Nearly asked for what I need

Ended up chickening out

I know there are a lot of people in pain right now with their relationships with T (and I am usually one of them), so I'm sorry if this makes anyone feel worse. I just wanted to share...

I dont want to make this another thread about emails to T but this is what we were discussing tonight and I told him how I wish I could cope on my own and deal with my emotions better, and that I didnt want to have to need him as much as I do. I told him I was sure that with each and every email he gets more and more annoyed and burdened with me. He said he didnt and thinks I need to have that connection with him at the moment.

Anyway, I told him I dont understand how he cannot be annoyed/frustrated with me for being so needy etc. I wanted him to say "because XYZ" (I'm guessing it would have been something along the lines of "I want to support you etc"). Instead he asked me if I needed to understand why he doesnt feel annoyed with me. I REALLY wanted to say "yes", but I was so afraid that he would say something nice to me that I chickened out and said "I dont think it will make any difference because I wont believe what you say anyway". I didnt mean that at all, it would have made ALL the difference. So he didnt tell me why he is ok with my contact between sessions. I SO wish I could have been brave enough to let him tell me. Why couldnt I hear it from him? Maybe because I dont believe I am worthy of his support and care and time, and I hate when people are so nice to me because I know how bad I am inside. Truly, I am.

We have a plan for emails now- he has put a limit on me sending 2 emails a day (he did say that I could choose the limit, but I wanted him to set the boundary). I told him I cant believe how nice he is being about it and hoe he is ok with receiveing so many emails. Not that I will send that many but for once it feels nice to feel close to him again.

Have you ever heard of Cognitive Dissonance? It is when 2 different beliefs don't match and when they don't match they cause discomfort. We react by rejecting one or the other and this is what you did, you rejected his belief because it didn't match your own. Another way to handle it is to change your belief so that you can accept his belief. Changing your belief is the work of therapy.

I do understand this. It is very hard to hear the reasons someone is being kind to us. Maybe the reason is not what we hope it may be? Maybe it is more than we could ever hope it would be? Either way, it is very difficult.