[sunflower55]

Ok, not a good start…

I haven't seen a counselor regularly since the middle of September. It's a long story, not worth going into now. But, I've been trying to see one since the beginning of January. And, because one hurt her back and because of snow, it's been canceled four times. So, I finally got in to see one today....I'll call her "Meg." During the phone call, asking for an appointment, I specifically asked for a counselor who knew DBT skills. She said they had one, and I could see her.


In the meantime, I saw one at the pain management clinic I started going to last week. When she found out what was going on, she agreed to see me temporarily, until I got into see one on a regular basis. I also told her of previous experiences, where they became "B****" sessions, where nothing was accomplished, and I actually had to ask what my goals were, because I had forgotten. I made it clear I did not want that, and that I wanted a plan, with a way to evaluate whether the plan was working, to make my life more manageable, due to chronic pain, ADHD, anxiety, seasonal depression, and memory issues, (for which I am getting tested on Monday). She agreed, and we seemed really in "sync." I was thrilled!


So, today I went to "Meg."
UGGGHHHH!
It started off ok.
Except,
She did not have the DBT Skills, which I specifically asked for. I was told that the person I would see would have those skills to teach me. “Meg” did not.

I showed her the print out of a Therapy Journal and PPP, found here on Psych Central, (Richard Zwolinski is the author, and it's great information if anyone is interested!). And I explained them to her. She was receptive of the ideas. She took his name and the name of PsychCentral.com, (about which I also explained), in order to look them up. Ok, no problem.

She asked about any medical problems/ legal problems etc. I answered truthfully about the medical problems I have, and no legal problems against me, but, I may have a legal case against some agency. She did not ask any further.

Also did not ask me if I had any questions for her.... hmmm...


We started writing a plan. I started taking notes, so I would remember. Her cell phone went off — over and over.
Then, SHE ANSWERED IT!
And had a CONVERSATION!

She never excused herself; never said it was an emergency or anything. She hung up after @ a minute of so, and continued on with my plan, as if that were a normal part of her professional day!

EXCUSE ME???

If I forget to turn my phone off, when I’m in an appointment, I apologize, and turn it off, without answering it! Right away! My appointment time is for that appointment — and nothing more! I’m sorry, but, I cannot understand this AT ALL! I don’t take the phone when I’m teaching, either! That time is for teaching! NOT talking on the phone! Obviously, I was very distressed. I wrote it down on my paper. Along with the rest of my plan.
Her computer stopped working during our session, too. She then wrote the rest of what we discussed on paper, too.

We ran out of time, and could not finish my treatment plan, so, she gave me a paper to take to the front, for an appointment for the next week. I did so, and the receptionist informed me that this counselor did not have another appointment for THREE WEEKS! I asked the receptionist if the counselor knew that. She told me that she would inform the counselor.


One last thing. Before I left her office, “Meg” asked me if I “always” wrote things down on paper during my counseling sessions,” and why. She appeared defensive. I told her I did sometimes, and that I did so, so I could remember. Both of which are true.


I wanted to remember my treatment goals. But, I had *no* idea that I would be dealing with a counselor who would be taking personal calls on her cell phone during my appointment time! This behavior only made me glad I *did* have my pad out and was taking notes!


Does anyone have any ideas how to handle this? I've never dealt with a counselor who took calls during my time... It's unbelievable to me.
Should I even bother continuing with this counselor?
Also, she does not have the skills I specifically asked for. I'm not getting what I want; what I need.
Further, by answering the phone basically said *to me* that she did not respect my needs, my time, and my plan, which we were in the process of creating.
Or, am I making too much of this on a first visit?


Any thoughts, here?
Remember, I've been without a counselor since the middle of September. And this appointment has already been postponed 4 times!

And I really do need to see someone... So, is this better than no one?

Thanks for any input...

Peace!

Answering the phone during session would be a deal-breaker for me. I need to know that T is completely "with" me during that hour, or I can't do the hard work I need to do.

