[rainbow8]

We spent at least half the session talking about my previous emails and clearing up some misconceptions I had. I learned that my T accepts anything I tell her--doesn't judge me or even try to find something wrong with me. She said "all parts are welcome here."

She didn't mean that it wasn't okay to love her and said she never said loving her was necessarily transference. It's okay to feel whatever I feel towards her. I wasn't talking as directly as I would have liked, but I did okay. It's still much, much easier to write than to speak my feelings.

There was about 30 minutes to talk about the hurt part that felt so bad. I read what I had written about that and then she wanted me to close my eyes and access that part. She wanted to know when in the past that part felt like it did. I talked about the first day of kindergarten when I didn't want to leave my mother. Also about when my boyfriend broke up with me when I graduated college. It seems it's about people leaving me and I feel alone and unloved.

Then she wanted to know what she could do for that part right now. So, she held my (her hand) and it felt like the child holding her hand this time. Then I said I wanted her to say she wouldn't leave her or die. She said she can't promise that but to the best of her ability she wouldn't leave her. I said she couldn't do the other things, like hold me and she probably wouldn't say she loved me/her. I said "I want you to tell her you love her" and she said "I love her". Of course it wasn't "I love YOU" but it was to the child part, and was more than I thought she'd say.

The problem is that she had someone after me so we had to end on time. I didn't want to stop, so she asked if I wanted something to take home from her room. There wasn't much time, and I didn't want her bear, so I took a rock. It's not so pretty, but I don't care. I have to give it back, though.

I felt sad when I left, and cried in the car a little. I felt that huge hurt, still. I've never called her before, but I did tonight. It was good timing; she was on her way home. She thinks I'm grieving, and I should feel it, and it will pass. That I have to feel the sadness, and it will get better. I didn't grieve very well for my mother ever, and not for my father either. She knows that.

I have her voice, too! I recorded our breathing/meditation but she talked softly so it's hard to hear, but at least I have it.

I still get to email her, even though I called, and she will still email me back.

So, talking with her helped though her voice sounds different on her cell phone and I have to realize there are parts of her too. I feel a little better. I think I'm "going through it" now. Could I please have some hugs?

[suzzie]

(((((((((((( rainbow ))))))))))))))

You can have lots of hugs, rainbow. You are doing such good, hard work This is how we heal.

[mixedup_emotions]

(((( RAINBOW ))))

Big hugs for you. BIG, SUPER BIG....

[rainbow8]

I forgot to say something. When T asked what I wanted to take home from her office, I said, without hesitating: "YOU". I wish I could have taken her home, but I had to settle for a rock instead.

Thanks, suzzie.
tree: thank you. It's SO hard, though. I don't want to feel this bad. I think it's my main issue, not being able to cope with people leaving me. I just want to curl up in a ball and stay there!

[SpiritRunner]

sending you lots of hugs, rainbow!
and what you said about wanting to take T home......when my T told me once I could choose something to take from her office and gave me a few options, I remember saying something like, 'well, since I can't take you....' So anyway, you know I understand how you feel.....but I am glad that you do have a wonderful connection with your T and a little something from her office to help you remember that connection you do have, even in the midst of grieving what can't be.

[Sweetlove]

(((((rainbow))))

I had a session like that when I was paralyzed in my car for about a half hour after the session...I couldn't move, let alone drive. I'm sorry that happened to you today, I hate to say it, but it was probably a good thing and means you made progress...even though it feels horrible.

Many, many hugs to you

[jazzy123456]

you were courageous today rainbow.
you deserve all the hugs you can get.... your going through the tunnel of grieving so you can rescue the light in the end, you know, who you are, even in grieving times like this is unique and special, i think thats why many therapists like their job....your gonna grow...."" just keep taking it one step at a time, don't run before you learn how to walk or walk before you learn how to crawl"" --- give yourself whatever space and time you need to heal, grieve, process..... overall, GROW....you'll be surprised of the beauty at the end my dear.... good luck to you + a billion hugs!

[granite1]