt he will think this. If you say you're terrible, he will probably be glad to have that information so he can help you.

[Sweetlove]

My T usually waits for me to start after we just have small talk for a minute. I hate that...I wish he would ask me how I was so I at least had an opening to start talking. Sometimes he will say "how's the journey?"...which is kind of earthy-crunchy but I like it because it is his way of asking "what's up?"

[RACEKA]

I really don't know how I am. I'm not good. I'm working on abuse issues so how great can I be? I just feel blah. No real feelings at all. I've just been thinking about this question because I see T tonight and need to know how I'm going to answer him.

Originally Posted by RACEKA

I really don't know how I am. I'm not good. I'm working on abuse issues so how great can I be? I just feel blah. No real feelings at all. I've just been thinking about this question because I see T tonight and need to know how I'm going to answer him.

I think you could answer him with the exact words you used here.

[sunrise]

Originally Posted by RACEKA

I really don't know how I am. I'm not good. I'm working on abuse issues so how great can I be? I just feel blah. No real feelings at all.

Say exactly that.

[RACEKA]

OK, I will. Thanks.

[skeksi]

I don't have a set start with T, although we usually start with 5-10 minutes of silence. Which is a lot from a 50-minute session, but that's really my process. If T jumps in and asks a question or says, "Last week we were discussing X..." then I usually feel really pushed and shut down and it takes even longer to talk!

As the years have gone on I've gotten better at starting. Some of my favorites:
"Last week we were talking about X. I think..."
"I feel nothing today. I'm numb."
"I feel tense today."
"I feel stressed out."
"I'm afraid to start. Can you?"
"Can we talk about stupid stuff for a while and then I'll jump in?"

if t asks a question and i am not sure how to handle it i will use one of his phrases "in what way"....it gives me more time to think...

we never have chit chat... t just says "Tell me whats been going on" and then i sit in silence... if i am not talking, t will sit silent for about a minute. then ask about safe subjects, my kids or work... and that is enough to get me going

good luck with your session, sending safe hugs

[Amura]

I really enjoyed this Thread.

I have many of the same issues / feelings.
I dread that question or what ever variation he uses to start the session.
I appreciate all the advice. I look forward to telling him how uncomfortable it makes me.

I often feel like I am being fake because I don't want to disappoint him or make him feel like he is not doing a good job. This Thread has given me a new found confidence that this is MY session and I am there for healing and support not to boost his ego.

Thank you all again so much for being open and sharing. I hope one day I am strong enough to offer insightful support to the Community. For now I will continue to listen and learn as much as possible.

Usually, T and I will joke about something as I am walking into the room. We've been together long enough that we have a lot of "inside jokes" that make us giggle.

When we sit down, we stare at each other for a minute. He'll ask how I am , and I'll try to tell him. I think about 90% of the time I say "anxious", because going to therapy STILL makes me super anxious. Then I'll ask how he is, and he'll actually check in with himself and give me an answer. Sometimes it's fine, or whatever...the other day, he said "overwhelmed and weighty, but very present". LOL At least he's honest!

I like our 90 minute sessions, because we are able to chit chat a little about what's going on in our lives. He has something pretty big going on in his life and I like to get updates about that, and I usually have a story about my boys I want to tell him.

When it's a 50 minute session, I just jump into whatever it is I need to talk about, if I can get myself to be brave enough to do it. I really do "get" now that therapy is for ME, and what I need is what counts. Sometimes I need to lay down and rest, sometimes I need to talk, sometimes I need him to tell me a story so I can feel connected.

The beginning of session feels a little strange to me, because usually, I know we are going to journey into such a different place...somewhere so deep inside...and then find our way back out, and knowing that's going to happen feels a little

I like hearing about everyone's experiences

[granite1]

when we get to her office i go in and sit down she goes to her desk and closes her computer.she says hi really loud and sits down and asks so what on your mind.if i am in one of my very rare moments of being able to talk i say hi and say some silly unimportant thing.After T pics herself up off the floor we continue .if im not in one of those moods we sit in scilence for the time

[jazzy123456]

hmmm i'm laughing thinking about it...
cuz....

I think my therapist starts with how are you?

and then I reply GOOD

hahaha

I'm not usually all that good.
or I could be...

but, somehow we start chatting about random stuff
and then she knows to ask the question again..

she says..." how are you?"

and then I reply honestly.

its funny cuz i could do that the first time but, I never do.

she usually asks that question twice.

I guess my t starts with the how are you doing questions, but I've just learned to be honest about it because he's pretty astute at figuring out how I'm doing anyway. Why lie about it is my philosophy? It isn't a complicated question.

[sunrise]

Originally Posted by treehouse

The beginning of session feels a little strange to me, because usually, I know we are going to journey into such a different place...somewhere so deep inside...and then find our way back out, and knowing that's going to happen feels a little

I feel that way sometimes too. Like at our last session, I knew all the stuff I had inside, and it was already lining up to be let out, the tears were starting to form, and I just didn't want to do it! It is early Monday morning, I have a really busy week ahead of me, and I don't want to start it off with opening the gates to my innards, letting the tears spill, becoming so vulnerable... I feel like I need to wrap myself up tight and not let anything out and steel myself for the next few days, and then T sits there looking at me so expectantly, and this is what I'm paying money for after all. It's hard sometimes. I think I need to avoid those Monday AM sessions.