Is there any way you could continue with the counselor at the pain mgmt clinic??

[sunflower55]

Hi, Treehouse,

And thanks for answering.

I'm seeing the pain clinic counselor today for the first time, as a "counselor" today. When I met her, it was in her role as the clinician for the pain clinic. It is a multi-disciplinary clinic, which looks at every aspect of one's pain.

But, in answer to your question, no, I cannot continue to see her as a therapist continually. She's made it clear that she can only do this on a "temporary" basis, until I find some one permanently. I am going to let her know what happened yesterday. I was hoping to let her know that I had found a permanent counselor, but, I don't think I can after my appointment yesterday. I was very distressed with her answering the phone call. But, I was also distressed with her being defensive about my writing down what we were talking about. I mean, why would she be defensive? (Other than the fact that she knew the phone call was completely unprofessional!)

Oh, one last thing I forgot to mention, too. When I mentioned the DBT, she suggested our local mental hospital, which has a program on DBT. I had already looked into it. The person that runs it and I spoke, and agreed it was not for me. It is for people with borderline personality, and are highly suicidal; many are cutters. With my anxiety, I know I couldn't deal with that. We agreed that I couldn't deal with that. Well, "Meg" frowned and gave a very negative "vibe" when I told her.

I know a "vibe" is a difficult thing to evaluate. But, we all know it when we "feel" it. I try not to be judgmental, but, I am a highly sensitive person, and I do feel things strongly. I do not know if having a "bad vibe" with a new therapist is a good beginning, or a sign of a bad start. Because of a very bad problem with my last counselor, my bearings are way off.

Thank you for your thoughts. Answering a phone call, especially without an explanation that it was an exception as a one time emergency, (i.e. mother or child just got out of surgery or something like that), which I could understand, is perhaps a deal breaker. She is not dedicated to me during that 45 minutes. If picking up milk or bread is more important than I am, (and of course, I am assuming the conversation, here), I suppose I need a better counselor.

Thanks again!

Peace!

[sunflower55]

Should I have confronted her immediately?

I have a difficult time with assertiveness. But, I felt strongly about the phone when it happened. So, how should I have said something? What would others have said?

Please let me know what your responses have been had you been in the seat when your NEW, (first meeting), therapist picked up her personal cell phone and answered it and had a private conversation during your session.

It did not last long - a minute or so. But, I don't think that's the point. I think the point is that she took a personal call during my therapy time. And it was our first meeting, which, (I think), is a portent of things to come.

So, how would you all have handled it?

I look forward to your responses, so I can learn from you...
Thanks!

Peace!

[SpiritRunner]

If my T answered her phone and had a conversation, even for just a minute, I would NOT like that at all! Doing that is simply not proper or therapeutic; it's downright rude, discourteous and disrespectful. The T needs to be giving you her full attention, that's what you're paying for!
I am just not sure what I would have said, if it was my first time with a T and that happened......I'm not a confrontational sort of person, so I might have simply let it slide without direct words, but I do think I would definitely have been wearing a clear frown of displeasure! If I WAS feeling direct, I might say, 'Is it your typical policy to have your cell phone with you and have personal conversations on while with a client? Because I'm uncomfortable with that.'

[Fartraveler]

Sounds like a deal-breaker to me, too. She doesn't have the skills you need, she doesn't treat you with respect.

Is this clinic the only option available to you?

-Far

[sunflower55]

I'm afraid that this clinic *is* the only one available to me. If I cannot go back to work, due to my back pain, (I've been out since last June, and may have to go on permanent disability), this is it.

I have always had problems with assertiveness and direct confrontations. I either become too confrontational, (i.e. combative), or I cry. We were not allowed to question when we were kids; I never learned "how" to question, honestly. So, questioning is laden with emotions for me. Asserting myself is not a quality I have. It's a skill I need to learn -- at 55! How pathetic!

So, poetgirl, I can't even imagine saying something like you suggest. Even as I know, intellectually, that is what is needed to be said. I would be in tears before I began to speak. And then, I would be angry that I got that way because it's the right thing to say!

And far, she *was* not respectful of me, I know... I felt that way immediately.
Question is, do I handle it through the administration, or with her?

Or do I just give it up?
It seems like this just isn't meant to be anyway. I had four appointments that had to be canceled, after all.... Sometimes, fate steps in and lets us know things, ya know?

And, when I went to the pain clinic counselor yesterday, this counselor, Megan is her name, clarified that she could see me until June.
AND, she has DBT skills!!!
She said that she is eclectic in her style, though, and that she's willing to focus on DBT, but, when the time is appropriate, she will use other styles to reach or meet my needs.

She also said we will stay in the present, and focus on skill building, but, that there would be times that she would press me, and that it would be uncomfortable for me, and she asked for a commitment from me to to work with her through this hard work. I agreed. No one has *ever* laid it out to me like this before! I like her honesty. And, I admit, I am a lil bit afraid....
But, I'm going to stick with it.

My "assignment" is to jut down any positive things I enjoy. This is so she'll have things that she can draw on later. We started on that already yesterday.

Then, I am to try to answer these questions:
1. What does controlling anxiety mean to me?
2. What does controlling emotions mean to me?

Finally, I have to jot down any exchanges of the type listed above, (anxiety / emotional), that happen during the week, until I see her next. And, I am to stay in the present, not ruminate about the past, (which I have a tendency to do).

Wow! I guess that's a tall order! I have my work cut out for me, yes?

Now, I just have to figure out how to deal with "Meg."
Thanks for the feedback... I guess I've figured out, just through this writing, that I do *not* want to go back to her... The difference in the two counselors is so profound!

What would you do to end this counseling session with her? Call the administration or call her?
Should I tell the administration about the phone call or just let it go and let the next person deal with it?

Thanks for your help and any imput you may have. I honestly appreciate it.
And, thanks for also just letting me work this out. It really helps...

Peace!

[WePow]

My advice is to do what you feel is right for you at this time.
Do not even think about how she may feel in this situation.
You have a right to quality medical care (which includes psychological health care).

[whenwillitend]

My previous t did that. She always talked on her cellphone during our "sessions". Not only that, but she always brought her dogs to the office, so she would take them out to go potty during our sessions. She forgot sessions, ran late, forgot I was sitting in the waiting room. Never answered her phone or called back when I called.

My point is, if you feel you don't "click" with that t, find someone else. You need to be comfortable with your therapist. I now have an awesome therapist. Good luck!

[Suratji]

I'm so shocked that therapists have behaved the way some of you have described. It's beyond imagining. How do they keep clients? I'm very lucky because the 1st time I tried therapy in December, I clicked immediately with her. If not, I would not have returned.

[PTSDlovemycats]

Her phone should have been off. That is just plain rude.

[Snakebit]

Originally Posted by sunflower55

What would you do to end this counseling session with her? Call the administration or call her?
Should I tell the administration about the phone call or just let it go and let the next person deal with it?

Peace!

I would call the administration and cancel; I see no value in putting yourself in the uncomfortable position of dealing with Meg. If the administration asks, you can say you didn't feel like she was a "fit". If they push back, which I doubt, then you can bring up the phone call or just keep repeating "she wasn't a fit".

[sunflower55]

Suratji,

She keeps clients because she works for the mental health clinic, funded by the feds and the state. She's got a life time job; she's not going anywhere.

Whenwillitend,

What did you do with your old T? How long did you stay with her/him? When did you end it? How did you end it?
Sorry for the 20 questions. Again, I'm not good at this, and these answers and ideas can help me with this T and future problems when I need assertiveness.
Thanks!

Peace!

[Fartraveler]

Just calling to cancel is probably fine.

Just saying 'it's not a good fit' is also fine.

A huge percentage of people never go back after their first appointment, so don't get stressed about it. You won't be doing anything out of the ordinary.

You don't owe her or them anything, not an explanation, or anything else.

[whenwillitend]

Originally Posted by sunflower55

Suratji,

She keeps clients because she works for the mental health clinic, funded by the feds and the state. She's got a life time job; she's not going anywhere.

Whenwillitend,

What did you do with your old T? How long did you stay with her/him? When did you end it? How did you end it?
Sorry for the 20 questions. Again, I'm not good at this, and these answers and ideas can help me with this T and future problems when I need assertiveness.
Thanks!

Peace!

I didn't, she did. Our appts got shorter and shorter, and more and more useless, but I didn't know how to tell her I wanted a new t. Eventually she said I needed more help than she could give me, so I went back to an old t that I had a few years back, last time we were stationed here (military). I'm really glad it worked out that way.

[ECHOES]

My T once answered her cell during session and spoke to someone briefly. It really offended me. I was angry and about to leave. She explained that it was an important call about some medical tests that she had been waiting for. A week or so later she was out for surgery, expecting to be out 4-6 weeks. It turned out she was out only a week. Anyway, I decided to see if answering her cell was something she does all the time.
She only did it one other time, but that time she told me at the beginning of the session that she was expecting an important call during my hour. When it came, she excused herself and took the call outside of the room.

I am okay with both events because she explained the unique circumstances of the first call, and let me know ahead of time that she was expecting a call the second time. So, it isn't something she does routinely and I'm okay with that. Just like she is okay with my calling sometimes between sessions, needing an extra session, my financial issues that resulted in her discounting my fee temporarily to a ridiculous amount, etc.

Maybe it would be helpful to talk to her about this?

[darkrunner]

Hey Sunflower,

I just wanted to say that I agree with everyone that it is rude to take a phone call, but I also agree with Echos that you should go back and talk to her about it, and see what she says.

If she defends herself and acts like the phone call is not an issue, then you know you will not go back.
If she admits her mistake and poor judgement, then you know you have something to work with.

Use it as an opportunity to practice assertiveness. What do you have to lose?

Also, I think just as concerning, is the fact that you weren't able to schedule another appointment for 3 weeks. Is that going to be typical with this therapist? Because if it is, then you really may want to consider switching to a therapist who can see you on a more regular basis.

[sunflower55]

Thank you, everyone.

Darkrunner,
A third issue, and an important one for me, is that she does not have the DBT skills which I asked for, and was told I could get with a therapist at this clinic.

As far as practicing assertiveness, I hear what you're saying, but, honestly, I am not able to do that. That's exactly what I have to work with someone about! As I said, I'd start crying, and then be PO'd that I started crying.... I have 0 skills in this area.... Especially when I'm stressed out, which I am. So, though I think the idea is a good one, under different circumstances, I don't think I'm able to follow through right now. In fact, I know I won't follow through with it. I just don't have it in me right now. Sorry....

I don't think I'm going back to her. I'll see if there's someone with the DBT skills that I was told I would get. If they don't have it, I'll have to go somewhere else.

Thank you all again. I really appreciate the feedback.

Peace!

[ECHOES]

Sunflower, I think it's exciting that you are willing and eager to work on learning a new skill and to me, age isn't a factor. In fact, I think to keep learning throughout life is what it's all about. Even my T, who is retirement age, keeps learning and is excited about learning new things in her field. I think being willing to learn, and not defending a way of being that doesn't work in your life, is a real sign of intelligence and strength and ambition and courage, and gosh so many things! I can relate to what you said about how you react and that assertiveness is too hard right now. I hope that comes easier for you as you learn about why it is so hard for you, what emotions and fears are involved in keeping you from being able to be assertive like you wish to be.

Good luck in your search!

[Fartraveler]

Have you looked into any of the online DBT resources?

-Far